BPDFamily.com

Just wondering how many of you had (or have) family and friends tell you that your child is normal and just going through a rough time, or is at a rough age, etc.?  I am so sick and tired of hearing "that's what 13 y/o's do", "its probably just her hormones" or "it has nothing to do with being adopted because she knows you love her"!  We have two older biological sons who have done very well (now in their 20's) and I know we would have sought help for her sooner had we realized this stuff is not happening just because she is a girl or because she was entering adolescence or whatever!  I want so badly to say, no, I don't care what her age is or that she is girl - it is NOT normal to be thinking of suicide, cutting yourself, purging your food, starving yourself... .  

Ah, BioAdoptMom3,

So, so frustrating, isn't it, when someone is telling you your child's behavior is normal, when you KNOW it isn't... .    

I think a lot of people are actually saying it because they want to believe that everything is ok, and they want to encourage you, and calm you down. Little do they know how invalidating and infuriating it actually is!   

Hang in there. You know, what you know. You know it when you see it.

Bio

I agree with pessim... .   I don't think people know what to say... .   so they think by telling this is all normal it is to help calm you and comfort you in some way. Try to look at it that way... .   don't give it another thought. I am sure our kids do have some pretty normal behaviors that all teens have like being defiant, lying, SI and stealing etc... .   but our kids take it up a notch... .   it can not be mistaken.

I have told a few friends of my troubles and they usually respond with shock and then "I don't know what to say" "is there anything I can do" and yes some try to comfort me by telling me these are hard times for teens but you and I both know it is more than that.  

I think my parents heard this a lot about my brother as he was growing up.

Daily extreme temper tantrums until he was about 6? "Oh, that's normal toddler/boy behavior".

Extreme sensitivity, defiance, anger, over-reactions? "Some kids are like that." "He's just a 'difficult/wild/spirited' child."

Any issues he had after he turned 13? "Just teenager behavior."

I think all of this was (is) very detrimental; my parents struggled immensely with trying to "deal with" their "difficult child" that people kept assuring them was "just a phase", rather than focusing on bigger issues or looking into mental health issues more as he got older. Very frustrating when people don't understand.

Hi Bio

I can handle family and friends like that - its the professionals supposed to help us that I've had more trouble with.

My most frustrating experience was with a duty psychiatrist in the accident & emergency dept of our local hospital. After 48 hours of scarily suicidal behaviour we acted on my 15yo dd's regular psychiatrist's advice and took her in (actually the police and paramedics took her in - again as advised by her psych). The duty psych told us we were 'over anxious parents and should all go home and have some fun' Ironically it had the affect of shaking my daughter out of her state because it was such a ludicrous response to the situation that all three of us burst out laughing.

And we're still effectively on our own dealing with her issues because although she talks and behaves suicidally, she hasn't actually attempted to kill herself yet. So that's ok and means she's just a normal teenager right?

So yes, I share your pain Bio 

No one ever sees the real them do they. My daughter can act convincingly well, No one would ever believe she was dying inside. So, no one believed me in the beginning, especially my mum and brothers, after 2 serious years now they do.

Its so invalidating when your family dont believe it, but its just because they dont see it. Thats another reason why its such a lonely experience for us.

It was so validating for me when I read Overcoming BPD and she wrote about this very thing.

Not only do we have to deal with that, we have to deal with therapists who do not validate us.

I mean, Imaging when my daughter was 13 and we were trying to get help, the psychologist told me that the cuts on my daughters arms were superficial. How can that ever be right. A 13 year old self harming, what do they have to do to be listened to.

Sorry going off the subject here a bit :)

We used to get family therapy and the therapist used to say , "Isnt it just normal teenage behaviour " she would say that about quite a few different things. It annoyed me so much.

Then when I tell my mum about some of the things, with hope to get her to understand, my mum would say, "Oh I do that" or "I used to be so impulsive" She does not get it.

BPD is extremes though.

yes... .   so frustrating.

My MIL (who is trained in nursing, medical admin, and spent years in al-anon) told my DH that we should get my SS (then 13) a Dog when he was suicidal and psychotic. A DOG! He was lying on her floor crying at Thanksgiving in the middle of the living room with relatives around? A DOG!

My SIL (who is trained and worked for 10 years as a social worker) was worried when we started SS (then 13) on psychiatric drugs would give my SS the wrong idea, that drugs could help him. ?

Now, they pretend that all is fine since SS15 is stabilized.

They both were saying things like-- oh, he's just like how DH was at that age.    My DH began to get upset with them FINALLY, because he said, I was not this way. What the heck are they saying that for?

it is hard for me because now that SS10 emotional dysreg, bipolar depression and possible psychosis have not gone away with age, they are just as much in denial and blaming BPD Biomom and my MIL subtly suggesting more punishment to keep him in line.  

What is hard too is when I get the brush off from the psychologists that treat the behavior as just drama.

So, no bioadoptmom3, you are not alone... .    

Couldn't agree more. Well-meaning family is bad enough, but the clueless professionals take the cake.

yes, I remember coming out from a meeting with the school psychologist when my son was 16 which we'd asked for because we were so worried about him and being told that we were the problem and given some books on how to manage our anger issues... .   my son was very good at appearing totally fine to others,and blaming us.

This very thing drives me absolutely crazy.  My mom being the worst offender.  If I hear one more time that she will grow out of it, we all feel down sometimes, she is a typical teenager I think I will just explode.  I remember when I took my DD to the hospital to be evaluated the first time. I came home a wreck, I was physically and mentally exhausted and my mother said, "Oh all teenagers a like this".  The only thing I could respond with was, "Oh, that must be why finding a parking spot was so difficult".

It is stupidity like this that keeps me very often from saying anything to anyone. 

Griz

It is such a comfort tonight to be understood by other parents who are going through the same thing!  Thank you all so much my new and very supportive friends!  And yeah, once her counselor did say, "well don't you think some of this is just normal teen behavior?"  That was before she was admitted to a behavioral center for treatment of bulimia! 

Thank you all soo much!

Yes, I had lots of people assuring me we would turn a corner soon. Though, in their defense, I don't think I was ever able to convey to them the full extent of what was going on. And I have to give credit to her high school guidance counselor, who has seen a lot of kids come through and admitted that he had never seen one like her. Once we hit true crisis mode with a suicide attempt, I stopped talking to people who didn't understand.

But then a funny thing happened. One by one, many people I know started to talk about the mental illness in their families or in their own past, and I realized it was a lot more widespread than I had ever dreamed.

I guess they just dont want to believe it. Yes my mum is the worse. Its so invalidating, and I hate not being validated.

I think after a long time, she did believe me, however she still says it. I just try to control myself and take a breath, (mindfulness) haha.

The worse thing that made my blood boil was when the P said that my dd may not have BPD, she judged that on the basis that my dd has been better for 6 months, since pregnant. She has known her since June and seen her once a month if that, for 15 minutes.

She didnt think or care to ask me how it really is. So silly.

I still have family/friends telling me that dd will grow out of it but usually they are the ones who havent seen dd behaviour for themselves, and have only heard the stories.

The ones who have been on the recieving end of dd behaviour know that there is some sort of problem there and they are the ones who are more supportive.

but dd's t has been the worse for invalidation so far.

I really went there with hope but felt totally let down and not unbelieved.

I felt it liiterally came down to my word against dd's word and dd knew this. dd could wrap that t around her little finger.

Once i felt so frustrated and invalidated by her t  that I actually asked her if she really believed i would come there to make stories up about my dd, and what she thought i would get from doing such a thing!  

DD was 15yo at the time and a little too old for me to go all munchausen I think  

Now I look back on it and see that she was totally out of her depth and had probably never encountered anyone like dd before.