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Has anyone else had this happen to them? They say it's the usual course of things, but my situation followed it to a T and I wonder if anyone else has dealt with this? I felt as if the trust would get weaker and weaker over time because of him misconstruing almost everytihng I said and taking my normal amount of cautiousness as rejection. So he started talking to other people behind my back and grow distant rather than break up with me. That was the worst. I wish he just broke up with me but instead he kept me around even though he resented me for all this stuff, which only created more pain for both of us. So instead of a hard break up, he did this "let's just be friends" crap a couple times. But then he would come back around, but never say we were officially back on again even if he acted like it. Then when he wanted to pull away again, he would say "I told you we were just friends." It was so infuriating. I know why he behaves like that, but still. He should just have the balls to break up with someone and not string them along like that, and come back to them when he feels like it. So now we have weeks that have gone by with very little contact and it irks me that he must think it's ok to leave things like this and when he feels like it, he may come back around. I just want it to end already. I guess I could end it, but I don't want to be blamed for being the one to end it when I still want to try. Hmph. They say BPDs are all about black and white, yet they LOVE living in this grey zone with all their love interests. It's infuriating and it's not fair. I'm pretty much emotionally detached with him. He's given me so little over the last several months that there's nothing to keep me connected anymore. So I'm ok with it ending now if it should. But who knows what he will do.

Anyway, has anyone else experienced this gradual pulling away until there's nothing left, but no official breakup?

Push/pull is common.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? They say it's the usual course of things, but my situation followed it to a T and I wonder if anyone else has dealt with this?


The trust on both sides subsides. He has learnt not to trust and what was established in the beginning, all those lovely words of adoration begin to not match up with the actions/behaviors - you learn not to trust.


When I first left my ex I thought the same – “why didn’t you just tell me you weren’t happy”!

In hindsight, on the other side of grief I see it all very clearly now. I had the power to leave the relationship too! And I didn’t.

We created pain for each other – neither of us spoke up about our struggles with each other.  In the beginning of any relationship, there is love and light and you can do no wrong – as the relationship continues we need to keep our eyes open to see whether their words equal the actions.

Words (used on their own without action) are cheap in any relationship.


We need to dig deep to find that reason why we waited for them to determine our fate, the relationships fate. We place the power in everyone else’s hands but ours.

I did this too in all relationships – not any longer – my eyes are open.


Yes he does have the right Ally! He can do whatever he pleases. Its up to you to act if it doesn’t fit with your own moral code.


Good point!

To my knowledge what you described is generally how a BPD relationship evolves.  They don't want to let you go because they may Need something out of you.  They want to push you away enough so that they can toy around with and have sex with others.  They are Never comfortable with how close/far away their current partner is in their relationship.  They don't know how to end the relationship really because they already feel abandoned, which is my hypothesis.  They have many reasons to keep us around, to use us to make other partners jealous or as a safety net to fall back on when their current relationship is not giving them everything they want.  Ultimately they want several people of the opposite sex/possibly same sex all catering to their wishes, that is what makes them feel the best, and they will stop at nothing to achieve that goal.  

 |iiii the definition of selfishness   

one thing i know is that i'm not built like that--i could never win with these games... .   ghasp! i CARE, i MEAN what i say, i feel BAD when i don't follow through on my word. i may have to same urges as anyone, BPD or not, but i feel more of a responsibility for my actions and how this could hurt others. um, i think i'm more normal?

normal, that's what will get you in trouble with someone who doesn't care, mean anything they say for longer than a few minutes, feel bad at all no matter how they hurt you, can turn off/on love/passion/hate/need/indifference like a light bulb. i know i'll never win playing a game with that, and i wouldn't want to win that game either