BPDFamily.com

I am seeking help.

Here is my current situation: Right now I am distressed because I caused this person distress by punching holes in her very complicated and tangled story about things that happened to her.

I sometimes do this, partly because she blames me because I don't immediately believe what she says. But lots of times it is not consistent what she says. And partly because I sometimes wish she would realize she was ill and get help.  Like--if I somehow point out that this is not all making sense, she would do what she has done a time or two and realize maybe it doesn't make sense and she would see the need for a more serious kind of help.

Anyway, I sent her off on a spiral and I did something worse because I made my husband answer her phone call late at night. Because I can't handle it right now.

I think I have never been so aware of how badly I activate her. I should never never do this. Why do I do this?

I get frustrated and emotional but I feel very guilty.

She is abusive and I am scared of her. That's another dimension to the problem. So I bring down her wrath upon myself.

It also bothers me how she cannot see that I am a person with feelings and am not different from her in any basic way.

But I really screwed up. I think I hadn't realized how much of a mistake it is to be honest with this kind of person. Or to show them inconsistencies and problems in their world view. Then I googled, and saw that even the therapist is not supposed to do this. But it's hard because I get accused of being the cause of her problems because I didn't see things a certain way.  And also, I personally want to keep track of reality--but I should not do that in conversation with her.

She is really upset now.  This time it is my fault. Sometimes I get accused of everything being my fault. And I feel constantly guilty. But this night really was a screw up on my part.

So this is my life in a nutshell. I should probably tell more about myself and what's going on here but I'm not ready to do that. Can I do that later?

I never stop thinking about this person, being afraid for them and feeling bad about their situation. It is a 24/7 thing.

However, I am just starting to seek support and get some books so I can learn to deal with them in a better way.

Here's a question:  If the borderline has had delusions in the past, do you ever point out the delusions?

It can just get difficult because they will want you to confirm the problems they are having with people--and become enraged if you are not fully on board. It is hard to get on board because their rage toward those people is bad for them and scary--so of course you want to help with perspective. But if you remember past periods of delusions then they have a total meltdown.

Obviously, I have a lot to learn. I caused this meltdown by pointing out past problems with a full grasp on reality. But because of the tangled web, it feels like the truth with cut through all the confusion. It can't, though.

Still--what should one do? Always confirm their beliefs? Be non-commital?

It can get very confusing. Also, I have my own emotions that get activated. I try to stay calm but do not succeed.

One more question: After the borderline has made you their target over a number of years, what do you do about your anger and resentment? Especially when dealing with them on a regular basis?

 *welcome*  boppy

I am glad you have found us and we are here to help you.  Learning about this disorder is a good starting point. 

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder? (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-what-is-borderline-personality.html)

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD  (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-tools-to-reduce-conflict-with.html)

What is the relationship between you and this person?  Family? Friend?  No pressure to tell more until you are ready, but it helps us to know which resources to point you towards.

Please keep posting. . .it does help.

catnap

Hello boppy,

Glad that you are here looking for ways to better communicate w/ a person suffering from BPD.

You ask some very good questions regarding helpful communication that also balances your needs in the relationship.

Here is a great resource that teaches about validation, boundaries and asking validating questions.  It's an easy read and will definitely answer the "how?" and help balance your relationship.

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128027.0)

lbjnltx

This is a family member. I made a terrible mistake. Now I have to talk to them today and make them feel better.

The problem is that they activate me, all on their own. Just SO many years of this. And then I activate them. Back and forth, back and forth.

And I am angry with them for things they have said in the past. I shouldn't be. I know very well how sad the situation is. I think the anger comes because (a) they are trying to generate it and are very good at that and (b) because I cannot face how sad it is.

It is the most tragic thing ever. I feel like the sadness of it will destroy me.

That book looks good by the way.

When I look inside, I feel anger that I have to validate and be kind.

So obviously, that's my lack of maturity talking. I obviously have some resentment. I have some things to work through before I can really be better at engaging.

Like last time this person was accusing me in various ways of somehow being responsible for their problems. I feel SO guilty about how much they are suffering generally.  Then they gave me all these passive/aggressive messages on my cell phone whenever I did not answer my phone that somehow blamed me for how they were feeling.

So, because I am extremely fatigued at the moment and they call me in the middle of the night I basically went and pointed out inconsistencies in what they were saying, reminding them of times they were believing things falsely, etc.  That is a way to activate them tremendously.

What an idiot. But I was also very stirred up for various reasons that day as well.  Extremely stressed.

I am tired of being blamed, tired of not being seen as a person with feelings, tired of feeling guilty all the time, tired of being afraid for them, tired of the anticipation of what's going to happen next--what drinking binge, etc. Tired of having to deal with all their rage. Resentful of their rage--they raged at me at times when I was vulnerable. And in their mind this is their 'crisis period' whereas the crisis periods come so regularly that I realize it will never end. But they cannot keep track of the past so in their mind and I remember the past so we talk across one another.

I need to overcome my resentment and always be compassionate. I've known that for a REALLY long time.

It's just SOO HARD. But I have to figure this out.

Another question is how to stop it from TORTURING ME all the time that the person is in this unstable state. It is this constant, constant source of anxiety for me.

Sorry for all the messages.  Can't figure out how to edit my posts.

The other issue that I have is that miraculously, this person occasionally sees they are borderline. Once there was a remarkable moment of lucidity.

That is also what is causing the terrible temptation to challenge them. I desperately want them to get treatment--DBT or something effective. I delude myself into thinking if I point out the delusional elements of their behavior this will get them to see it again--I am trying to get them to see that they are ill so they will get help.

I need to give up on that idea somehow. It is hard to see someone in distress, they blame you for your distress, you know there is REAL help and then not try to steer them toward it (stupidly).

It is also hard to try to help someone and not have them remember any of the ways you helped them. But I know borderlines don't remember the past clearly.

This person is the one who showed me what it is they had--This person figured it out themselves and then told me what it was. I then read a lot about it and realized this is what they had.

Then they really totally woke up about it this one amazing day where they saw that many of the external things in their life were not the cause of the problem and maybe the problem was within them.  I went and found a therapy. And then they would not go to that therapy but slipped back into their cycle again.

So that is another horrible temptation I have to withstand. I can't get mad, I can't punch holes in how they construct things, and I can't try to get them to see they are ill.

I do all these things and feel very guilty. But I got the book on Amazon about not making it all better!

So thank you.

Hi boppy,

*welcome* I hear your anxiety. It sounds like things are very stressful for you right now, but we here know that  dealing with a person with BPD can be very tiring. You are not alone. For starters, breathe. Breathe in deeply through your nose and out through your mouth. Count 5 red things around you. You're working on yourself. It doesn't have to change overnight, but you're getting there. Yay you for buying the book lbjnltx, suggested!

I know it's tough when you really want to be a kind, validating, loving person but you feel tired of doing so. Let's look at this. First, I'm guessing you are feeling burnt out. This workshop talks about feeling stuck in the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) where we often do things we don't want to do.Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG” (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

Then, you mention that you really want to try but then mess up. It happens. We're human. The cool thing is that here, there are lots of tools to help you. Some of the best ones are these: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0)

You mention your family member is abusive. Do you want to talk about this? Take good care, boppy. Keep posting. We're here for you and care very much.

Hi boppy, I am new here too and I think I know how you feel. Except, I had previously accepted there was something very wrong with my mother and for many years was somewhat able to deal with her with some compassion and understanding. Due to recent stressful events, all I seem to feel now is anger - anger that I should validate but get no validation in return, anger that she won't see that she ever did anything wrong, anger that it's more important to her to be right than to have a relationship with me, anger that she won't even entertain the idea that her perceptions and reactions to things are NOT NORMAL. I don't know where to go with this. I can't seem to move on and I'm not interested in having a relationship with her where I just suck it up every time she violates a boundary or pushes my buttons. It works great for her but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I need her to acknowledge the devastation she wrought upon my life, but she won't and/or can't. I want her to get help. I want her to become somebody else. I know that won't happen... .   so where to go with that?

Cleotokos

I'm really sorry about your mother. I am so sorry. I have issues with my mother but she doesn't have BPD. So I went to therapy and I guess the one thing I got out of it was being able to let go of some of my negative feelings about things that happened with my mother. (She is an alcoholic among other things so I still haven't got to the point where I don't feel responsible for saving her.)

If she had BPD I don't know what I'd do because BPD is the most damaging type of illness for relationships. It is so hard to have a relationship with someone with this thing.

Right now, I'm just reading the books 'you don't have to make it all better' and the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells.' I may work a bit with DBT myself. I will try to work on myself.

I'm not sure what to do. It's a long road. I guess the thing we may all have to do is get help for ourselves, learn about the condition and see whether we can manage to keep the ties with these people and not do too much damage to ourselves.

I am really thinking about you because I know the pain this condition can cause.

Hi boppy,

I don't know how but I missed your response until now. Thanks for thinking of me, a lot of my anger has subsided, thankfully. The only constant in life is change, right?

I wanted to tell you not to be so hard on yourself. It is very difficult to deal with somebody with this condition, and the emotions that you feel about them are perfectly ok. Please don't feel guilty for your reactions - be they right or wrong, they are a natural response. You must forgive yourself if you make a wrong step with this person, and just try to do better next time. Nobody is perfect.

I am really in mourning today.

I realize that my family used to be close. I thought we always would be--but with the one family member's BPD (and alcoholism) and the other's alcoholism and the other's rageaholism---so much bad blood and bad experiences have driven a wedge between all of us.

It is so sad that I can't be connected to my siblings anymore. I feel no connection. It just feels like at this point, there is so much pain. 

We are going to dissolve. I've known this for a while but I was just like 'who cares--screw them.'   

I want to escape the person with BPD. I just can't handle it. It is terrible. But there is nothing good there. But it's all basically sort of wrecked, horribly wrecked.

boppy, we all have our up days and down days 

If you need to go LC or NC for a while, so be it. You can't keep sacrificing yourself for another if it is really this draining and damaging to you. Remember to have compassion for yourself.

Hey boppy,

It's tough to face that our families aren't what we want them to be. It's okay to mourn. It's part of the process. I know that doesn't make it any easier though.   Your feelings are real and matter. One thing that might be of help is the Survivor's Guide in the side panel. It really helps you to honor your feelings, understand where you're at, and recognize that this is all part of healing.

It's going to be okay, dear one. Today hurts, but tomorrow that hurt will be a bit less, and the next day a bit less. How are you doing at taking care of yourself right now? Take it one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.

Now I feel terrible about that post.

I really really really love these people. I have detached from them and I am angry with them for the anxiety they've caused me.

But there is a lot of good there. That's why it is so sad. Emotionally, I have withdrawn because it is very painful to love people and not be able to help them. And their issues affect my life. I want control over my life.

I feel terrible for the person with BPD. I cannot even think about how tragic this situation is. It's all just so wrong. Sometimes I get caught up in anger and self pity because I want to defend myself emotionally.

This illness plus addiction alcoholism plus the other stuff is a total relationship wrecher.

Boppy,

you sound like a very compassionate individual. It's good to feel empathy for other people like you do. I hear your confusion. The good times are wonderful, and yet the bad times hurt deeply. We feel pity and love for the pwBPD while feeling angry for the hurts they caused us. Please know that the feelings you feel are okay. Anger, pity, love, anxiety, they're all very real. These feelings aren't bad or good, they just are, and feeling them is important to healing. Each human on this good earth has positive and negative experiences with their families. Integration and acceptance that both good and bad can coexist is a huge step. You're very brave to face this.


When this happens, do you blow up at family members? What usually happens when you get in an argument?

It is normal to want control over your life, and it is good to express the anger in a healthy way. One good way to help re-establish control is to set appropriate boundaries. This link talks about it more:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)