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Title: This time last year Post by: LuckyEscapee on April 10, 2013, 07:55:54 PM This time 12 months ago I was being painted black
If I was ever likely to romanticise any of the good times, then going back to the facts helps me maintain my perspective. I went back to our old emails dated exactly today last year and it was an eye opener! I cried my heart out when I read my desperate pleas to be left alone, telling him that nothing works. I never retaliated back, only asking to be left alone, that I'd rather be dead than endure the daily hate torment and threats I was receiving. I really meant it too. I remember truly believing that I couldn't go on, and was utterly convinced he wanted me dead. Why else would someone do this to another human being? :'( This went on for months, going blacker and blacker, and I seemed to be his pet torment entertainment. Till I broke completely and planned to get a restraining order and he left town. Flick forward to now and my life is a wonderful serene joy by comparison. I learned about BPD from this forum and the healing began. i now only have friends around me, friends being people who are people that care for me and who make me a better person. The ex still rears his ugly head periodically for gawd knows what! still he abstains from saying sorry, wants to be friends and remind me all he supposedly did for me. He is delusional, but most importantly he is not in my life anymore and never will be. :) Most of his behavior I will never understand, and that sucks, but I have learned that this a process and everyday without the 24/7 toxic gas that BPD is, is a blessing in my book. Day by day into the light, bright, breezy, easy future. Title: Re: This time last year Post by: elessar on April 10, 2013, 08:29:41 PM glad to hear you are doing so much better. hats off to you!
Title: Re: This time last year Post by: mango_flower on April 10, 2013, 09:42:32 PM That's a good reality check. I can't wait til I'm further out.
Right now, for me, a year ago today was our 4 month anniversary. I sent her a single rose to her work. I did something special on the 10th of every month, and she did for me too. So yeah... . if I look back a year ago, it's just heartbreaking. So much hope, so many dreams. It'll be easier once these milestones pass. It's nice that you still post, even though things are better for you now. Gives us hope! Thank you :) Title: Re: This time last year Post by: LuckyEscapee on April 10, 2013, 10:17:23 PM I started posting only after lurking here first for months; this forum gave me so much knowledge and advice, it was a candle in the darkness. I don't know what I would have done without it!
I post now to hopefully help others the way I was helped There is so little information out there about BPD and its crippling effects, that us peeps here need to stick together Title: Re: This time last year Post by: elessar on April 10, 2013, 10:47:13 PM The longer it is, the harder it is to forget. I remember 12 yrs back how I had a crush on this angelic girl in high school. I look 7 years back how the love of my life was with me. I look 1 year back how she asked me to buy a ring for her and propose, and when I did she said no... . lol. I look 1 week back and her telling how much she misses sex and wants to marry someone who likes it as much as her so he can keep her pleased... .
Blame is on me for making myself available to her. But then I knew her since we were mid-teenagers when I felt BPD was the furthest thing from her. I have seen her evolution from a 16 year told to a 29 year old. It pains me to see what has become of her and what is becoming of her. So hard to let go when you know so much, seen so much... . |