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Title: was it me, or her ? uBPDex. Post by: dkman on April 11, 2013, 06:34:52 AM I'm in the process of detatching from my former unhealthy relationship, with a person that definitly caries some BPD traits, but are not diagnosed, and not in therapy.
Sometimes, when i find myself reading about Red flags, Projection, Recyceling etc. i find my self wondering. In my RS, i had my focus on my self, as i was going through a period, where i was ( and still are in therapy. ) and many times, i mirrored myself in my ex way of dealing with feelings, as she had been going through a period with therapy/coaching/healing/ Alternative therapy. And it seemed, that she had some good tools to be in her feelings. Ive always been a thinker, and not very close to my emotions... . In some way, when i read about ex. red flags. I can relate, totaly; She told her ex was speaking to her, very bad, she wasnt used to compliments, said that the karma in the room, would get bad when he came home from work, never where there for her, always working. But her old boyfreinds ( 7 years before ) always wanted the best for her, thus it was only sex, and she got tired of them in about a year or a ½. I think back, On a holiday, she asked me why i always talked about my exes ( after a conflict ), as they where someone i actually didnt want to be with. And i said, that i always, thus the different personalities saw something good in all of them. but i was oftent choosing a relationship, where i could keep my distance. See. here im struggeling. I can see her as the BPD in many ways, especially her roles in the drama triangle ( Persecuter, victim ) and myself in the ( rescuer, victim - but also sometimes in the pesecuter role ) Perfect Drama. But the projection is hard for me to cope with, before it can always be taken back to yourself. Eg. thinking on her in the situation, but after this rollercoaster, i can easily doubt myself. anyone else had theese my-issues Title: Re: was it me, or her ? uBPDex. Post by: bb12 on April 11, 2013, 11:17:57 PM one of the things a pwBPD is best at, is attributing blame
the r/ship is all about them, but when they are done they make all the problems and reasons for discarding - about YOU In truth, it was about both of you - so in a way, you are right to question yourself My recommendation is that you don't take too much on. Only own the bits you know were yours. For example, I can be embarrassed by some of the fights we had - where people saw me treating my ex in a disrespectful way. But I refuse to own that. I know I was forced into defending myself etc. and despite other people seeing the result of that, those fights did not start with me. What I do own, is the likelihood that I am co-dependent and get my sense of validation or esteem from others and not from within. I can own that and work on it. Owning various parts of the "he said / she said" fights can drive you bonkers, so I don't go there. Sure they happened; I said them; I am not proud of all of that. But I can't work on those things, where I can work on the bigger stuff: like why I drew this person into my world; why I didn't cut and run at the red flags; why I tolerated abuse; why I kept giving when I was getting very little back; negative inner dialogue that forced me to try harder etc. Try to separate things that you can change from things that just happened. Bb12 |