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I have noticed that my uBPDh tends to lose it on the way back from trips.  In the last year he has done it maybe 5 times (every trip that we have taken) driving home (doesn't seem to matter whether it is a day trip or multi day trip).  Therapist suggests that it is triggered by the let down from being busy and having something to get self worth from... .   and then heading back home where he has boredom and demons... .   I think that may be a part but certainly being tired and not having normal meals also contributes.

So late yesterday afternoon we are on a day trip to a large city about 2 hrs from our house.  Late in the afternoon I notice that my husband is showing all the signs of irritation.  (Its super odd but he starts criticizing "Westerners"... .   I know that he's about to go into a tirade... .   and by Westerners he means North Americans not Europeans... .   I still don't have the heart to tell him that Europeans are Westerners as well and that he's more Western than most.  Let's face it... .   I'm not living with Buddha or the Dali Lama  *) lol. )

We are with his brother and his brother's family.  We were supposed to stay there for dinner but husband's brother isn't hungry and says that he won't want to eat until late.  Husband is diabetic and can't wait that long.  In addition we have a toddler who hasn't napped the entire day and I recognize that things are about to go south so I tell husband that its time to go (brother's family had taken another car).  We say our goodbyes and walk away and I say "ok... .   time to go find dinner."  Husband says "too f late for that now."  It was 5:00.  Ok no biggie I saw this issue coming and had packed him dinner in a cooler in the morning before we left the house.  I say "ok you can eat the dinner I packed."  He says NO I won't eat that s.  Its rush hour traffic and it takes an extra half hour to get out of the city (who cares) but for hours and hours he goes on about how I ruin everything.  That he isn't going on trips with me again.  That I couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery.  That it took us 4 hrs to get home (because he drove like a maniac and made two unnecessary stops it took an extra half hour on a two hour trip)

For the next two hours he drives like a manic.  Complains that I am stupid and useless and if he were me he would want to kill himself.  (Gee that is not abusive or anything) Says that I am the ruin of his life.  Um... .   wow.  I work full time to support our family.  I keep things stable when he's a maniac.  I do 99% of the work around the house and with our child.  He calls me names over and over for hours and says that he believes that I am trying to destroy his life.  He kept asking me questions and demanding answers and then when I would answer he would tell me that he had told me to shut up and that if I opened my mouth again he would ********* (fill in physical threat).  It was hell.  He says that because I planned so badly for dinner (yup he ignored my two requests to get something before we left and refused to eat what I packed) he wouldn't take his weekly medication that night and that it was all my fault.

I mentioned on another board that while I have effectively added boundaries over certain things but I have had difficulties limiting the verbal abuse.  Its gotten to the point that I have to.  Its too hard on me and it is impacting our son.  I was able to entertain the baby on the ride home and he amazingly continues light hearted playing despite the fact that his dad was in full meltdown (thank god for small miracles)... .  

When he calms down again or maybe before we plan our next time I am going to tell him that we are taking two cars.  I am not getting stuck several hours from home in a car with a maniac (love him very much but that was how he was acting).

Three things I have noticed is that he loses it after we have all had a nice, loving day (this happens like clockwork) and that this meltdown was exactly one week almost to the hour since he melted down last.  It seems that he just can't hold it together more than 7 days at a time... .   and if he makes it past 7 days then the following blowup is worse.  He is also gluten intolerant and gluten makes him aggressive.  He had a large amount of bread at lunch because he said that he wasn't going to miss out on nice bread at a nice restaurant.

He has agreed to go to a therapist and I have scheduled an appt.  The therapist specializes in BPD/ NPD/ PTSD.

Any other thoughts?  I'm still trembling from the trauma.  But back at work and baby is at daycare... .   phew.

Oh and I found out from my sister in law that my husband told them some of the MOST BIZARRE lies.  I hadn't heard him do that in a while... .   guess the insecurity of having family around creeped up on him.  I think that she was looking for me to validate them... .   and I said YUP... .   but in reality I wanted to scream... .   he is lying!

Hey Allibaba,

I have noticed that day trips with defined plans are a problem. ie meet xyz at 2pm go to place 1 tickets for something at 8pm etc. The strict schedule.is a problem.

By the way, my BPD did great with my trip. He was actually much better than he is on a daily basis. In some.ways back to when we began dating. Sweet funny emails etc... .  

Hi Sad eyes,

That is awesome.  I was thinking about you and wondering how you made out.  I think that in a funny way trips away are good for my husband.  I already booked my next one in May!  Just a quick weekend trip but a gentle reminder that I am not always there.

Allibaba

I got a message around lunchtime that said:

So now... .   after sleeping all morning... .   and on the heels of yesterday and no dinner your decision ... .   tons of gluten your decision... .   and no excercise or healthy food suck it up... .   some days are like that... .   i am expected to go [out with my brother] with no breakfast I wasn't even home.  He decided not to eat.  ... .   nothing to eat for lunch... .    agaain I am not even home.  Tons of food in the fridge no meds since yesterday morning  again his decision ... .   and no [weekly medications that were supposed to be taken on Tuesday night] again his decision ... .   and be happy... .   i can barely stand up... .   thank you [my maiden name]... .   you are a real gem!  Its utterly amazing how little responsibility you are taking for yourself there buddy.

My actual response:  I wish that you felt better

His response:  The wishing and sorry woman... .   hilarious and pathetic.

I ignored that.

And after calming down last night... .   he was quiet enough that I got to sleep in this morning for the first time in years.  But when I came to the kitchen he wanted to know where the rest of his favorite cereal was.  I had told him yesterday that it was out.  FULL ON TEMPER TANTRUM.  Amazing how the littlest things trigger.

Is it my responsibility to ensure that his favorite cereal is always in the house.  Admittedly I do all the shopping but I am very busy at work and its hard to get out at lunch to get it.  I'll get it today but wishing that we had managed to avoid that outburst.  He says that I have ruined his day again!

Allibaba,

I feel for you. The crap I have taken over food... .   I don't think I am good for advice this morning, because the thought that comes to mind is tell him to go fly a kite which is clearly not helpful to anyone.

I'm just a bit grumpy, because I just got off the phone where it is my fault he drinks so many sodas (diabetic). I am just not feeling it today.

Anyway... .   hugs to you!

Hi allibaba,

Really sorry you are going through this. You're taking on way more than is healthy or reasonable, and he is upping his dependence on your taking it on... .  

He's dishing out a lot of abuse and blame. It's time for boundaries on your part. When he is blaming and verbally abusing you, there is no need to wish him well. A boundary that would protect you is needed. (I'm not going to engage in conversation with you when you talk to me abusively or insultingly.)

You are doing all the shopping and most of the housework, and working hard, and getting traumatized so that he can continue to act out against you. Seriously, it is time to focus on yourself, and put your needs right up there with his--initially, even higher because they have been below his for some time.

I'd remind him that he makes the decision to eat or not eat, drink sodas or not, and if he says it is your fault you will not be providing any more of either, so he can get his own.

Hi Numenal

Thanks for the sympathy.  I agree that its time to take better care of myself.  I slid into a rut of doing everything when he had ankle surgery 18 months ago and couldn't actually walk for more than 6 months. 

Next time I will remind him that he is an adult and has all the control over food, taking meds, etc.

Allibaba