BPDFamily.com

I had been separated from my uBPD ex AGF since jan 21. That is when I found out she had filed behind my back in family court for visitation/joint custody of my kids. Just one week ago, before the court date, I had spoken to her on the weekend. I was upset, crying. She acknowledged that our relationship was over, but we needed to be civil for the kids. Well, Wed. she LOST in court. No visitation. Nothing. First she started with can she see them 1 last time to say goodbye. Then when I didn't agree, she approached with, lets just you and I meet for sex. Well, that was my downfall. I got a sitter and met her. The next morning, i would up upset, crying, this anxiety in my stomach. I tried to talk to her. The more we spoke, the more hysterical i got. This was exactly how it was just before we separated. She actually was calm and loving. not something I'm used to. We went to Mcdonald's with the kids, who haven't seen her in 6 weeks. I dropped her home and she said she'd come over if i wanted, just call. I tried texting, but she never responded. Says she fell asleep. The next morning, I went to church. She was there but i never saw her because she bolted before I got out of the santuary. Then she went to lunch with her buddy, who I can't stand... .   he enables her drinking. I was upset, crying. She called said she would meet me at the playground. We did that for a few hours and went grocery shopping, then i went home. I asked her to stay for dinner, she left. She wanted to come back at bedtime to sleep over, i refused. When she left, my 5yo was hysterical, i was crying. I truly felt like my contact with her triggered all these abandonment issues I have.

It seems after all the trauma of this relatinoship, my insides are screaming to run, avoid this at all costs. BEWARE. I was up at 2am, i text her that i had decided to break off contact for a few weeks. She kept saying that if i couldn't make the changes she needed, I needed to let her go. She couldn't hurt like that anymore.

That I understood. I feel like we have 4 1/2 yrs of bad relationship, truly very little good. The last year has been alot of lies on her part, and deception in regards to my son's birth certificate. As soon as she knew it was a done deal, She took off, doing whatever she wanted. I hung in there until I found out about the court thing... . then I broke off contact because I couldn't afford to lose.

I am beating myself up over this. I am trying to feel better... .   I only allowed 4 hours of conact with the kids, I didn't let her stay last night. I guess i am wondering, if this weekend was all an act, because she now knows she can't have the kids unless she marries me or adopts them. Also, I am at the point of saying, as much as I love you, this relationship triggers a very bad abandonment feeling in me. It isn't your fault, its mine. I can't work through that. It is too painful. This morning when i said i wanted a few weeks of space, she accused me of playing games.