BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I am new to the forum. A few years ago I was in an abnormal psych class and learned about BPD and it hit me,,all the chaos and dysfunction had a name. I believe my mom and sister both suffer from BPD. They have not been formally diagnosed, but the discovery helped me to begin to heal. I can't say it has been all roses from there. I have not figured out how to deal with them and I still take the bait and retaliate. That leaves me drained and in a FOG. Recently I had enough of my sister's nasty emails and wrote back exactly how I felt and sure enough, it was all projected back to me. I have lost sleep ( grrr) and feel helpless because I let it get to me. I am seeking education and support here because I can't do it on my own. I have been really good for so long at not responding to the drama, yet she finally pushed a button and got what she wanted, a response.

I don't feel like I am living a full life because I carry around so much baggage. I try, but it seems like I always have some shred of chaos living in my head. I am angry and don't have the healthy coping skills to function as I would like. I used to be embarrassed about my dysfunctional childhood, never really acknowledged it. But it haunts me. I broke my rule of not getting sucked in, but I could not take it anymore.

I need to change my reaction, because I know she won't change. I just need help.

  and  *welcome*!  You have come to the right place!  I have not been here for very long yet either, but I have this site to be warm and very supportive!  For me, it is my young teenaged daughter who has BPD.  It is heartbreaking to have a family member with this diagnosis, and very stressful for us!  There are other boards on here as well which deal specifically with sibling and parent relationships!  Check them out!

Thank you,,I already feel better. I never truly accepted how effected I was and how I was on some kind of loop,,round and round.

Hi Issa!  I just joined here too, but I relate to how you feel cause my mom and sister are BPD too.  Do you have any other support? 

Nice to meet you here.   

Welcome Issa


Growing up in a household with a parent with BPD or traits really does impact us. Sometimes our own coping skills need a tune up.

I can understand you wanting to confront BPDsis however as you have experienced it rarely has the desired effect – her taking responsibility.

The best thing you can do for BPDsis is not to engage or even respond to her emails. She projects to self soothe herself – if you don’t respond she is forced to process it herself – which is best for her and you.

By reacting to these emails/emotional outbursts you are contributing to part of the Karpman or Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0). Best to step back.


Spot on! |iiii

Are you seeking seeking out therapy Issa? Highly recommended.

     My parents and younger brother had/have BPD. Worse yet I worked in a family business. This gave my dad and brother a chance to work their insanity together against me. The only way I survived was to just not talk to them, ignore emails, etc.

     My wife often said to me can't you just try to get through to them just once. No I didn't try because you can't reason with someone who is unreasonable.

     We now fear that our youngest has it.

       

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate the input and never heard of the drama triangle, very interesting. I have not sought therapy, I would welcome it. I do have a great boyfriend that supports me, but I keep most of my inner turmoil to myself because I use lots of mind space on the "troubles".

I deleted the email my sister sent me because it carries so much negativity. It makes me sad because it seems to never end. I get resentful at all the delicate ways one has to deal with BP people. I finally had enough and gave her a piece of my mind, but ended up taking away more peace. I truly believe she likes fighting. Anyway. I don't want to dwell on her actions, reactions and predictable mind games. I want to figure out how to unravel myself, acknowledge the dysfunction and learn to be healthy. I realize how completely dysfunctional our lives were. How utterly unbalanced and untethered we were emotionally. How much that has effected me as an adult. I have tons of emotions about it because i feel broken and lacking a foundation I think I did not get. But, in a better light, it made me stronger, less immune to the BS in the world and the people I have in my life are great. I just need to clear out the darkness, change my reaction to the chaos of the BP in my life. I can't tell you how amazing it felt to finally understand and have a name for the dysfunction. It all fits. I am grateful for this community, I was really struggling. I am will never give up on myself and the lessons I can learn from such a troubled chaotic childhood.

I learned something just now as well. I have an innate reaction to be rescuer! I think, if I am there for you, take your crap, your lies and projections, you will see how I love you. My first reaction ( in my head)  to my sisters nasty email was, " wait till your life falls apart once again, you will come running back apologizing and wanting to be my friend again. I have followed this recipe for years. I always end up resentful and angry because part of the "agreement" is that they change the story and somehow think because I forgive them it means that I also except the twisted "OZ" version of the story and all there drama and actions are forgotten or somehow erased. I just got all that now because I realized I was falling into the rescuer idea again. Thanks guys! Saved me money on therapy. Total break through. Amazing. So, now what?

Keeping it inside Issa is not healthy you for you. Many of us here who have a BPD parent get themselves into therapy.

She likes fighting because she doesn't know how to self soothe - this does not mean she uses you to do that.

I believe you will heal Issa - your attitude and drive is sitting in the right place. Many of us are rescuers because we often were required to do that as kids. We also often live based on our childhood script.

We need to be mindful what was faulty beliefs were ingrained in us as children - that we are still living now.

One carry over from childhood is the need to rescue others, at the expense of rescuing ourselves and feeling enmeshed with our BPD loved ones rather than separate.

Remind yourself often that its not your role to rescue and work through the guilt of not fixing. We no longer need to be useful to be of value. We don't have to "do" to be valued.

Work on your self worth and your faulty beliefs