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I was reading a post from someone regarding her situation and story. She mentioned in her post that her relationship lacked any emotional connection or intimacy. As I read that it hit me like a tone of bricks. That was it, that was exactly it! My relationship with my ex lacked ANY form of emotional connection or intamacy. Sure we said "I love you's" all the time and sure we had great crazy sex but you know what? We never spoke about our "love" or discussed our relationship in person, not even when we lived together. It was almost always discussed via text while I was at work or through the odd email. Long almost poetic like texts regarding our amazing "love" and connection in texts but never ever in person.

Nor was our emotional connection displayed through physical contact or gestures. Everyday I came home from work she would immediately give me a hug when I walked in the door. However I remember always feeling like the hug was very superficial, almost like there was something missing. But other than that and sex there was no loving gestures like holding one another, holding hands... .   even a simple kiss!

I sarted reflecting on my previous healthy relationships that I've had and how they compared in that regard... .   night and day. I can remember all sorts of funny little quirks me and my different ex's would develop. Weather it be silly gestures of love, a certain way of hugging/holding one another, names or talking to one another a silly way. You know... .   that sort of stuff. More importantly, all the conversations we would always have about or relationship and or our love for one another would be... .   IN PERSON! Also, in all my previous relationships we were always very good friends. Best friends in a lot of cases. My ex would always say "your my best friend" but we were never really friends? We never had deep conversations about things like our futures, encouragement in my career or hobbies... .   none of that. How could we be best friends? My co workers new more about my interests and goals than she did lol! None of this existed in my relationship with my recent uBPDexgf and I couldn't believe how I was just making this realization now. My relationship with her lacked ANY form of emotional depth what-so-ever.  

So, how could we have possibly "loved" one another SO much? Did I even love her? I'm starting to think not. Did I NEED her? I'm starting to think yes... .  

I needed her idealization, I needed to be seen in public with this knock out blonde barbie on my arms. I needed to be fed this attention by this gorgeous woman to make me feel worthy and wanted. Am I shallow? Maybe a little but I'm not sure that's exactly it. Why I think I needed all that is becuase of my incredible low self esteem. The attention/idealization and "love" that I was getting from this woman made me for the first time in my life feel REALLY good about myself.  It made me feel validated. How sad is that? I felt better and more validated being in a relationship that was very emotionally shallow with a stunning woman than being in a relationship that WAS emotionally fulfilling with an attractive woman. Not only that but all of that made me completely blind to the fact that the relationship itself was so shallow. You know, I can vividly remember always having this uneasy gut feeling that something wasn't right during most if not all of the relationship. I was just so blinded by her looks, charm, idealization and probably very covert manipulation.

Last but not least here's the kicker and an clear indication of just how powerful these women/men are. Given everything that I've just explained, when my previous relationships ended yea, they were difficult for sure. But nothing... .   and I mean NOTHING like the one I just went through. Even though it essentially lacked any form of emotional connection (the essential part of a romantic relationship) the break up hurt FAR more than any of my previous longer healthy relationships. And just like my ex... .   that is crazy!

Dave it seems from the insight of your recent posts you are having more than one  :light: moment!

I'm so pleased for you  |iiii  I can associate with a great deal of your thread post... .  

Healing is a process and it happens in fits and starts... .   with trips along the way.  Your progress should be an inspiration to newbies who are on the same journey... .  

Thankyou for sharing your thoughts, it's great to know you are in a better place... .  

Dave, I could have written your post, literally, word-for-word; even including the "knock out blonde" part!  Right around the same time I had similar realizations as those you're describing, I read up on "trauma bonding" & "intermittent reinforcement".  Both of these concepts really hit home for me with regards to my relationship.  Also around the same time, I said to my T in session, "I feel like I was madly in love with this woman, but I can't really even say what i like about her, as a person".  I felt bad for saying that, but my therapist encouraged me to run with it.   

I wish I could say that, for me, having these realizations worked like a light switch and my feelings got turned off.  It didn't work that way.  As Newton  said, this is a process and I've experienced some good days and some not as good, even since these realizations.  But since I'm a very logical person, the more ways I have to rationalize that what I had wasn't true, mature, intimate love, the better I am able to detach and move on.  It sounds like you might work in a similar way, so I'm sure these realizations will help you too!  |iiii

sunrising



 

My T explained something to me that I kind of knew but didn't at the same time (if that makes sense... .   ) he told me that my stbxh is not capable of the sincere and genuine emotional interaction required of an intimate relationship.

Right.

So why did I stick around for 18 years?

This article helps explain some of that... .   Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a117.htm)

We have our own issues... . that actually seem to make other people's issues... . make them more attractive to us.

If we feel unworthy of love, someone that is not very loving may seem far more alluring to us than someone normal, then we go for the aloof unloving person and are stuck playing out the same dysfunctional behaviors we grew up with.

Freud called it the "repetition compulsion"... . a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again.

Personally I found that the more chemistry I have with a woman, the more issues we will have. Read "Reinventing your Life"... . which is on schema therapy and overcoming your issues (called Lifetraps in the book)... . and they give the simple sounding advice... . avoid the people you have high electric like chemistry with, instead seek out someone you like with mild chemistry and stick with the relationship long enough to develop genuine love.

Great thread. All these posts are awesome. If I can also add the book "Healing the Child Within" which also talks about the repetition compulsion. Really awesome book.

Yes Dave, I do believe you are on to something here.  My story is exactly like yours.  EXACTLY  ( I just love your  :light: moments btw)

My relationship with my ex was similar to that of my relationship with my mom.  Never being good enough. She loved me one day and didnt the next.  I received little to no emotional support.  Raging.  The codependency of my dad.  I felt right at home. 

I always had a sick feeling in my gut that something wasnt right, but I could never put my finger on it.  It was all roses and hearts during emails and skype, but when I was there with him, I felt like a hooker and that I was not wanted.  Imagine that.

Fortunately for me, I have had relationships where I was shown love and respect.  My relationship with my ex husband who I left for my ex bf is 100 times better than with the man who was suppose to love me, and you wont believe the roller coaster ride me and my ex husband were on.  I'm happy being single.  It therapeutic even.

Thanks everyone. I really am starting to feel a lot better. Don't get me wrong I'm still hurting and I still think about her the majority of the day but its different now. It doesn't paralyze me with pain like it used to and I'm able to look at things in a different light.


Man, that is spot on... .   SPOT ON! I said the EXACT same thing during one session with my T too! In complete honesty other than her looks I couldn't pick a feature or a trait of her that I liked or found admirable. Yet I was so "in love" with her. She was the love of my life, like nothing I had ever felt before. It's just bizarre. The power they have/had over us is simply unbelievable.

Dave, it's very good to read about your progress. You can tell you made significant process.

The reason why you don't know why you liked her btw is purely because of her mirroring and projection. She has no character. You had nothing in common.

I can atleast tell from my other exes what we "shared"

Thanks Harm, this is a good point. I guess we didn't really have anything in common after all. At first I thought I had hit the jackpot finding a girl that lived a lifestyle almost identical to mine! It wasn't until after it all ended and I found out about this disorder that I realized it was just mirroring. However the nail in the coffin was when I spoke to 3 of her ex's finding out how they all shared the same lifestyle as her too. Only thing is all 3 guys are polar opposites in every way! Go figure.