BPDFamily.com

I have a perspective on something that relates to BPD even though it comes from my relationship with my normal ex wife. I just want to share in case it resonates with anyone.

You know how many pwBPDs go away when they cause us pain. I caused my normal wife ( now ex wife ) pain. While I now see my rs with my BPDgf to be a case of misguided and misplaced compassion, my wife saw it as a simple and disgusting emotional affair and betrayal of the first order. And try as we could to get back together after I left my BPDgf, everything that I did just seemed to cause her more pain. And I am terrified now at causing her more pain. I watched her writhe on the floor, sob in pools of begging tears, shake with uncontrollable fear and pain when I was involved with my BPDgf. Now I almost get catatonic when she exhibits so much pain. So I won't even try to reconcile. I might fail and then again, I will be the cause of more pain on this woman who was so good to me for 25 years. We really could work things out, I think. And I know she loves me so much. Too much. But I can't guarantee that I won't do something that will hurt her. So I keep my distance.

In this context, I'm starting to think that my thoughts are similar to the thoughts of a pwBPD. Many posts here have said that their SO with BPD doesn't want to hurt them.

In my rs with my BPDex ( with whom I'm trying to be friends now) I did not not express alot of pain. I felt it but did not express it. I have expressed anger. Not often... .   but enough that would have driven her away if anger had that effect, It doesn't seem to though.

I'm going to offer this to the group here. If it is contrary to good advice from the professionals, then please ignore what I say.

Expressing the pain that you feel when your pwBPD hurts you will put distance between you. Unless they have painted you black and are intentially trying to hurt you, I think that they don't want to cause pain. And - like me with my normal exwife - they will sadly just say goodbye... .   for awhile or forever.

I'm not suggesting that we hold in pain and not express it. What I am saying is that techniques like radical acceptance might reduce the pain we feel... .   and express. And that by itself may help a rs with a pwBPD.

just some thoughts.

waitaminute... .  

I must agree with with what you are saying... .   I have found out no matter no matter how hard I try, expressing my pain does not get through to my uBPDw.

I have tried and tried for years, I am now realizing how much I try i just cause myself more pain.   Now that I think about it, currently my only goal is expressing my pain.   Now these are on big issues... .   DV and she said I would not have married you if I new how you looked naked.     I have wrap myself so far around these issues I am ignoring to many other this.

My husband tells me he wants to divorce me almost every single day. When I ask him why, he says because it would stop him from hurting me. So he sees it as a good idea. I have tried to express my pain to my husband and you are very right, it seems to make him push me away. I wrote out a very long and emotional letter to him begging him to give me some answers on how he feels about me. I expressed a lot of pain and heartache in it. He said he felt like it was a goodbye letter and it sounded like I wanted to leave him.

My husband is one of the ones that actually apologises every time he hurts me. But it gets old getting the same apology, sometimes I need to tell him how I feel. And the biggest mind game of it all, he tells me constantly that I don't tell him how I feel. When I open up to him, he gets very upset because most of what I feel that I need to get out is pain. He doesn't want to hear about my pain. It hurts even more to share it and then have it backfire onto you because he can't handle it. It's exausting, he says he wants to know my feelings, but it always ends in me being hurt just a little bit more.

If I had to address an issue that is causing me pain, I would stick to:

These things are not good for a relationship.

1. When this happens

2. When that happens

Etc

I know it seems to dance around "who" is doing these things and maybe still causes some feeling of being blamed. But I think that puts less pressure on the pwBPD to leave.