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Hi, could someone help me please... . My Xbf had been having therapy for a few months before we seperated and i read on someones post that they can get better with help. I didnt find it helped him treat me any better if anything he got more confident, arrogant and obnoxious and thats when the he seemed to disrespect me even more.  Iv been doing really well with 3months NC and  was begining to stop blaming myself   but now thinking maybe it was me all along... . I dont want to go back obsessing over the things he or i did i hoped i was starting to get past this but here i am again... .  

Hi Lyndsey. I'm so sorry that you're not feeling so good at the moment.

From what I understand it is possible for people with BPD to improve with therapy. But my goodness - from the accounts I've read - it's a long and very difficult road. A few months of therapy - even if it was exactly the right sort of targeted therapy (and that's a big 'if' - is unlikely to make any kind of major difference. People talk about this being a journey that takes much longer than that and which has many pitfalls along the way. The challenges in the process are great - and this means I think that many people drop out because it's just too hard. And some people may never respond to the therapy because they're not receiving the right sort. So it wouldn't be very accurate to think that somehow - because your ex has been in therapy for a few months (and seems to be worse - not better!) - that somehow the failure of the relationship was your fault.

But I really relate to the feeling you have that somehow this must - on some level - be your problem - rather than his. That's how I felt too after a much shorter r/s with someone who had NPD/BPD traits. I was left just so very confused by the whole experience. It was so full of extremes. It didn't make any sense to me. And because of the kind of person I am I often think that if something goes wrong - then I must be responsible for that! This can lead to me desperately looking round for things that back up this view. So yes - it's quite 'normal' I think - to have this horrible, sinking feeling that somehow - if you'd done something differently - it could have all worked out just fine. It's not the reality of the situation though if the person you were dealing with behaved badly towards you in ways that suggest they have major problems with their emotions and with relationships.

Wishing you well. WWT.

Thankyou WWW,

your reply helped me see things a bit clearer on a good day i would be able to make sense of it all. He is still i think... . in therapy although i say i felt he treated me worse while recieving help  he truely believed that was him getting better and thats what scared me more... .   if this WAS the real him. He wasn,t  the person i met and fell in love with that person was so kind considerate and i considered myself very lucky th have him in my life... . now well... . after 3months apart and the same NC im trying to find my oldself... .   she just lost her way for a little while... . Thankyou so much again.

Lyndsey xx

The guy with BPD/NPD traits I was involved with had had years of therapy but had stopped by the time I met him. He considered himself 'cured'. This did not prevent him from doing things that I found it very hard to cope with - and from suffering some quite strange emotional issues and having attitudes and ideas that didn't make a lot of sense. I suspect - to be honest - that he was not really having the quite the right kind of therapy for all those years.

And you're so right to make your judgement based on how you were treated by this man. That's the only proper guide you have in the end to what a person is really like - and if it's a good idea to have them in your life or not.

WWT.

hey I thought it was a bad situation because I didn't handle him well.  It's not a reasonable to think it was solely based on my actions.  It's never one person responsible.  Ideally we each are responsible for ourselves.  The person has to want to do the work.  I know I made things worse but my actions were never going to cure the problems.

What was supposed to be our counselor became mine.  Sometimes someone doesnt go and sometimes they go but don't do the work.  Talk therapy alone doesn't teach people how to change their behavior or to reevaluate their thinking.

No effort, no improvement.

Amen GM!

We went for DBT for 8 months, which has been great for me. I have gained so much from it! My pwBPD, showed up, however, has gained little or nothing from one of the few types of therapy that help with BPD. You have to want it. You have to make a commitment to change. It's hard work, and so worth it!

Im sorry green mango and validation i didnt mean any offence by my question it was just my experience with my xbf that he thought he was better from a few months therapy and i thought with help our relationship would get better instead it got even worse than it had been i know its not the same for everyone... .

Yes it did make me think that more of the relationship difficulties were down to me too not understanding and accomodating his problems  and like yourself green mango i didnt handle him well as i never knew anything about BPD i have never only blamed him infact i probably made him worse... .

Could you tell me what DBT &pw means please?                         

Lyndsey                                                   

I really understand the feeling that "it's all your fault". BPD have a way of twisting and blamming.

I ended up going to therapy to work on ME, because obviously it was me and my childhood issues. So as I grew and began to learn about myself, I owned up to my flaws and mistakes, but my exBPD took those as confirmation that she was right. I was to blame. I am what she said Controlling, entitled, a user, lost, needy yada yada yada. The difference was that I was not perfect. in a normal loving mutually respectful relationship she would have been supportive a I worked thru my childhood issues to become a better person for myself and others. But she always took it to the extremes. Devaluing me at the end. and using my most exposed, vulnerable feelings that I shared with her as the reason that this relationship cant work. She had a realization one day in a car after leaving me one day when I needed her support, that I was to needy and she needed to move on. In her most compassionate way "I'm DONE", by text.

Sueyo thankyou for your reply. Yeah i do feel a lot to blame and i am seeing a therapist to try and find myself... . I guess i didnt help matters with my BPD as i found a lot of what he did confusing the disrespect was the worst for me and i became so insecure and trying even harder to make him want and treat me better, i cant remember the last time i felt good about myself when i was around him i told him this... . it made no difference  he never took any responsibilty for his actions therefore i blamed myself he had this knack of being able to make me feel like it was me. If i gave an honest opinion on something he took it personally and said he felt like i picked the bones out of him nothing i could do would make a differnce i tried to help him but got absolutely nowhere just made to feel bad about myself... .   This is hard work! I know it must be for them too, but as selfish as it might sound i need to concentrate on myself just now.

Thankyou again

Lyndsey. xx

No offense at all.  Therapy can drag up all kinds of stuff, add fuel to an already raging fire making it worse, or it could help.  Even in the right kind of therapy its a loong haul.  Sometimes years.

It really depends on the therapy.  Standard talk therapy - isn't gear towards learning coping skills.  :)BT/schema therapy is supposed to be better for a person with BPD but again they have want it. In the wrong kind of therapy one of the worst things I've read from other peoples stories is it reinforced the pattern.

It's a good thing you are concentrating in yourself.  You'll reap more rewards that way.  It'll get easier too.