BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

Can you advise me on how to deal with this? 2 months ago my uBPDexgf (gf at that time) ended our r/s when I confronted her that she was not sure about me and that she could find out some day that she doesn´t want to be with me. This was after a couple of other confrontations I did to her, about some minor r/s things, but that were big issues to her. At that time she was doubting about her feelings towards me, but I´m sure that she doubted not because she didn´t love me, but because she couldn´t deal with what she felt were my demands (although it were minor issues).

By the way, I think that she´s not a typical BPD, because she has a big evitating tendency, she only had one r/s before me, and in her, the engulfment fear seems to be bigger than the abadonment fear, which is also enormous. She is very defensive and doubtful about people, and prefers to be alone. So, across our 10 month r/s she was all the time doubting if she really wanted this, and testing me to see if she could trust me, etc.

Anyway, this conversation we had set her off, and then she went on a 7 day panic attack, very disregulated state, also not being able to eat or sleep, until she said that she thought that something was lacking in our r/s, and she finished it and went N/C for a month. I respected that, and after a month iniciated some little facebook chat interactions, that she accepted well, although very cautious and distant.

After a couple of weeks of some random little facebook chats, she said that "one day" we could see each other. A week later, I asked if she wanted to meet, and she said it was too soon, and she wasn´t ready yet. But, a couple of days later, she called me in the chat (always texting) and said that she was afraid of being with me because she didn´t know how to be with me as friends, and that she could mistake things and get carried away. I validated all of her fears, and said it was ok, and that we would meet if and when she wanted and was ready to. She said she wanted to keep seeing me, and I was glad about that. So, I asked her to come for a walk one afternoon, but she replied that she couldn´t, and explained that she´s still confused about me, and that she doesn´t know what she wants, and she is feeling very needy and she would fall into my arms, the whole story would repeat, and so she had to protect both of us from that, and she needed to have emotional space to sort things out inside her. She added that whenever "she came close to me" (or thought about it, as we haven´t met for over two months) she got very anxious and nervous, and sick (she throws up when she´s anxious). She also feels a scrupulous blame for sending me ambigous signs, for not being able to decide about me, and she wants to protect me from her because of that.

So, the bottomline, is: I really believe that she loves me, because it´s been a long time and she doesn´t stop thinking about me. She wants to be with me, but isn´t able to do it because she gets sick if she does, because of her indecision and engulfment/abandonment fears. She wants to sort things out about me by being away and rationally decide if I´m the one for her or not, but she´ll never be able to do that, she´ll always doubt and hesitate. I think she feels that the only safe way to come back to me, is if she´s sure that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, otherwise there will be a breakup possibility and she doesn´t want to get involved and then suffer. So, if I try to convince her to come back, she´ll feel that I´m pressuring her, and set her engulfment fears off; if I just let her have space forever, she´ll probably be in this confusion state forever, or until things simply become obsolete as much time passes by. I´m stuck with no options, she has me cornered and neutralized.

So, which options do I have? How do I deal with this? I´m damned if I do, and damned if I don´t. Is the best thing to do just carry on with my life, and let her perpetuate this endless no-win situation, and hope that she eventually gets over it? Or should I go try to win her with flowers, or something?

Sorry for the long post, and thanks for your advice!

Depends on what you want in life. You can read the stories here and see what a romantic relationship is like. You can read other stories and see what a friendship is like. You can read still other stories in the detaching and personal inventory board and see what real detaching is like.

I'm taking the friendship route right now. Tried romance and it cost me everything. I'd be fine staying away forever but she contacted me and... .   Well ... . I like her. So i've done my best to stay away from the "i love you"s and other romantic words. But she's pulling me. She might get fed up with my "friendship" since she wants more. So be it.