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How do you deal with this without either starting a fight or making things worse?  IF I bring up comments she's made, then I'm inventing things in my head.  If I say nothing, then she gets up set that I don't react.  I can never win.  How do I handle this without truly going nuts.

Validate the parts of the comments that it makes sense to validate.

So if my husband says, "you are the ruin of my life.  You can't cook or clean well and you are worthless.  I can't get my life back on track because of you my life is out of control."

Before I might have said: "that is the craziest thing I have ever heard.  I am a professional women, I support us financially.  I cook well, there is always food in the house and clean albeit not that consistently and I take on the primary brunt of taking care our child." 

But that would just start a fight... .   which is what he is looking for.

Instead I say:  Baby, its terrible that your life feels so out of control right now.

I have been better at implementing this in written communication.  Discussions I am still not so great at it.

I think when they are looking for a fight you have to find a response that works for you that shows them you understand how they feel. They are looking for a fight, don't give him one. Answers that are short and sweet and don't invest any more than you need to. I see them as neutral responses or making sure that you tell them you know how they feel. They want to hear that you understand what they are saying. When they were children no one listend to them and their feelings, that's how the disorder develops.

Without an example It's hard to give a response so bear with me.

That sounds rough

That's gotta be tough

I hate feeling that way

Oh Yea (acknowledging that he said something)

I can see why you would be upset

I hate that too

Repeat what he says- You don't feel loved? I hate feeling that way

Funny you ask this question. I asked a T this question too and he looked stumped by it. I've always been so sure in my decisions until I started taking responsibility for my Wife's feelings. What I've started to say to myself is these people don't want solutions they want problems, solve a problem and they'll find the next. Don't try to tell them they aren't the victim. I would describe my Wife as very similar to a waif, no amount of logic can overcome her feeling. Instead I've learned that I'm not responsible for how she feels.

We had a discussion lately and before I found this forum it would have turned into a circular argument so instead I validated her feelings. I got accused of being a pathological liar a couple of times but I reassured myself and said I'm not lying, it's just that the logic I'm using to reinforce my point contradicted how she feels so I'm getting accused of inventing things. I tried to solve the situation but it was just making things worse so I just said that I would like to let it go for now and talk about it some other time.

I discussed this with my Therapist and he said that I need to work on boundaries. He went on to say when she is in a bad mood I don't have to accept her stress, obviously consider if I have done anything to cause the situation, is there anything to learn or is she just in a bad mood. Within a couple of days she came down in a bad mood. I carried on on my computer, answered her questions but said to myself she's in a bad mood, she's entitled to be in a bad mood but that doesn't mean I need to absorb the stress. Then she stormed out the house. A few hours later she came home and said "You were in a foul mood this morning." I looked at her and said "Really? I'm  sorry you felt that way. I was just a little busy." I spoke to my T about it and told my T she had come in the room huffing and puffing and being really short with me and blanking a few of the things I'd said. My T asked if I pointed out the behaviour to her and I said no. He said he wouldn't advice it, which I agreed with. I said is this her projection and he said "Yes, it sounds like she may have had something on her mind she couldn't deal with so it's possible she's projected her mood on you to deal with it."

The point I'm trying to make here is I'm not overly concerned with her behaviour here because that's not for me to say. What I'm trying to point out is my behaviour and reactions to her. I've been speaking a lot to my T about this in the last couple of months and his whole opinion on it is to focus on me, how I deal with these situations. I suggested to my wife to get a journal so when she wants to self sooth to go and write in this. Which she has started doing.

I know I've written a lot. I'm trying to give examples of situations which may be similar to ones that you are dealing with. It's important to validate when you hear the words "I feel... .   " Or "I don't feel... . " Her feelings are real and valid. So I let her know that, what I won't do is argue. I will consider if there is anything I can do to help. But we must also look after ourselves. What I'm learning to do is consider my conduct and consider my values.