BPDFamily.com

Hi all.  Husband and I are separated and my lawyer is proposing an interim agreement governing custody, payments, etc.  She only has a few years experience and I don't want to leave anything out.

Our agreement has in it:  Custody/visitation days; What my husb should pay me in child support; that we should communicate by text and email only; That both parents have to be notified of all medical, health, education issues; that we split medical expenses 50/50.

What am I missing?  I don't want to forget something crucial and get screwed later.

I keep being tempted to switch attorneys, but it seems to me that they all have their good and bad points. 

Good that you're doing research before signing anything! I wish I had done that. Include as many deadlines or consequences to stuff as you can. And even if it is awkward to do , go back and forth with your attorney to make your document as watertight as possible (when you get that feeling that you're being a pain to your attorney, ignore it. In fact, take it as a sign that you're doing well!)

For example, in my temporary order, it said that N/BPDx would give S11 permission to travel to Canada with me. I wish I had specified that N/BPDx would provide permission using the same letter he had used during the marriage. Or something like that. Does that make sense? N/BPDx wrote a batsh!t crazy letter permitting me to travel to Canada that listed what S11 could and could not do, including a bunch of editorializing stuff that said I was flight risk and had been detained at the border in my youth, and, well, you get the picture. No customs official would have let me into the country with that letter.

I posted this in another thread -- it's actually part of a training manual for parenting coordinators who are helping high-conflict spouses put together a parenting plan. So it's not exactly what you're doing right now, but it may help you think very carefully through the kinds of conflicts you anticipate. You won't have to include everything in a temporary order, but try to get as much in there as reasonable. And then prepare for your ex to violate the order pretty regularly. Those violations will help you if ( when?  ) you end up back in court for any reason.

It's a bit long and doesn't fit in the character limit, but here it is:

Communication

Times when we can communicate directly:

• Significant medical or dental issues, medications or referrals to specialists.

• Significant issues with the child’s behaviour or discipline, such as police involvement with the child or the disappearance of the child.

• New and significant school issues, such as referral to special programming, truancy or suspensions.

• Minor adjustments in plans, excepting when the adjustment becomes a point of contention between parents.

Frequency of communication:

Does the parenting plan need to specify that parents are to communicate directly only in emergency situations?

• Are parents able to communicate directly about more than the critical information outlined above without the involvement of a third party?  

• Can parents work towards scheduling a regular time for communication, such as once a month or once weekly?

• How should a parent respond if the other parent is communicating too often, such as daily or many times during a single day?

Communication methods

• How do parents plan to exchange information? In person? By phone, letter or e-mail?  

• Is e-mail the preferred method of communication, given that it allows for a written record that shows the time of the message and the identity of the sender?

• Is voice mail, text messaging, and caller ID  acceptable if agreed to by both parents?

• Do parents need to consider having communications copied to neutral parties on each side to reduce the negativity in them?

• If the use of e-mail is the established mode of preferred communication, when will a telephone call be acceptable?

• Is face-to-face discussion between parents acceptable, or can parents eliminate this possibility if they establish transfer protocols that do not permit any physical proximity between them, except perhaps in situations that involve very young children?  

• If face-to-face communication is planned, what steps can parents take to ensure the child witnesses only civil and matter-of-fact communication between parents, rather that spiteful and negative exchanges that impact the child negatively?

Time frames for responding: 24 hours? 48 hours?

Education:

• Who consents for assessment procedures? e.g. psychology, occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy.

• Who contributes to developing the Individual Program Plan (IPP) and who has the authority to sign it?

• Who consents to placement in a special class, program, or school and does the short or longterm nature of the placement alter this?

• What mechanism will be used if parents disagree about the assessments and/or interventions?

• Who pays for the fees and extra transportation costs of such programming?

• Who decides if the child needs extra services such as tutoring, and who takes the child to these sessions and pays for them?

Changeovers in parenting times

• What is the exact time of day that the transfer of parenting responsibility occurs?  

• Which parent is responsible during the child’s school day on a transfer day?

• Who is to be called if the child is ill, hurt, or otherwise must leave school on a transfer day?

• Who is responsible for providing care on a professional day, early dismissal day, or day during which school is cancelled?

• Can the parent who is not the designated parent on a particular school day take the child out of school to attend appointments and who books such appointments?

• Can the parent who is not the designated parent on a particular school day take the child out for lunch or come to the school to eat lunch with the child on school property?

• Can either parent take the children out of school early or return them late from weekends or holiday periods?

• Is there a designated maximum amount of time that children can miss school for such optional activities as holiday travel?

Transfers of materials

• How are transfers of clothing and materials to be handled between homes during changeovers from one parent to the other?  

• Should the child take only school materials along if the transfer is to occur at school, and how should other belongings be transferred?

• What happens if needed possessions are forgotten in one home and must be retrieved after the child has transferred to other parent’s care?

Children with organizational difficulties  

• What special considerations may be needed to manage issues such as homework, assignments and projects, notices and materials?

• Do arrangements need to be made to allow the child to e-mail work projects to a home account to permit continued work on them and to make sure they don’t get lost or misplaced between school and either of their homes?

Communication between home and school

• Who receives and signs the report card, school newsletter and other notices?  

• Are duplicate copies of notices and newsletters available for both parents?

• Does each parent assume responsibility for making arrangements with the school to receive copies of such information or is one parent responsible for making copies of all of this information for the other? Note: the first alternative may be the better option in high-conflict

situations.

• How will school picture or book orders be managed?

• What happens when information is sent to one parent that must be followed up by the other

during their parenting time, such as snack day or pyjama day? Can these matters be solved

in early school years if each parent obtains a copy of the monthly activity calendar?

Parent-teacher interviews

• Will parents attend parent-interviews together or can they book two separate interviews, or alternate in attending parent-teacher interviews?

• Can a parent bring a new partner, neighbour, relative, or friend to the parent-teacher interviews?

When both parents are attending an activity, such as a school concert, do they need to agree ahead of time about where each will sit, who will bring and take the child home, and the nature of contact between all parties so that the child does not have to choose one parent over the other?

Provision of the court order to the school    

• What procedures will be put in place to ensure the school setting has the most recent court order? Will one parent be responsible for this task?

• Should the school be provided only with the portion of the court order that pertains to that setting rather than the whole order, given the personal and private nature of some of the information it contains?  If so, how will this be achieved?

Parental behavior and communication during exchanges

During transfers in high-conflict situations, parents should not discuss any “business” over the child’s head. Such discussion should be structured as outlined in the portion of the parenting plan that specifies how issues are to be discussed and resolved.

• Can the parents communicate at all?  

• Should comments be limited to notifying the receiving parent of issues such as illness, special school days and other activities?

• What words should be used to say good-bye and greet the child so that the child does not feel pressured or constrained? For example, if a child is so attuned to the animosity and conflict between the parents that he or she will not hug or kiss a parent in the presence of the other, a different greeting may be necessary.

• Are parents able to tell the child to have a good time when they are leaving, so that the child has permission to enjoy time with the other parent?

• Do both parents need to institute rituals that ease the child’s transition between homes, such as having a snack, reading a special story, packing a special stuffed animal, or exchanging a hug prior to saying goodbye?

• Can parents say good-bye to the child and leave promptly so that the child is less likely to become agitated?

• Can parents be courteous, cordial, and polite during the exchange to limit the child’s anxiety?

Delayed returns

• What is the scheduled return time?

• What is an acceptable reason for the delay?

• What procedures are to be used if a parent is delayed in taking the child to an exchange or picking a child up? What number should be called?

• What are the procedures if a parent arrives to pick up a child and the child is not ready or not at home?

Notification regarding medical emergencies during extracurricular activities

• What degree of injury necessitates immediate notification of the other parent? Is it a broken bone, stitches, or an ambulance trip to the hospital?

• Which contact number should be used to notify the other parent?

• If the other parent is busy or unavailable, should someone else be notified who will then attempt to contact the parent about the child’s injury? This allows the immediate parent to direct attention to obtaining appropriate medical services for the child, instead of trying to track the other parent down.

Changes to the parenting schedule

• Are parents agreeable to adjusting the regular parenting scheudle to accommodate holiday periods?  

• Have parents established a regular transfer day, such as Thursday, that already allows for easier accommodations for long weekends throughout the year and may ease the transitions into longer holiday periods?

• If parents plan to change the regular parenting schedule during these holiday blocks of time, will parameters be set that are applied on a yearly basis? Given that parents’ work and holiday schedules often differ from the child’s scheduled school holidays, it is often wise to

plan holiday schedules on a yearly basis rather than on a holiday-by-holiday basis. The latter may result in confusion and conflict.

• How do parents plan to adjust the regular parenting schedule, perhaps alternating summer holiday periods on a four-week, two-week, or one-week schedule? Some establish the holiday parenting schedules depending upon whether the year is even or odd. For example, a

child spends the winter break with the father on all evenly numbered years and with the mother on all odd years.  

• Are parents sensitive to the child’s age and needs in determining the length of holiday blocks, given that a young child may have difficulty tolerating long separations from a parent on whom he or she is highly dependent. A longer-term plan that gradually increases

holiday length can be a prudent accommodation. It is vital to consider the child’s needs, not just the parents’.

Short-notice changes and accommodations  

• Many parents have little control over their own employment schedules and cannot make plans far in advance. What happens when a parent is not informed about his or her allotted holiday periods with the child until shortly before the actual holiday period?  

• What is the minimal notice required for changing schedules to accommodate a parent’s planned vacation periods?  

• If a parent cannot take the child during their designated holiday period, is the other parent expected to change their own plans to accommodate caring for the child?  

• How will the child be informed of the cancelled holiday and the alternate arrangements?

• If a parent cannot take time off work to accommodate all of the child’s holiday periods, what happens in regards to care of the child?  

• Can the child go to day-care, a baby sitter, a new spouse, or a member of the extended family during holiday periods?  

• Can the child attend day or over night camps or must the parent be personally parenting for the entire holiday?  

International travel

Who will be responsible for preparing the documentation necessary for international travel? For example:

• Passport

• Non-traveling parent’s permission letter – federal requirement. The non-traveling parent must have this notarized. Who pays the notary fee?

• Flight and accommodation itinerary – including specific dates and flights.

• Phone numbers at accommodations.

• Non-traveling parent’s contact information .

• Specific written permission to seek emergency medical care.

• Vaccination records or other necessary medical records.

• Travel insurance.

Also consider:

• Will a passport be necessary for travel?  

• Who will apply for the passport?  

• Who will sign as the guarantor for the child’s passport?  

• Who will pay for the passport?  

• Who will hold the passport?

• Who will arrange for necessary travel vaccinations?  

• Who will pay for vaccinations?

• Who will take the child to the travel clinic?

• Who will hold the documentation pertaining to the vaccinations?

• Under what exceptional circumstances would a parent not be listed as the emergency contact?

• Although in most families parents pay for the child’s holiday expenses, such as plane tickets, are there any exceptional circumstances in which this general rule would not apply?

The rest of it:

Communication with the non-traveling parent

• Will the children be expected to call or contact the non-traveling parent?  

• Who pays for the telephone calls?  

• Will phone cards be provided?  

• Which way does the call go, child-to-parent or parent-to-child?  

• What time are the calls to be made, given that different time zones may result in calls at odd hours?  

• Do adolescents need to call the non-traveling parent?

Travel insurance

• Who will ensure that travel insurance is obtained for the child for the holiday?  

• Should extra medical costs be incurred, how will they be paid?

Health care

Under what circumstances would the children not retain the same health care providers they saw prior to the family break-up? 

• If a child requires a new care provider, who selects the provider?

• Under what name will the child be registered with the provider?

• How will a decision about a consultation be made if parents do not agree on the need for the consult or treatment itself?

• How will a decision about a consultation be made if parents do not agree on the choice of practitioner? 

• When is a second opinion needed and who would pay for this?

Appointments and routine care

• Will one parent be responsible for setting appointments and taking the child to the appointment, or will parents divide these responsibilities by type of practitioner, parenting time block, employment schedules, the insurance plan subscriber, etc.? 

• Will the parents alternate taking the child to appointments, recognizing that this will require more communication between them?

• Will both parents have direct access to the child’s records?

• Who will retain written documentation, such as the child’s immunization record?

• How will information about the findings of the consultations or the treatment progress be shared? 

• If a medical practitioner recommends a medication regime for a child, are there any

exceptional circumstances where parents do not need to follow the treatment plan? 

Emergency care

• If emergency care is required, can the parent responsible for the child provide the other parent’s contact information to the hospital or health care provider?

• Should the parent request that the emergency setting immediately contact the other parent or is that parent willing to make this contact?

• Once notified, should the other parent attend the emergency setting or do circumstances exist that would preclude their attendance, such as a restraining order? 

• Will parents be able to be civil to ensure the child is not further traumatized by the experience? 

• If one parent does not attend, how will he or she be updated about the child’s status?

Costs for care

• Who pays the basic medical fees?

• Who pays extra costs? For example:

• extended benefit plans;

• uncovered portions of costs;

• medication, supplements, medical appliances, orthotics, special diet, corrective lenses; or

• lost orthodontic appliances and corrective lenses.

• When one parent wishes the child to undergo a specific treatment that is not covered under standard health care, will this be a legitimate extraordinary expense. In other words, will both parents be contributing to cost?

• Who bears the cost of any non-essential medical interventions and materials, such as cosmetic orthodontics or contact lenses?

General issues regarding mental health

Given that many people are sensitive and cautious about seeking input for mental health concerns, and that some people see the need for mental health input for their children as negative reflection on their parenting, specific considerations arise in regards to this type of intervention.

Parents need to be very clear about the parameters of confidentiality in relation to a child’s mental

health:

• Can information be shared with both parents and can this include information about the other parent?

• Who else might access the information and who would give consent for that access? Additionally, the role of the professional must be clearly specified. For example, a counselor cannot assume an assessment role and cannot make recommendations about custody/access. Similarly, an assessor cannot also undertake simultaneous counselling with family members. Parents must clarify such distinctions (therapist v. assessor) from the very beginning of their contact with a mental health professional.

Should the other parent be given first right of care when a parent cannot provide care personally? For example, this might include before and after school care, overnights to accommodate business or out-of-town travel? Is there a minimum time frame that should apply? 

Thank you for going out of your way to post this.

My big fear as that as our kids go through school, hubby will interfere and say no to kids doing extracurriculars, just to be a jerk.  I saw another post where a guy said his spouse said no to his daughter going to her ballet recital or whatever it was.  That's just awful.

If it is important or an issue in your family, include religious education and activities.

My ex is Jewish, and I am Christian.  We had all the important Jewish and Christian holidays specifically listed to take priority over regular visitation.

Most agreements are written with a certain amount of leeway to allow for unexpected events.  However, with highly conflictual people it is usually best to minimize the vagueness of standard boiler plate such as "reasonable" telephone contact or "mutually agreed" exchange locations or else the other spouse will be prone to continually 're-nterpret' the order to favor self.

The most stable and reasonable parent needs to be the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  That goes without need of explanation.  Of course, if one parent has majority time, then the court will want to default to that parent.  (In my case I settled for Shared Parenting with equal time but my condition was that I would be RP.  Both lawyers scoffed at that, saying it didn't matter.  I made arrangements for son to not change to my school district until the school year ended.  Well, within weeks there were problems at mother's school and less than two months into the order - and a mere month from the end of the school year - her school told me there had been another scene with mother and I had one day to transfer my kindergartner to my school.  One day.  My lawyer stopped scoffing when that happened.)

Also, if in the USA then be sure to specify who gets to deduct the children and in which years.  The IRS has a form 8332, make sure your lawyer doesn't overlook that if it applies.  If lawyer says this is just the temp order, your response is that high conflict and obstructive people makes these sorts of cases go on for a year or two, sometimes even longer.  (Besides, temp orders often morph into permanent ones since courts are reluctant to change what has been 'working'.)

Also, who will be making decisions?  Is it to be jointly?  What will be in place when you two don't agree on major issues?  Who will be the final decision maker or tie-breaker?  You?  Your spouse?  A mediator?  A parenting coordinator?  A magistrate or judge?  Here's are some previous posts, you can follow the links back to read more if you wish.

If your H says no to extracurriculars, the judge won't like that. The ballet recital issue was not about extracurriculars exactly, it was about doing activities that overlap during the other parents time -- that's actually something that seems to go the other way more often on these boards. For example, your H might schedule a bunch of stuff for your kids during your time. AnotherPhoenix experienced that a while back when his ex schedule summer camp in a way that overlapped with AP's time with his son. My ex wanted to arrange music lessons for S11 that I paid for, during times afterschool that N/BPDx arranged. It was so weird my L said, "Let him give the judge a good laugh."

That's difficult to nail down in an interim custody order. But it's exactly the kind of issue that wastes everyone's time and money, having to go to court because we have disordered ex's who can't see the big picture of ballet recitals.

I can't remember if I wrote this to you or someone else -- apologies! But it was the "decision-making" aspect that my ex and I could never agree to. We were able to settle everything else except decision-making. It seems to be fairly common with abusive men that they fight harder for the joint legal custody because they want the control more than they want the physical custody. N/BPDx rolled right over when it came to physical custody. But legal custody, he won't budge an inch because it's a way to keep some semblance of control.

Just wanted to say a big thanks livednlearned,

I'm getting to the stage of needing this and this will be an excellent starting point to save me worrying about compiling info from scratch... .  

|iiii

Whichwayisup

Glad it was useful!

LnL

yes, it's very much about control with my husband. i can understand that it's a way of staying involved with the kids even if he doesn't see them enough, though. 

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions... .   and it didn't cost me $350 an hour!

My lawyer didn't include anything about how to resolve differences, and I put that in.  That's important.