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Me and my current ex pwBPD have been apart for 3 weeks now with NC that she initiated. At the beginning of May, it will be one year since we met. She has talked about that date before when we were together. I'm thinking of sending a feeler email out to her on that day as an olive branch, and to see if she responds. It will be about 6 weeks of NC then (if she doesn't make a move first). Reason I ask is, being very high-functioning another member on the board suggested she might be experiencing deep "core shame" from me having found out about her lowlife guy. I agree with him because she had the chance to really slam the door in my face in front of the new guy when we had our last talk on the phone, nut didn't. I didn't really get any hater attitude at all. I heard shame, a little anger, being flustered, and slightly frantic. No hate though. She even added a modifier to the NC "Right now I don't think I wanna talk to you again". With the ex pwBPD before her many times when she said what she didn't want, she actually wanted. So the reason why I'm asking about significant dates is do you think she will be possibly thinking about our meeting that day, and I may have better chances of mending the fence?

I think  dates can be important, and yes they can say the opposite of what they mean. My uBPDh would always tell mehe wished his birthday would slip by without any notice or fanfare. At my house birthdays are big deals with the birthday person choosing their type of cake, what they want for dinner and how they want to spend the day. We truly celebrate that persons birth and life for that  day in a big way. My husband would always say he wished I hadnt made such a big deal about his,he thought it was foolish. I finally decided why should I spend the time, planning and money for something  he didnt like... . So the following birthday I igngored it per  his wish. BIG MISTAKE. He was furious, he doesnt rage loudly but internalizes things till he implodes,  and I am usually the object of his implosion. I get punished and devalued for months, and if it is collective with other mistakes I have made in is eyes, years.

So this year I planned an extended  family birthday dinner  at a local place he really likes complete with ice cream cake and gag gifts. He posted pics on facebook he was so happy. I commented so this is the kind of ignoring of your birthday you like... .   of course  he answered yes. he often says the opposite of things he means. I have learned after 10 years somewhat of how to sort things out. But I  still get blindsided at times. Just dont get your hopes up. You really have no idea what has transpired since  that conversation.

i agree the are always sending mixed signals and you have to read between the lines and figure out what the mean. My would tell me I should know what she wants or what she is thinking. So I was supposed to be a mind reader. My opinion yours sound like she was leaving a backdoor open for later date recycle. wether it happens or not who knows. It has been my expereince with mine that she would never try and burn a bridge because she might need you for something else again. Of course I want more then to used as a doormat or just a source for needs to get filled. She did that with freindships and work people. I listen to her talk horrible about other poeple in her life and then would go on trips with them or out to eat with them etc. We all have people that we work with that are not our favorite people and we try to be polite to them but most do not kiss up to them and use them. Just my take on it.

I'm not really getting my hopes up, and I don't really know what to expect from her. When she started to get inconsistent she was entirely apologetic, while outright admitting her fears. Even admitted to me in this period that "It's not fair to you to have you on the back burner in my life". I guess I'm worried that the core shame will maybe get in the way of her being able to accept that I have forgiven her. While during the phase of inconsistency my words in emails broke through to her in moments of clarity and I could tell she had some regret. And yeah, I think she left the backdoor open on purpose. You would think with her new guy present, who she was frantically trying to salvage him staying, she could have cursed me out, said she didn't love me anymore, or just showed some kind of hate which she didn't. I've even already written the email I'm going to send to her, just waiting till that day now. I have kept it pretty brief, but letting her know I don't have any hard feelings, and that I understand why she did what she did. Also letting her know that she's still special to me, and I miss her in my life. No sappy declarations of love, just honesty. I can tell she's not been with many articulate men before due to her history, so I think my words always did resonate with her. She's into stuff like The Notebook, and other Nicholas Sparks books, so I think she really enjoyed a guy who could talk to her so sweetly.