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I am in a tailspin.  I am plunging down the depression shoot all because I cannot control my xuNPDh or protect my 21-year-old daughter.  She inadvertently revealed last night that she allowed him to take advantage of her financially.

I know I cannot control his actions or her responses.  However, my indignation is superseding this knowledge.  To distract myself from my anger and anguish last night I stopped caring for myself.   red-flag  My distorted thinking must suggest to me that if I take out what is bothering me on myself that my indignation will somehow ease.  Well, it doesn't.  I only wake up feeling badly about myself in addition to my anger and anguish. 

This morning I am working on detaching myself from the choices that have so upset me.    I am working on remembering that I can only make choices for myself.   I am working on accepting circumstances that I do not like for what they are.   

Please tell me if you struggle with tailspins when you are blind-sighted.  I will appreciate your transparency.  I will appreciate reassurance that my setbacks are par for the course in my circuitous recovery.

Thanks. 

What a hard situation. Maybe advise her, if she is open, never, ever, ever to let him do that again. I mean, she is an adult, but just barely.

Time to wash that man(?) out of your hair, right? Being outraged by sleazy behavior will really destroy your health. Best to go NC if all all possible.

Tailspin, oh yeah, far too many times to count. And often because of the same thing you are dealing with,  the xBPDh taking advantage of our daughters. They know what he's like but especially one is really soft hearted and keeps giving him one more chance. It is really hard , I don't care what he says or does to me but when he interferes in their lives, disrupting their family, spouses and children I get so frustrated. One thing that helped was my grandsons coach, ( he is an insightful no bull kind of man ) took my daughter aside one day and told her, you know the relationship your father has with your son is not healthy. It was validation from a respected source outside of the situation, who in fact had no knowledge of the situation. Is there someone in your daughters life that could talk to her who is able to see the situation but is impartial?

Dear Maryiscontrary and Cumulus,

No contact with my xuNPDh is not possible.  We also have a graduating high-school senior who lives with me and a middle-school aged son who lives with him.  But, I do limit my contact to as little as possible and try to keep the contact we do have as superficial as possible.

Time will tell whether someone impartial yet respected will have the opportunity to know my college daughter and her father enough to be able to effectively deliver advise.  I think my daughter sees who her father is and yet will always hope for more substance to their relationship.  Hope can make boundaries rather porous.

Speaking of hope, I hope to develop more resiliency so that when I am blind-sighted I do backslide into depression and poor self-care.  Today was my second day in a depression skid.

Warm regards!