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Its been  nearly 24hrs since my uBPD broke up, how do I stop myself from wanting to contact her and talk... .   I just left a message on her mobile

She's being the strong on... . i'm feeling so weak, and pathetic.  Ive been keeping busy, but then I have a thought, and think I need to say this to her... . I then was texting her (I've stopped that now), infact I've stopped all contact... . a minute at a time!

:'( It's just hard.

I just noticed the information to the right of this screen... .

Attachment leads to suffering, Detachment leads to freedom... .   I will use this as my mantra... .   and at the same time, get my pride back and do the NC! if she can do it, I can... .  

Aww defusion... .      I know what your going through is extremely difficult and nerve wracking.  First stop, and take control back of you.

You are in control of whether you text her, not the reactional feelings going on inside you.  Take back control of you and stop responding.

You are worth more than to chase another person who wants to either be done with you or to punish you.  Refuse to accept that.  Keep your texting finger still.

I know you feel in a hurry to resolve these feelings now, but it doesnt work that way.  There is time.  All the time you need.  Take a deep breath and give yourself a big hug.

You have been through so much, and you deserve to enjoy the silence.

Now, do you really feel the relationship is over, or is this a repetition of the history of your relationship?

Hi laelle,

I just read my message I posted on Saturday.  I was really feeling it.  She text me a few times over the weekend, just things that I had done, that she had done etc... . I haven't had any contact since Sunday night (a text, which was goodbye text).  Although I have a waves, I'm using all the strategies and tools that I know and its working. I wont be contacting her at all.  I've been going thru in my head the relationship, the stress that it caused me, and her for our own different reasons and I just don't think we fitted together, we had good times, but for me, it was like walking on eggshells.  The moods were at times subtle but noticable, and then they were just downright over the top.  One of her last texts to me was that I was too stressed for her, which is ironic as I consider, as do my friends and work colleagues, grounded and relaxed.  Sure, my father died, one of my siblings, as executor of the estate hasnt done anything for 16months, I am now the one responsible, as well as being the only emotional support to my mother, sure, my dog had an operation a month ago and I was concerned... . am I not supposed to be a lil stressed? I didnt even talk about it really because I knew she would judge me for talking about being stressed!  It's kinda like, she was jealous or didnt like it that I was going through this stuff... . does that make sense? after those words in her text, she did say, sorry, i shouldnt have said that... .   its not like, I was the one screaming my lungs out, one occasional punching the door, trying to or pretending to vomit in the toilet because she couldnt handle me anymore?, or having a tantrum whilst at a restaurant with my mother, and another occasion at my place.  One other person saw it, my mother... .

Also, what I said before, I dont think we did fit... . whether that is due to her expectations of me... . who knows.  She also said in her last text that I am not able to meet her needs, and she isnt able to meet mine... .   go figure... .

Apparently, she never had any of these outbursts in any other rships... . I was obviously triggering some stuff for her, no idea what... .

Anyway, I no longer want to talk about her.  I have to heal.  I am so appreciative and grateful for these boards... .

oh, do I think the rship is really over?  - I think it is for her, but then again, she has broken off with me a few times before, but not for this long, I think its over... .

I have asked myself, what if she calls me, emails, or texts me... . what am I going to do?  - I wont respond.  Whether she contacts me or not, she has some major things that she has been working on... . trauma for one, and I think this is all about that, (i may be wrong) but i no longer want to be the one who is getting all that projection... .

She said you were too stressed for her.  See and then you felt the need to justify why you sometimes act stressed!

No, you are fine, I'm about as tense a dude as you'll meet and that's ok.  You have normal reactions to life's problems.  She's probably just projecting her own feelings onto you, that, or just trying to make you feel worthless.  You've got every right to be stressed, so just Relax!

I want to keep reading on here how you haven't contacted her.  Don't let me hear about you texting her.  You sound like you know it's unhealthy, so just enjoy being free man!  I was just reading another guy and he's made it 2 months, that's gonna be you soon, and he's saying how much easier it gets, and how much better he feels.  Just give it time, I know it's hard to put the phone down, but distract yourself, like you said, you know how to do this, you can do it.

Hi defusion!

The beginning of the detachment is difficult. It might be helpful to have someone else to reach out to when you feel the urge to reach out to her. Remember, you said that she has not been supportive during times of stress. Why then would you reach out to her? Take back control of yourself. You will look back on these times, and feel good about regaining your confidence, and self respect. Resist the temptation, make up your mind that this is about you, and what you must do to get yourself together. Chances are you've already said everything that needs to be said in order to salvage things. What's left to talk about? Don't let her fool you with her perception of things. Don't let her decide if and when this will be over. You must decide for yourself! You can do this, and there are many here who will support you!

Best Wishes,

Val78