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I always have a hard time believing how exhausted I can get from certain interactions with my ex... . Of course it makes sense but I cannot believe how positively destroyed I feel physically after the official end of our brand new commitment to try again... .   which lasted under 48 hours.

It was a quick blow up and cool down and I talked as she quietly packed. She said very little other than "It's always been the same with you. Always leaving me. Since the beginning"... .   After I ranted about that I realized... .   she was right and I simply said, "You know, you are right. Nothing has changed since the day we met"

And it's true. The never ending attraction remained, the connection and most of all never feeling safe around her... .   just as she never felt safe around me.

But I am just wiped out... . I can hardly do anything.

I did socialize today and had a really great time but I feel like I ran a marathon... .

I don't want this to trigger me moping around and sleeping all day as can easily happen.

Can't wait for warmer weather... .   which will help... .  

In the meantime... .   I feel beaten up to say the least.

Yes HL involving ourselves in the drama triangle can be exhausting until we find ways to step out - we don't need to leave the r/s to step back from it.

We certainly played the role of the rescuer - rescuing is hard to sustain.

PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0)

Find ways to look after you.

Thank you Clearmind. My mind is anything but clear right now. I did socialize all day and then forced myself to go to out and did have a good time... .

I looked at the link about the Triangle and as 'proof' of my brain not functioning well right now, I can barely see who was what in the relationship as I tried so hard to be a healthy partner, not rescuing, not being co dependent (or as little as possible) and approached the relationship of course not knowing she was BPD and just thought she was 'difficult'. Like many of us, I got sucked in and exposed to being with a partner who is mentally ill. I almost have trouble writing those words without feeling guilty... . as if it's an excuse for me to simply blame her and her illness and not own up to my share of the dysfunction.

It's something that will take some time to sort out... . while it may sound counter intuitive to some or many (I am guessing) but it's harder for me to see myself as a victim than as a person who could have done things 'differently'.

Yes, I do recognise that there was culpability in my decision to stay with her when she was intolerable, when she did things to me that made me feel worse than anything I have ever experienced.

But I guess I am giving myself a bit of 'permission'... .   a one time 'pass' in a way... .   to give myself a break and realize that my pretty rational mind was so screwed up with and I was with a 'crazy' person and as such I have taken on some of her illness. I really can see it... .   The difference obviously is that there is no comparison really... . That I have all the traits that she never will that are required to be in a relationship... . Empathy, sympathy, compassion, remorse, shame and guilt.

We know she has many of these traits too but to admit shame or guilt is to her an almost psychic 'death' of sorts.

But I am starting today to sort out what parts were mine and what parts here hers.

And like many here, I know I will be faced with the hardest part. The 'Void.

And the fear that I will always be vulnurable to her if she reaches for me again... . And in fairness to her, I have to admit, it's been me continuing connection with her on a scale easily 10x greater.

the truth may hurt but lies to myself hurt worse.