BPDFamily.com

checking the blog of a mutual friend, linked on Facebook by another friend. It was about something happened to this girl, anything related to my exBf. Than, I've the brilliant idea to navigate the whole blog. Doing it, I've come across a part where she was talking about the presentation of her new book, on 6th February in a Bookshop of her (and my exBF) hometown. I knew my exBf was there, so, as there was a picture, I've looked for him in the photo and I've found him sitting besides his exGf he is rebounding, with an elbow on her chair, and in the picture it seems as if he was touching her back... .   and while this was happening, I was at home terribly suffering for the way he was behaving to me! Well, I know I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have searched for him in that picture, but I couldn't help it. And it has beeen really painful, IT IS painful... .   We broke up on March 9th, a month now. I think he was recicling her form the first part of December. Three months of pure hell. in that period, I think I've denied all that was possible to deny, telling me that he was really stressed for the loss of his mother, that I should believe his words when he told me she was just a friend... .   I hadn't realized yet that he was triangulating (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0). And only when he went on a journey with her, still claiming that they were friends only, the pain became too deep to be ignored. It hurt very much and it is still hurting. And that picture has been the trigger af a strong anger. Anger and sorrow.

That's hard and I would feel ill seeing mine in pictures with a so called 'only a friend'.

This 'friend' thing was for me the source of the Original Pain and even though I am trying yet again, I never really recovered from her taking calls right in front of me when we first met from a guy she said was just a friend and then ridiculing his looks to me so that it should make me 'feel better'.

I don't think I will ever be comfortable again hearing her talk about any man and I am not capable of even trying to 'trust' this 'friend' thing. Even if she isn't a cheat (she's not), clearly some BPD people seem to leave ex's as endless 'back up' plans.

These are the types of pain that can be soul wrenching. I've healed as well as I can on it and if we don't make it and she goes back for round 5 with the most recent ex, I doubt I will be nearly as upset or even care anymore as I see it clearly knowing that the fate of the new King is determined by the fate of the old king.

Wait. I am the King now... . uh oh.

well, that's my only hope. I want to see her (the ex Gf) in pieces, because she behaved very bad. She helped him to cheat me, she let him paint me black whenever she had the occasion to do it. I want her to feel the same pain she was so happy to give to me. I know that the one to blame is my ex Bf, but I am so angry!

I hear your pain Billa.    It's good to start seeing your triggers. It's easy to want to direct that hurt to other people, because that would seem to help our hurt over believing things we believed. I did this too. I refused to look at the common denominator, the ex, my ex. I blamed everyone else around her, called them bad influences. I had to learn to redirect myself back to the reality of the situation. This was between my ex and myself, no one else. Her behaviors, my behaviors and how those behaviors together created "the dance." It's hard and painful to come to terms with.

What are you doing for you right now?

I know you're right... .   I've tried to focus this point, at the beginning, but my pain is so overwhelming that I can't help it... .