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Why does it seem like everytime I start to move on my stbexw ubp - starts to send me texts are how her heart and stomach hurts, how she thought we would be together forever, how she is sorry for everything she is.  If I'm done enough to respond the next hour or day the texts change back to hate/my fault/she can't love me/how we are two totally different people and it couldn't work (heck 19 years and were 2 totally different people/opposites?).  It is so frustrating - it seems like she has a 6th sence of knowing when I'm moving on and she trys to reel me back into her life.  I can't do it anymore.

What keeps you from blocking her calls and/or emails?

The main reason is for communication between things related to our daughter which we have shared/equal custody.  It is when I don't communicate for awhile that she sends these texts.

I have to chuckle at this post because I could almost write the same exact message today. 

10 years together, many break ups, custody hearings... .   blah blah blah. 

However, I chuckle because my ex and I dont speak to each other and she from what it seems cant stand me.  She left for another man 8 months ago, signed primary custody over to me, sued me for custody (hearing was 2 weeks ago), I kept primary (IT WAS MESSY).  But, on monday our daughter asks me to come and play with her at her mothers house and her mother says it is OK. 

Even my 7 year old daughter said "that was weird because she doesnt want to live in our house, but she is ok with you coming to her apartment to play with me". 

I didnt go, but I will agree with the 6th sense.  This wasnt the only thing that was weird this week.  However, I felt great this week and now i am somewhat anxious.  Will the craziness ever end?  DOUBT IT LOL

Cal - she isn't trying to reel you back, she is simply doing what a lot of people do when they miss someone.  She just has very poor impulse control.  Healthy people miss someone and realize it is not helpful to either party to continue communication about feelings once the decision to break up has been made.  You are here because your stbexw has BPD traits.  My guess is you think of her, miss her, but don't text, right?  Because you have more impulse control than she does, right?

Since you cannot control her, you can control you.  Have you used SET to put a real boundary around her communicating her emotions and that you will not respond? 

If you are really sick of it, there are steps you can take.

I wish I could say I didn't text - but when she sends those I do respond that I do still love and care for her and that I would still be willing to try but I need to keep my boundaries and conditions. 1. Marriage counciling and 2. she has to cut her "texting friend" out of her life 100%.  After 19 years and most of it good - I still would be willing to try.  But since the split I do realize that she just mirrored me and my values all her life, she doesn't know who she is or what she stands for, and that she is definately not the same woman she was 6 months ago (her true self is comming out).  Like I said - I wish I woulnd't respond to her texts but unlike her I remeber the 95% good and can forget about the 5% bad - where she remembers the 100% bad (and not that bad) and can't remember the good.  Most of the time when she texts this stuff is after she sees me or is feeling lonly or sees something that reminds me of her.  But she wrote off the marriage without trying to take even a tiny step to work on us. 

she has routinely told you she doesn't want the marriage - her texts are that she misses you, which is a normal feeling since you were married 19 years, she simply does not have good impulse control.


1.  Marriage counseling and BPD is not very effective, so this boundary - what is your purpose?  She is already in therapy - are you though?

2.  She doesn't want the marriage as it is, she is not going to cut out texting friend as she is moving on.  I know this is hard to hear.

Why do you keep replaying your boundaries anytime she simply apologizes and misses you?  It doesn't change any of the facts, does it?


good for you, hasn't she already told you her view of the marriage is different?


What are you doing besides posting a version of this leaving message each time she contacts you to make a change in you?

Cal - for things to change, YOU have to change.

NO, she doesn't have a 6th sense - she simply needs a fix and you give it to her every single time.  When you change, so will she.

Good questions - yes I m going to theropy and actually moving on with my life pretty good - friends, family, church, excersizing, etc.  I've also cut down on replying to her texts 100 fold - I don't think about or miss her like I did and realize life will be ok and that when the time is right God will bring the right person into my life.  I have come to the realization also is that there isn't a damn thing I can do about it - I can't fix her or love her enough to make her happy - happiness has to come from within! Maybe that's why life is good for me know - I've always know who I am and what I stand for.  I think my biggest hurdle to still cross is realize I can't be the fixer - I'm so used to being able to help people - but I am starting to realize that you can't help them if they don't want it.  But life is soo much better now - I'm getting back to the old me (whch is a good thing) - That's the part that is still hard though - I used to take one step forward and then three back - now I feel as though I'm taking 3 steps forward and only one back.  I've also come to realize "it is what it is".

good for you that you are moving on... .   what kind of tools/suggestions is your T giving you about your own impulse control and "fixer" traits?

The main thing my councilor has helped me to realize is that when your dealing with someone with as many issues as my wife has from her past is that the only way she could change is if she had a complete DNA transfer.  I don't know if he is using this as a tool but he has also suggested for a few of his patience to get in touch with me if they want (2 have) because he is almazed at my process - 2 guys similar situations but they are still having a really really rough time.  He is the one who has helped me with my fixer trait for her to realize it is what it is.  As for my impluse control he has helped me to realize sometimes the best responce is no responce (which I am using a lot more) for the little stuff - I just don't respond - thats why my texts have cut down 100 fold - it is interesting that the less I respond or if I suggests that this is an issue for the attorneys to discuss she gets more "violent and demeaning" in her texts - my responce - is not to respond - i let her know my answer that it is something the attorneys should discuss.  The small things that are so trivial she blows way out of porportion and almost 100% of the time I end up finding out she is lying about the things she told me (LOL - should be used to it now).  I guess you could in a way say that I was never a true "fixer" but I lived my life as an example to others - I did think through all of this I could help fix my wife though - since I had (or thought I had) helped her get through soo much in the last 19 years - things most people would leave their spouse for - but I guess that was part of my for better or for worse thinking. Only a few things would ever give me the out in a marriage - and she crossed that.  So now it is what it is - life goes on - the sun comes out - and happiness will return.  I wouldn't have believed that 6 months ago - but now I do!