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I wanted to pass along some thoughts and lessons learned.

First, it has been 5.5 months of NC. Her choice. I have learned that there are things I can do that helps me understand why my wife has done this a third, and for me, final time.

One of the biggest issues in the marriage for her that I heard all the time was she wanted me to do self help work. Just like the article on this website, I had engaged in every self help thing possible. I read more books on relationships. Parenting, etc... . I joined Al-Anon because she was adamant I should do a 12 step program. She also insisted I should join a DBT goup. Take an anger management class as well.

To say I was the most well equipped relational NON BPD person you could possibly know would be spot on.

I did all these things to be the best husband I could possibly be in my marriage.

So how after all her diatribe about personal growth does a healthy person, such as what my wife claims about herself, decides to go to NC and physically up and leave me with her 3 kids a third time?

There is where all the logic in my head and every wire and synapse cross fires and I go down this empty, dark, scary road of... . It must be all my fault. How can she just leave like this? I must be doing something terribly wrong... . and if I just try harder!

Well, that thought of... .   if I just try harder, when that little voice starts saying that in my head, that is when I back the truck up and realize, I could not have tried ANY harder.

Why?

Because it is not about me.

I have to let myself off the hook and know that I tried the best I could. Normal relationships do not work this way. Healthy people do not put all types of demands on their spouse the way my wife did. Then put all sorts of caveats out there in order for her to stay engaged in the marriage. That is just not possible to do and have a successful marriage. I am living proof that a list of "you must do this or I will leave" is not the way a marriage works.

I will be the first person to say this, if there is a serious problem in a marriage, yes, putting up a boundary and expecting that to be respected, that is healthy. When a spouse continually crosses that boundary, it may be time to do some serious work, say in therapy, or do some serious soul searching, and that person may want to leave the relationship.

What happens when a person has borderline traits, or is even full blown, over the top, can't function, BPD... .   it all makes no sense to a sane, not a co-dependent, relation-ally healthy person. Like I have come to realize about myself.

So, there is MY first issue. I was co-dependent. Not even knowing this until I was in the thick of it. I suppose I have always been co-dependent. I know I will not be co-dependent again. But that was the hook that kept me involved. I kept treating this marriage like I was not worthy, and if I could just prove to my wife I was, we would be okay!

What?

Well, during this time, that was exactly what I thought and that is exactly why I voluntarily went to Al-Anon, DBT, Therapy, took anger management classes... .   the whole gamut.

And here is the real trick, the eye opener, the realization. I can do ALL this work ALL day long, 24/7 - 365. BUT... .   If my wife chooses to not accept me as I am, accept what I do and bring to the marriage, it all falls on deaf ears. Doing all this work was beyond helpful. Yes I grew a tremendous amount. So why didn't it work out?

That is easy to see 5.5 months out. It was never just about the work. It was never just about me. It was always about her. No matter what I brought to the table, it mattered little if she could not accept herself as she was. Would it have helped for her to do the work I was doing? For sure! But she didn't do this work. She kept telling me, "I am healthy because I have done all this work"! "The problem is, you have not!" "And until you do, this relationship will not work"!

Okay, so, if she did indeed do all this work, relation-ally speaking, how would a woman walk away from a man who does do all this work, takes care of her kids, cooks, cleans, babysits, pays the bills, walks the dog, drives the kids to school, makes really good money, professes his unconditional love, buys her anything she wants/needs, holds open car doors after 5 years, goes grocery shopping for her, even though she works a 4 hour day, and I worked 9 hours and I can stop on the way home because she forgot, will clean out the chicken coop every weekend, tend the garden, chop down tree's for fire wood... . Oh my... . this guy must be a real piece of $hit!

Yes, so that is my story... . And that is why I know, BPD is real... .

And the pain we feel after the break is horrible.

But there is good that comes from all this... .   There were all sorts of relation tools I knew nothing about. I was never this close and intimate, for a period of time, and that experience taught me something.

I am a good guy. I know that I am capable of thinking of someone other than myself. I have the capacity to grow. I also have the capacity to heal.

And that is what I am doing now... .  

I think you might be half right. In the relationship, most things were about her. I mean say I smashed your thumb with a hammer and while your screaming and grabbing your thumb, I ask you if you have something for my headache. What do you think you might say? At that point in your pain, you simply cannot think outside of yourself. We're built that way.

BPD is built that way too. It has a very hard time thinking outside of itself. It is wrapped up in it's own terrible pain.

The part about you is now. To learn from your exposure to profound mental illness, what part you played and how to heal and move forward. You have experienced a level of emotional trama and what you do now will have an impact upon the rest of your life.

Co dependency is a misallignment of needs. It does not turn off like a light switch and normally takes some honest therapy to reallign.

I know because I needed it.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Thanks for the reply... .   It has gotten better. I lot better.

There were days I didn't want to even get out of bed.

Now, I see what my part was. What I could have done. What I owned. What I can change, which is always changing me. Not anything about her was in my control to change. I got that much out of Al-Anon a long time ago.

Thanks for the encouragement... .

Are you secretly superman? How did you have time or energy To complete all this, I'm exhausted just reading it.

You are a man doing three mans worth of work. You are definetly not a bad guy.

She's not a princess either, time to knock her off her pedestal, try the opposite approach from now on, be the bad guy and tell her to do it herself of the rare opportunity should present itself

I'm sorry you're hurting, you deserve better, you do not need any more work except solidifying your boundaries and principles as well as values.

Value yourself and realize your worth and you will shatter the mirror of the wicked witch.

Good luck and heal friend.

Thanks afterdeath... .

That's funny, Superman... . Made me chortle!

I am healing. I have no choice. There was a time in the not too distant past, I was still hoping... . you know?

But I am a logical person... . I know I have lost a tremendous amount of my core as a person because of her.

I completely took my eye of the ball with my 3 kids as well. The first time she left, I was willing to do anything to get back with her. And I did. I actually let me house go into foreclosure in order to get money to rent a house for "us" and to move her out of her apartment and break her lease 4 months after she walked out. I spent thousands just to be with her again.

That lasted 9 months and she kicked me out of the rented house and I went back to my house that is in foreclosure. Now, the foreclosure is here, and I am moving next month.

I built my house and lived here 10 years with my kids and a day doesn't go by that I am not kicking myself in the @ss asking myself, what the hell was I thinking! Why did I ever follow this woman?

What is really good on many levels, her staying completely NC with me. Like I said, in the not too distant past, if she called or texted me, there is a good chance I would have jumped back on the roller coaster.

So, in many ways, I am thankful for her disappearing. Did I mention, back in February, she up and moved out of our rental. She broke the lease and I have not got a clue where she moved to! Crazy stuff... .  

These relationships are toxic that poison us. We were all led down the rabbit hole only to stumble in to hell when we were promised heaven.

Only thing we have left to do is one step at a time, get out of hell back to reality.

I'm sorry she took so much from you.

I wish none of us had to experience this. I still hope for mine back too some days, we are only human.

You'll get your life back, as long as you take control of your life back