BPDFamily.com

I have an ex un-diagnosed BPD (as certain as I could ever be about it) that is playing games on facebook.

First how I know anything about her facebook... .   My fault I look. We are not friends, I see her posts from another account.

When we were together she started facebook and I taught her how the facebook privacy rules work so I know she knows that her public posts can be seen by non-friends.

She had previously posted up until the middle of March for about 4 months and then suddenly stopped but now has started up again. She is a daily poster so I am fairly certain she stopped on purpose. She is posting things that she knows would be important to me. My question to the masses, just for general understanding of the behaviors is why would she still be doing this now? Control? Trying to hurt? Unfortunately about 5 months ago I told her that I was looking at her posts by emailing her about a picture she posted... .   she acted shocked that I could even see it but then redoubled her public postings.

Has anyone ever had this type of thing explained to them properly? We have been broken up a year now. She has a new guy, my replacement and a 2 month old baby so I have to tell you I am very confused why she would care about me anymore.

This doesn't really bother me at this point... .   I really am just curious. Frankly considering that she is still playing games with me after this long ups the odds that she really is an undiagnosed BPD.

Thoughts out there?

Is there a way for you to minimize your exposure to seeing the day in and day out things she's up?

Absolutely... .   I just have to stop looking.

Sounds like a good plan.   |iiii

It's only bait if you bite or are tempted by it.  There's some awesome things out in life to really enjoy - she doesn't sound like one of them anymore.

I agree Mango... .   I get out all the time, have a girlfriend and I am not biting on this.

She is currently on vacation in a place where we last went right during the same month she was replacing me. This is her parents vacation house in Arizona. My best guess is that being where we last were has triggered her a bit. Everywhere else she goes and lives now wouldn't, it is all different than during our time together, but this is the last place we were together so no doubt I have come to mind.

Not only would biting on this not be good for me but if I believe as I do that she has a very serious mental illness me playing back to her would set her off. I would never get any real conversation from her, or even real answers as to why she is still posting publicly... .   all that would happen, as it did many many times before is turn into a useless argument.

I wanted answers too.  I learned someone can't provide me answers if they don't have answers for them self.  Leaves a lot of questions.


Is it fair to say it may have jarred you too just a little?  It's not a judgment - at the time the person meant a lot to us.  It happens - it's good to be honest with yourself too.  It's also okay to have formed a bond with someone and it hurts when it's broken.

Good to hear things are looking up in your neck of the woods though... .   how's life been? work? play?

I understand the Facebook games. That's how I was able to find out my current ex pwBPD was seeing someone behind my back. My first red flag was that she wouldn't accept her own BF's friend request, so I kept watch. Surely enough she public posted a pic of them, but I think didn't expect I would see it while it was still public (maybe she did it to make him feel better, but hoped I wouldn't see). I glanced at his page and he advertises their relationship. Since then she doesn't post anything public that's too telling. A new profile pic almost seems like a shout out to me since she hates the way she looks in glasses (but knows I love it) yet posted a pic in them. On the other hand her new guy makes nearly every single thing about himself private: friends, no profile pic, no postings. Only his relationship with her and some very douchebag, white trash likes that speak a lot about the type of person he is. I've imagined he's looked at my profile and became very insecure, hence advertising their relationship and hiding all he can about himself. I'm not exactly a little guy, but he is.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Who knows. It's painful. I hold off as long as I can but sometimes I can't resist looking, and it hasn't even been a month since we've parted and had NC. Part of me is hoping her usual white trash lowlife cycle to expire any moment, and for her to pop back up. But the biggest part of me just misses her.

It's a way to stay connected.  It staves off abandonment depression or grief. 

Can't say jarred... .   but I have had my pain, many months of it.

I agree that I would never get an explanation from her. In a moment of actually clarity with her... .   a couple months after our break up when we were still texting, I asked her to explain her behavior and she told me quote "I do not fully understand myself sometimes." Doesn't get much clearer with BPD.

Anyway, this is why I posted this question on here. I haven't emailed her or had any communication with her in 5 months nor do I plan on changing that. It really was a curious question... .   the behaviors are fascinating.    

Something similar is being done by my xpwBPD. She made a facebook account during our good times with a username including half the letters from my first name and half the letters from her first name. She is keeping this open and  giving full access to me to her page. After break up 6 weeks ago, she is now posting cover pics of out trip overseas., pictures of gifts I gave her on Christmas. She has not removed any of our old pictures. New ones, include her happily doing community service etc.

Only they know what they are trying to communicate?

Must be nice. Once again I just shake my head, I must be one in a million. My ex deleted and blocked me immediately. She then cut me completely out of her life in every way shape and form she possibly could. Games? Lol are you kidding me? I'd love even just one. I never heard a single word from her again... .   ever, not even a peep. Be thankful. Despite the fact she may be in a relationship these types of games (as childish as they are) do show some level of validation and or feelings.

I guess the question is – is she playing games or is that the way you perceive it?

This contact to you may mean something different to her.

I never had Facebook until after the relationship ended with the expwBPD.  I geuss I was just in a panic to see what everyone else that I hadn't been in contact with was doing, it was not a great idea to say the least.   The expwBPD sent me a scathing email saying how awful I was for friending alot of people we used to work with-whom she described as idiots-but they were several of the same people she was friends with.  Anyway in the email she was mad because I didn't 'friend' her.  I was dumbfounded-she was the one that was cheating with some guy and wouldn't answer my calls as I was confused in the end but was upset I didn't 'friend' her.  She had the guy she was seeing block me-he had them listed in an intimate relationship, then two weeks later as engaged.  She of course didn't put her new man's info on the page where I could see it.  Little to say I defriended and blocked her and her couple of friends after as soon as I heard/discovered what was going on.  Now at 5 months of No Contact I've still got her email blocked and phone blocked but was going to take the FB block off, just because I don't feel like I need to hide or be scared of her like I have been with the whole PTSD I've had-I'm working at getting my confidence back, I have no desire to contact her or respond to her contact, but I feel like if anyone should feel any remorse or hide their face it should be her.  I just don't care what she sees, hears, or says about me at this point.  

Clearmind:

No question I have no idea what is on her mind with posting things on facebook... .   heck it might not even be for me, she has played games with many people over the years. Just an educated guess using the evidence at hand.  I don't see it as contact, I see it as a game. She could contact me anytime she wanted she knows my email address.

I have to fill in a bit here I guess... .   I went through months and months of emails and texts with her trying to understand why she did what she did. I never did get any real answers but in every email replay that I got from her she would give a piece of info that I would have no other way of finding out. Her pregnancy for one, some medical issues she had during pregnancy and even the sex and expected due date of the baby. I told her flat out that I didn't buy this hard ass act she put on with me because of all the extra info she gave me. Plus the fact that she answered at all... .   she could have simply deleted the emails altogether. If one of the last emails I sent to her I told her that I saw a picture that she posted on facebook and that she looked good pregnant. By telling her that she knew I was looking. She could have quickly made sure no more pictures or posts were set to public after that but instead they continued for 4 additional months, including the play by play of her daughters birth. About the middle of March that all stopped until today when she posted pictures of her, her boyfriend and her daughter in Arizona. As stated in the posts above this was the last thing we did together before our end. So again I am sure she is triggered and has me on her mind. It doesn't help me in the slightest that she is thinking of me... .   frankly I think she is trying to turn the knife so this isn't some recycle attempt. Without making this post too long she is very well aware that picture in Arizona would bother me. So this is where the question comes from, why still would she be trying to stick it to me?

Sorry didn't answer your question above... .   Life has been good, still have my days... .   thus being on here. Work is good and may soon get a bit better. Play, waiting for the weather to break so I can start putting some miles on the new road bicycle I bought around xmas time.

Don't take this as being mean, but if you're looking at her postings through another account and she still has you blocked you should take some time off FB really.  Why are you bothering to look at her page if you aren't involved in a relationship with her any longer?  Personally it would not do me one ounce of good to look at my expwBPD's page, I honestly no longer care or would be shocked at what she puts on there.  

Scotis:

Not taking it as anything like that... .   you are right I shouldn't be looking... .   but I have because of curiosity. Still getting past the need for a connection of any sort is what the deal is.

Most times I don't and then I go through stretches of needing to look at it like today.   

I understand completely, I do.  I would be curious I geuss to see what's on my exBPD's page as well, but it would only serve to hurt me further and hamper my recovery really.  Honestly whatever they have to put up or say is 95% BS anyway. 

Its crazy that we end up being the ones that do nutty stuff/looking crazy after they end it walking away with Joe Snuffy hand in hand with smiles on their faces without a care in the world, ultimately karma and continued baggage and lies will catch up with them. 

This all really positive stuff going on in your life.  *)


Takes time.  I think that desire has a tendency to sneek up every once in awhile.  I'd really be surprised if anyone went the rest of there life never thinking about that ex again.  Maybe it's just more of when it comes acknowledge it - not sure you actually have to do anything about it though.

It's okay to have times where you miss her.  It's being human.

I agree there... .   We do end up looking crazy. I am sure she told all her friends that would listen about how I was emailing her and wouldn't leave her alone. Of course leaving out any details that would make her look bad. I was lucky enough after our break up to have one of her friends tell me what she was saying about me... .   thick stuff was the BS.

I honestly can say I am not that hurt by this... .   maybe time has helped. The mere fact that she is still putting public posts up after all this time and considering her new life, actually helps a bit. It gets rid of any lingering doubt I may have about if she really is as sick as I think.

I really don't know what the point of all of her postings are. We are never getting back together, recycle is out of the question with an infant and we cannot be friends. Actually the nicer I am to her the more angry she gets so I have given up on that too. As the song by Gotye says: "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." Perfect BPD song by the way.

Sheesh thinking about the words to that song is depressing to say the least.  Its basically just taking a couple years of my life and flushing it down the toilet.

GreenMango:

Unfortunately for me she will always be with me... .   too long to explain it all but I had many "strings of life" attached to her. Youth, beauty, and I even gave up a big dream for her. Knowing she is sick helps the logic part... .   knowing we would never have made it long term, but on the other hand knowing she is sick makes me feel bad for her too.

It is mentioned all over the place on these boards but he logic and emotional separation that happens is one aspect that may be the hardest to deal with.

You posted that she looked good – I wouldn’t block you either/adjust settings either.

If it was a message like “I cannot believe you are pregnant only after x months. How could you?” – this would provide a is a reason for blocking.

_____

T14, yes you are right we don’t know what it means and I guess that is my point. We can stress ourselves out over the possibilities without actually knowing the motive.


Some of us go no contact to save ourselves from the pain of contact – out of desperation. Borderlines do not understand their role therefore they don’t need “no contact” to protect them from anything! See, no contact means something very different to her than it does to you.

She has a new protector (any new partner) and you my friend are not a threat or a promise – you are in her memory sure, however the painful memories she had when she was with you are likely to be non-existent. We harbor those painful memories a lot longer than pwBPD do – Borderlines have some poor coping skills and they let go rather quickly.

BPD Behaviors: Objectifying the Non-partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0)

Reaching out to you is likely to be the same as a long lost friend reaching out to you.  She is not “sticking it to you” T14. We are objects and she does not see herself having any central role in the demise of the relationship.

What emotions come up for you right now T14? Anger? Rejection? Feeling manipulated?

There is a reason you are triggered – can we seek out that reason? – its in you rather than what she is doing/not doing.

Clearmind: Just some more detail... .   she did not react to my telling her she looked good in any positive way... .   she got very angry and pretended she had no idea how I could have seen that picture. She had blocked me from FaceBook almost immediately after our breakup. As was mentioned I look at her stuff from another account. As long as she posts publically the entire facebook universe can see those posts. She knows this... .   I taught her.

I gave her the pregnancy question... .   back in September after she told me about it... .   and it was 5 weeks post breakup for her.

Anyway, I really am not triggered. I have learned a lot about BPD behaviors from others experiences so I put the question out to the masses. Just trying to figure out what is down that mysterious rabbit hole called her brain.

I have to disagree about the long lost friend thing... .   if I was to email her about the posted pictures I would get questioned as to how I saw them (her pretending that she has no idea) would get threatened with an harassment complaint for emailing her. There would be nothing friendly about it. We are not long lost friends in her book. Her replies to me in the past had real emotion attached to them... .   and none of it good.

I guess its a matter of perception - look up "object constancy" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.0).

Jdc, I've noticed so many songs lately make me think about BPD and my ex. I was at the gym a few days ago and my shuffle brought up Monday Morning by Fleetwood Mac: "Monday morning you sure look fine, Friday I got travelin' on my mind, first you love me, then you fade away" Reminds me exactly of what happened to me. Some days it seems every song is slapping me in the face.

jdcthunder,

I undersatnd your point that she will be always be with you. I feel the same.

Why?  In good times, she used to ask me "Will you still be my friend if I get sick or if I get crazy?" "Will you be there at my bedside when I die?" "Can you promise me?"

I said I promise I will always be your friend whatever happens in future. I will never hate you. One reason its so hard for me is that I made that promise sincerely and for me its like breaking the promise I made. I think it may be my guilt. In one of her rages with crying and screaming 3 weeks ago,

she kept repeating "I dont want you to hate me. Please don't hate me... .   please."  The pain in her voice was palpable and it was so heartbreaking to me. Anyway,

I am in NC for 2 weeks and have no plan to contact her in any way except to look her FB page occasionaly to know that she is doing OK.

I feel your pain WanttoKnow... .   My situation wasn't the same... .   in her mind she figured we must hate each other at the end. She had no concept that I could still care for and love her even though she was cultivating my replacement and I knew it. That is what broke us up. Unlike a lot of folks on here, I was one and done. She cheated, I caught and confronted, she lied to my face and I was moved out. Because of a lack of any closuer and a lack of understanding how a person could do this to someone... .   interchanging emotions like love and hate so easily (same 24 hour period I got an "I love you" and "we are done." It took me on a journey to try and understand her. I also went to CBT for 6 months to help understand myself a bit.

Magnet:

A lot of songs make me think of her... .   Goyte's song mentioned above was one of them. She gave me 3 songs to listen to after our breakup... .   frankly I didn't know if they were for me or about her... .   Desperado by the Eagles was one of them. I asked her to explain them, asking if they were for me and she said no they were just songs about life that she listens to when she is feeling ~ty about herself. It has always been like that with her, post breakup, she leaves a trail of bread crumbs to a door but then will not allow you to open the door. In other words she gives me bits and pieces of info about her thoughts and feelings but can never fully explain them... .   now she is doing it with her life through facebook.

Clearmind:

I can see object consistancy being and issue when we were together. Frankly I know it was... .   she had a very distorted view of my life at work or anytime I was out... .   I whole lot of cheating accusations came at me. I remember when I changed jobs from the one we both worked at she told me she was having a very hard time with it, even though I was going to see her in as little as 5 or 6 hours.

I don't think that really fits now though. She wouldn't and I am sure doesn't care about what I am doing day to day... .   As I have said and you too, she has a new protector and a new baby, so I should be the last person on her mind. Dissociative Amnesia I would suspect at this point. She is maybe remembering what ever bad she felt at our end and remembering only that. How that translates to public facebook pictures I do not know.

I too had another Facebook profile that I used to look at his page.  He has everything set to public, so I could see all that he was posting. 

I blocked HIM on Facebook, so I was feeling guilty about checking his page.  At first, it was to make myself feel safe.  I was afraid he was planning to do something to me, and I thought I could get clues from his page.

What I got instead was just more of the same.  I got exactly what I got when we were in contact, only this time it wasn't on purpose.  I got that he was going back to his wife.  Then he wasn't.  Then he was "liking" pages of organizations I was involved in, and "liking" posts and pictures I was in.  Then he was going back to his wife.  Then he unliked everything he had just liked.

I foun I was on the same roller coaster, only this time it was completely my own doing.  So last Wed. I deactivated the 2nd account.  It takes 2 weekend for it to be actually deactivated.  Wish me luck and fortitude that I can stay away and truly start healing once and for all!

I did the same thing, deactivated the account... .   but then needed my "fix" (really is like an addiction is some regards) and it came right back... .   I must not have waited the two weeks. I will have to do that again.

All this is doing is making me waste even more time thinking about a long ago past that has no meaning anymore.

I think I need to answer my own question... .   why is she doing it? Well she has BPD is why... .   no making sense of that.

It is absolutely an addiction!

If you deactivate the account, you can just sign back on any time and procede as normal.  You have to permanantly delete the account if you don't want access to it any more.  It took me a while to figure out how to do that.  I only really use my phone, and I think that added to the difficulty.  But you search help on Facebook to find out how to do it.  You have to enter your password to do it, and it will inform you that you will have access to the account for 2 weeks. Then you'll know you have deleted it, and not just deactivated it.

PM10

I didn't know that... .   but truthfully I have to not look. I will delete the account but I could always make another one if I wanted. So I have to get myself straight and not want to look anymore.

As stated above, I am curious about why she would do it... .   but I need to get to a place where I just do not care anymore.

As Mango said it is bait... .   up to me if I take it or not.

I understand.  It occurred to me too that I could just make another account.  I just felt like deleting it was a step.  Waiting the 2 weeks will be another step.  Each step making me stronger so that I do not WANT to look again.

I know, though.  There is much more to it than that!

Does anyone know if there is a way to effectively delete their account from your point of view? What I mean is to make the account so it doesn’t exist? Im not fussed about her looking at my account, its just that I cant help myself looking at her putting up a new picture of herself every 3 days……

Mighty:

Blocking them on your end is the best you can do there. If you make a different account just to look at her posts, like I did, then there is a different set of rules for each account. In computer programming terms, there is no "global" setting to keep you from see her posts anywhere on the internet... .   as I mentioned above that global setting is inside ourselves.

Facebook is the devil.  That's what I've concluded. 

My boyfriend's children and soon to be exw/BPD used it to publicly humiliate him on several occasions.  She had alienated the children from him at the time.  She even mentioned my name on there in a passive aggressive way so that people would ask her about me.  She sent me a scathing private message through FB to me as well. 

In our case, FB has come back to bite her.  She posts a bunch of stuff about how wonderful her life is and it has upset my boyfriend's family greatly.  He's going through cancer treatment and they're upset that she's so insensitive to that.   

The children (they're teen and adult) are beginning to question their mother.  Others who know the situation are realizing that her behavior is not right as well. 

My friend and I decided that nobody puts anything close to reality on FB.  We call it "Facebook Branding." 

That's especially true with pwBPD.  We can't take anything that they write seriously.  I have much less curiosity about it because I've finally realized that it's irrelevant.  It's as if someone said, "I'm going to create a FB page for Jane Doe.  Then I'm going to post a bunch of stuff but it will all be lies."  Who would care to read that?  I certainly wouldn't. 

Try to see it for the Facebook branding that it is and perhaps you'll be far less curious about it.  Also, you may want to block her from you so you will have to go through an extra step in order to see any of it.  Finally, remember that it's not real and you don't want to waste your precious energy and time on something that is a fabrication or exaggeration of the truth. 

I agree on this point... .   don't know about the devil, I think it just allows people to be who there are in a more public forum. I have seen other posts of hers that I am sure had nothing to do with me... .   way to personal, looking for attention. Like you said, trouble with facebook goes double for people with BPD.

I am not curious about what is going on in her life... .   really. I just know that these particular posts are aimed at me and I wonder why she would still care what I am thinking... .   it has been a year and she has a new life. As I mentioned further up the thread she hadn't posted anything public for a over a month so I actually thought she was done playing the game, then up pops the Arizona pictures that I know are aimed at me. My past responses to these things (> 5 months ago) would be to fire off an email so maybe she is expecting that... .   but don't know.

Well after doing a bit more reading on this type of behavior I have to say I agree with Clearmind... .   this isn't an attempt to hurt, it is what is commonly termed a "~." We wouldn't get into a full fledged recycle, that would be impossible considering her circumstances, plus I have no intention of going down that path to no where. As mentioned above I went through many months of emailing, all of which she answered. The communication would ultimatley turn into an argument so frankly i got sick of it, ran out of things to say and was getting nothing in return, so I stopped. That was 5 months ago.

It will be interesting to see if she steps up her attempts by emailing me. The only positive I would gain from that would be to be as close to 100% sure then that she indeed has BPD.

Thanks for the input folks.