BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I discovered this forum a while back and almost cried from relief reading everyone's experiences and realizing that I'm not alone. I grew up with a BPD mom and somewhat Narcissistic dad. I won't bother with the details since I'm sure it's all familiar to everyone here. In short, there was a lot of chaos, violence and instability. We had a large family and I ended up being the caretaker. The one everyone came to to fix all the problems, the one who had to find a solution, listen to everyone, parent them and make sure they'd never suffer like I did.

I've since learned to detach from it all, finally moved further away from home and started taking care of myself.  Or at least I tried to to . It killed me bec I felt like I was abandoning my family and showing them once again that people cant be depended on.

I feel like a failure though. It's been more than a year. All I've known till now is how to survive, how to take care of everyone else, how to strategize and keep everything in control so I can make it better for my family. I don't know how to take care of myself. How to just live without guilt. How to succeed in normal life.

I started smoking, drinking, getting high and drowning myself in anything that can help me forget.

I'm usually depressed, anxious and even when I'm doing well, just feeling sad. An all consuming, surrendering kind of sadness.

I've been so strong all my life, how can this be happening?

I finally have no chaos . I finally have no suffocating parents breathing down my neck. I finally don't have to be a mom to 6 kids 24/7. But I'm drowning... .

I also left my community and cant find a single decent friend who I like spending time with. I keep repeating the same cycle. Get friendly with someone, then get really close than suddenly find myself YET AGAIN the caretaker. The one who they can't live without. The one who has to rescue them... . Get them through depression and addiction and mental illness while getting nothing in return.

I also suffer from recurring nightmares and insomnia. Right now its quarter to FIVE am and I can't sleep. Right when I get to bed and almost sleep I get this lump in my throat feeling . .Its hard to explain properly... . desperation perhaps? Fear? And then I need to do ANYTHING not to feel it. Watching tv, eating, facebooking, working ... . which again doesn't let me sleep of course.

I'm so sorry I'm rambling... . I just haven't put my feelings/thoughts down on paper for a while now. I almost feel like a robot is writing this, I've been so detached from myself.

I just need help  :'( ( I'm actually crying right now)


Any advice?

In my life I've noticed there is process:

-distance from the problem

-realizing what the problem WAS

-fixing your bad behavior so it doesn't keep happening

-building a better life

These processes don't end. I think of it as an upward spiral. Sometimes you overlap, sometimes you cross the same point from a different angle. I went through a lengthy "wreck" period myself (maybe still there, financially). Going through DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) myself was very useful. It helped me learn better communication skills, better life management skills, learning to tone down the antics. I think I was dumped into the world with no idea how to navigate it like a normal person. I made a lot of mistakes. It's fine to pay for reparenting.

I have good advice on friends: you find healthy friends by doing healthy activities. Running clubs. Gym classes. Gardening classes. That stuff. Not nightclubs or bars. I also keep a lot of distant friends. I don't get sucked down into lengthy emo conversations with people much anymore. I don't give anyone advice more than once. Friends aren't therapists.

Sometimes when you have a little distance, it's easier to see things for what they really are/were, so it makes sense that you're just now starting to process how difficult and painful your upbringing was. That can be very hard to come to terms with.

You're not a failure. You've survived so far, and that took some strong coping skills. From what you've said, though, you're struggling with trying to find ways to make peace with your past and live a healthier life going forward.

XL has summed up the process well. You know that you grew up in a hostile environment and you're now fully understanding how that affected you.

Are you working with a therapist or counselor? Are you trying to work through the feelings you've been experiencing, or do you think you're trying to surpress them tv, alcohol, etc? As you work through the feelings that are coming up, it's very easy to rely on self-soothing methods that make you feel better in the short term.

I know you're in a tough spot right now, but rest assured that many of us have been where you are. 

It sounds, that like me, you suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, so I include this quote and link.

"(C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape... .  

Several years ago I found a State sponsored depression services organization who provided diagnosis (PTSD) and then pharmaceutical treatment.  I was prescribed a very low dosage of Prozac for general anxiety and a low dose of Seroquel for sleep and for the relentless and terrifying nightmares.  This was a God send and the depths of depression and the nightmares virtually disappeared.  I was able to focus and be productive again.

Then my Mother got word and due to her continuous smear campaigns, I've lost even the ability to keep that service available and now I have been over 6 months without meds. 

That always present sense of hopelessness and that cloud of depression is back and it's a struggle to stay organized... .  but there is good news.  I have leaned to go to sleep at a normal time and the nightmares have not returned.

I know none of this amounts to even a small pearl of wisdom but I'm thinking that maybe with just a small amount of treatment, similar to mine, you can eliminate the nightmares and much of the depression too.

God bless and good luck with it.

Thanks everyone :)

My week was so much better just knowing that I put it all out there and it'll get better from now on... . Sleeping patterns are still off but I finally am doing things Im interested in again ... . I feel more alive.


Xl- Thanks for the advice. I need healthy friends more than you can imagine.

Swampy- I might be suffering from some PTSD... . Will mention it to my therapist

GeekyGirl- Thank you for ur kind words

Did any of you find that actually going to support groups help? I don't think there's any for BPD specifically but something like Al-anon maybe?

One more question, I have almost NO MEMORIES from my childhood... . I can talk about it in general terms but can never remember any details. It feels like it happened to someone else... .

Is that normal?

I have what I call a snapshot memory. Just brief glimpses at my past. I'm shocked how often people tell me about events I don't recall. This includes good things I'd want to remember, like giving a really thoughtful gift.

According to my therapist, this is disassociation. I hope things come back to me over time. And for you too.

Hi Desire,

I'm sorry for what you have been through. It's so tough to be a parent at such a young age, and to witness the violence you did. Good for you for seeking help here and in T. I don't know if you've checked out the Survivors Guide on the side panel, but it's really helpful.

Recognizing the trauma and experiencing the feelings is not a sign of weakness, dear one. You still are very strong. These are signs of healing, and show just how brave you are.


You're not alone. Nightmares and anxiety are so tough, especially when coupled with insomnia.   Do you have good sleep hygiene? Having a regular bedtime routine can help. Relaxation techniques can also calm your anxieties before sleep: www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm)


This is a normal response to abnormal events. Oftentimes, abused kids will repress or forget so they can survive. I did. Have you talked to your T about this? She will be able to help you work through this.

How are you doing at self care? Keep reaching out, hun. We're here for you, Desire.

Thanks for responding ... . I'm so touched that you guys care. I just had tears in my eyes.

IsheeBPD-

That makes a lot of sense. I think I'm disassociating alot in general ... . Things seem unreal to me at times.


Scarlet- Thank you for your kind words. Self care is obviously the last thing I know how to do. All this is even harder for me bec I have a lot of unhealthy friends and I'm withdrawing lately. Its healthier but sometimes I don't talk to anyone all day. I work on my own too, so I have to figure out a way around it. Maybe the gym is a good idea... .

Aww, honey, you are worth caring about. 


Self care is hard sometimes. Have you seen this article: PERSPECTIVES: What does it mean to take care of yourself? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0) Maybe you can brainstorm some nice things you can do for yourself-cook a nice meal, take a bath, treat yourself to a manicure. Going to the gym would be a great way to get out, see people, and take care of yourself too! Do you have any hobbies, church affiliations, volunteer work, or other things you could to to meet people?

It's good that you recognize which friends are unhealthy and that you're withdrawing. What makes these friends unhealthy?

" it's good that you recognize which friends are unhealthy and that you're withdrawing. What makes these friends unhealthy?"

Some of them are addicted to all kinds of things, eating disorders... . etc and I end up being the caretaker/therapist instead of just a friend. The conversation is always about them and I feel guilty for trying to say what I want. None of them are emotionally healthy or available and just make me shut down my emotions when I'm around them. The despair of finding myself responsible for someone else AGAIN makes me not want to socialize in general. I'm sure there's something I'm doing wrong that makes ppl think they can use me like that but I think I'm just a caring person who has a hard time saying no when someone can use some assistance and when I'm lonely I go back because I don't have anyone else... .

I've met some nice people when I was doing some volunteer work but never kept in touch... . I make friends very easily but have to figure out where to find friends that are good for me.


Thanks for listening  :)