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And, well, today my world exploded into tiny pieces.  Long story short, I had hired a private investigator months ago and my uBPDbf (or now ex-boyfriend) had been following me as well.  He has been spying on me and having people who work under him in his line of work spy on me. 

Today I noticed one of his underlings was sitting in a remote area of a second floor of a grocery store where I met the private investigator to close out my bill and pay my account.  So, I confronted the young man and he claimed he was there to meet a friend from school. No way, not in this area where there is no traffic and not when he is facing away from the walk way where a friend would need to see him sitting.

He was watching me have a discussion with my detective.

So, my uBPDbf and I had it out on the phone and he broke up with me, after I admitted I was meeting the detective because the alternative was for him to think I was cheating on him, which was what he was alluding to. He didn't believe me when I said it was someone from work. He unloaded then.

So, now I'm sitting here splattered, having heard him say that he is done, we are finished, he said I'm psychotic, crazy, nuts, etc. (I hired the PI because of all his suspicious behavior becoming involved again with the woman that he cheated on me with for years and also some very very questionable behavior with a new clients of his that he took out last Saturday night)

He has said that he was prepared to spend a wonderful weekend with me, but now my having him followed has put him in harms way (I don't know how to say this any other way but the truth, in addition to his job, he sells testosterone to weight lifters/bodybuilders) and that many investigators are former cops and that I have endangered him severely and he is absolutely finished with me. He said if I call him or come near him he will call the police and get a restraining order. Yet, when I called him back crying hysterically he did answer the phone.  Then later in the conversation he said that he will call me later but that we are DONE, finished.  I went to where he was earlier when this started and he told me to leave the parking lot or he would call the police.

He's beyond furious that I had him followed. 

Any normal person would tell me the regular nine yards about it being a blessing and fresh starts and I'm better off without him.  Of course I don't feel that way.  I was looking forward to this amazing weekend we were going to have. And now it's shattered - not only the weekend but the relationship.  I'm blaming myself for being suspicious and ruining it all.  The surveillance showed him out with other women but not being affectionate or touchy. 

I could ramble on forever, as I am a sobbing mess, panicked and ready to throw up.  I feel like I did all this.  He has never broken up with me before saying, "we're done!, never will I ever trust you again and you could have destroyed me and I won't let that happen again."

What on Earth am i going to do? I don't even know how to breathe right now, much less make it through the night... .  

This is probably the lowest point for me, in 7 years. All I'm hoping is that he'll one day come back and I just can't see it.

I can see why this is upsetting - that's quite a lot that just happened to you.  I think right now, it's probably best to give him some breathing room and time to cool down.  The frantic phone calls, texts, etc. will not help you right now.  You need to let everyone's emotions calm down for a while. 

Is there someone you can spend the weekend with?  A friend or family maybe?

Agree with briefcase on calling a friend, or family.  Give yourself some space to breathe.  Find someone you can be with that is loving and supportive.

Try not to be overly harsh on yourself.  One of the traits that many of us here have is owning too much, and being too hard on ourselves.  So be kind to yourself.  Recover at least a little.  And once you are able to breathe you can consider next steps.

Wow I feel so sorry for you SR, my heart goes out to you 

I have wanted and still want desperately to hire a PI, you can't blame yourself for having done so.

You have had so much suspicion placed in front of you that you felt it was the only option.

I have felt the same for over two years now, when you are so totally convinced that there is something going on, but just can't prove it.

You have people say to you, you don't need proof, just the way he treats you should be enough, but no-one understands what a confused mess you are in, how deeply it affects you, tot he point where you need to prove to yourself that you are not wrong.

I know myself that I have often thought, if I could do this, I will find out once and for all and then it will be easier for me to let go... .  right?

You have to be strong and remember that it was HIS actions and behaviour which led to you doing this. it is unfortunate that he found out because it is something he has been able to turn around on you. Don't let him!

Remember, it was HIS actions that made you do it, we are not paranoid enough to hire a PI  for no reason.

Take care of yourself

Oh, SR, I'm sorry you're feeling this way!  I've totally been there (the shaky, barfy, sobbing mess). Please consider, and this is the voice of unfortunate experience speaking here, that at least some of this is attributable to shock. You will indeed feel at least a little better tomorrow as the initial adrenaline rush wears off. You will likely still feel like crap (sorry, truth) but at least you'll be able to think more clearly.

A few thoughts for now:

- He's mad at you b/c a PI could potentially endanger his illegal business? Yeah, okay. Here's the thing buddy, you have no one to blame but your own stupid self if you get caught doing something illegal. Don't want to get caught? Don't do it. Don't start blaming other people. He is 100% responsible for his own actions. Do not let him guilt you on this. DO NOT.

- Hiring the PI was a symptom, not the cause of this rift. When you have cause to be that paranoid, something is already wrong. See my next point.

- I'm sorry but I think you may have 'fleas'. my-issues Don't worry, you can get rid of them.

- Stop contacting him. You're too upset to make sense or to fix anything right now. He's too upset to listen to reason. You will make it worse and entrench his anger and then you'll regret this too. Just take a timeout - nothing new is going to happen if you let it rest for a bit.


Peterpan - I have to respectfully disagree with hiring a PI. I get why you would want to. I also understand that the induced paranoia is a huge factor... .  But that's a bit of a my-issues issue. If you need proof then that is maybe something you should be looking at within yourself. If the r/s has made you that uncomfortable and paranoid, why are you still there? Will you even trust the 'proof'? What if, as in SR's case, the 'proof' isn't so strong or self-evident? Hire another PI? Where does the insanity end? Answer: it ends with you. This is crazy-making behaviour and it can go on endlessly. Learn to trust yourself and to tune in to your own feelings. You don't need a PI to try and prove anything to yourself. (Caveat: unless you actually need hard evidence for a court case or something. In which case, please just ignore me.)

 

SR - couple of things - you say that your bf is having people who work for him spy on you - you just paid a professional to do the same thing.

I have heard the "I'm done; you are psychotic; you are crazy; I am finished; you have destroyed anything we ever had; there is no trust left... .  " on more than one occasion - the last when I called the cops on him while he was drinking and became abusive.

I would definitely heed the advice of the others here - take some time out for yourself to heal.  If your bf follows through w his decision to end the relationship, accept it and move on.  If you all are able to work things out, return with boundaries in place, accepting that you are the only person you can change.

The panic of all this is so cutting... . I'm admittedly addicted to this. The notion that I've lost him and he's now so against me and has his ex celebrating with him about it is so hurtful. I hate that I can't even call him because he threatened a restraining order. I can't believe how badly this blew up. Yet I feel like he was trying to set me up to fail so he could end it with me. The weirdest thing is that it feels as if he went from loving me to hating me, and waging a war against me. I don't understand why it happens so fast. The slice marks are so deep and I honestly don't know how to stop the bleeding or if I even want to. If I hadn't hired the PI and if I had just kept my mouth shut all would have at least been still there although not perfect. His shifts seem to be without forewarning. Now I just feel like he's gone forever and I don't know how I'll make it one day much less the rest of my life. I need to go to a co-dependents meeting but I've never done it before and that's not until next Thursday 

SR 

You've hit on a few key points in your post:


If you know this then you also know that it's within your power to start to feel better. Change is scary, but you can't continue feeling so awful. It's great that you're planning to check out the codependents group. Since you have to wait for a bit for that, here's what helped me the most in my first meeting: finding out that a lot of my symptoms weren't tied to my dBPDh but were part of me. I don't have to depend on anyone else to start to change my emotional state! Maybe this sounds trite to others, but it was a revelation to me - I truly thought that H was making me feel this way. I also thought that many of my underlying triggers (perfectionism, feeling inadequate, trying to 'help' all the time, etc) were just part of my personality and therefore part of my r/s. Nope! I can change those too! It's NOT JUST ME - there's whole groups of people with the same issues and they are recovering successfully!


Ouch. Yes, I know that feeling. But please remember - he's the same with her as with you. She hasn't got anything you don't and he's not exactly in a 'happy' place right now. And you know as soon as his mood shifts he'll just reject her again. I wouldn't even want to be her.


Well, yes. That's it exactly. This is the 'painting black' and the 'push' that you hear about on these boards so often. He ran away and was a total jerk about, baiting you, etc. because he's got BPD and that's how his mind operates. If you understood it I'd be worried about you (or award you a phD and send you off as an advisor at the country's largest BPD treatment centre where they would pay you an absolute fortune to share your knowledge). He's ill, nothing else to say, really.


No. If you hadn't hired a PI you would still have the problems that caused you to hire the PI in the first place. That was a pretty big step to take so things must have been pretty far from 'perfect'. You posted on another board that the great weekend you were hoping for was going to be marred by your trying to 'fake it' and act normal while knowing that he was only with you b/c his ex was away. Your memory is trying to trick you - it's holding on to the good and conveniently forgetting the bad. And, as you said, it felt like he was setting you up to fail. He probably was. You were fighting in a battle you didn't even know about. Sure, you see it now, but that's hindsight. Don't beat yourself up. His shifts ARE without forewarning - that's the dysregulation, a sign of the illness. Letting it all go on without confronting it was never an option, maybe you could have delayed the inevitable, but you would have been suspicious and unhappy in the meantime and it would have just dragged the whole thing out even longer. Not helpful. Start off fresh again, starting now.


 I know, right? But he likely isn't gone forever. And, if he is? You had a life before him, therefore you can have a life after him. It will be awful for awhile but eventually it fades to a blip on the timeline of your life. The blip gets smaller the better you do. You've already decided to start working on yourself, that means that you ARE going to come out on top - you're going to get better and better and more and more awesome! Him? Well, who knows? But if you're doing great and you're happy - then who cares if it's with him or not? I know it's not so easy to FEEL, but just keep telling yourself this stuff... .  it helps calm the shaking and the sobbing sometimes. Eventually you start to believe in it too.

Arabella the kindness of strangers always amazes me, probably because I'm a skeptic based on so many life experiences. So, thank you... . for your reply, caring, insight and incredible smarts... .  You have helped me, tremendously.

I'm really glad that my comments helped you out a bit, Siamese Rescue! It's tough (understatement) going through this stuff - you're doing amazing if you can even still type! lol I know these boards have been my lifeline so giving back a little is the very least I could do. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing!

How do you cope aside from staying busy? I can't stay busy because I can barely sit up and breathe - I can't believe I'll never hear his voice again.

This is when focusing on yourself is numero uno of importance :light:

Read everything you can get your hands on about Codependency.  Go out TODAY and buy the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie-- if you already have the book, read it again.

Post on the boards here, if you don't have a support system readily available.

Arabella has made a lot of really good and interesting points about my-issues.  We all have them, or we wouldn't be posting here lol

Hiring a PI has more to do with your own trust issues, than anything to do with him... .   Sure, his behavior is more than confusing.  What's more confusing and interesting though, is what makes us attach so strongly to situations/people that bring these issues to the forefront.  If we don't get a good handle on these things, we carry them into every other facet of our lives, looking outside of ourselves for answers that can only be found from within.

A question I have asked myself is, "Why do I feel so unworthy of having an honest to goodness healthy relationship"?

There's not one simple answer to the question.  Oh man, the deeper I got the more that came bubbling forth... .   Puke city!  Anxiety galore!  CHANGES had to be made!  Here I was complicating everything up, looking at everyone else in my life, all these people with all these issues going la la la along with their lives while I was shattered and devastated and puking all over the place because of them!  And then I settled down and a calmness took over because for the first time in my life, I felt like I actually existed.  WOW!  I actually have a say in what goes on in my life.  I am not existing at the whims of what somebody else is doing/not doing.  I had to own up to a lot of my own issues in a caring way, not a beat myself over the head with a bat kind of way-- although, I've done that, too.

We're human Siamese Rescue.  We make mistakes.  We learn from them.  We stand alone in our foibles and we try to do better next time around.  I try to not attach what I do to what another person is doing.  Unenmesh.  You will survive without ever hearing his voice again, if it comes down to that.

My advice to you, is to find your own voice.  Learn to get really comfy within yourself.  Use the boards here to learn how to do that

The journey you're about to embark on is going to be priceless and a whole heck of a lot bigger, brighter and way more interesting than what your boyfriend is doing with his ex and his illegal shenanigans or his velvety voice telling you how wrong you are.  PULLLEEEASE!

It's usually the case that we have been beating ourselves up for our entire lives, that when we hear it from someone else it just kind of rings true... .   A vague but familiar tone from the past... .  

Take this time to learn about yourself.  You are important and what you think and how you feel matters!  

Shewwwww, now that I got that all out... .  

How are you doing, Siamese Rescue?  I'm so sorry to hear you can barely sit up and breathe.   

I'm so trembly and wobbly but I'm going to go to the local lake and try to walk because it's an nice day.  Of course, a few Sundays ago, he and I walked the lake together. We used to do it all the time so now it's just me and i'm solo and I'm hoping to have the inner strength to make it without him.  After that I am going to go get the book you mentioned - I'll go to a Barnes and Noble right afterward - or maybe before  and I'll read the book at the lake after I walk. 

Your reply was so thorough - almost like a mini therapy session.  I don't know the lingo around here all that well but what are fleas ?

Thank you for being so supportive. There are a lot of people here and I'm currently so self absorbed that I am embarrassed. I'm usually the one helping my friends make it through this junk and now I have to somehow employ my own advice.  Yeah, easier said than done. It sucks. I will read your reply over and over again today. I have to... .  

Thank you - from the bottom of my broken heart. (I was once a strong willed no nonsense person and somewhere along the way I trusted him with the keys to everything I am)

Siamese, so sorry to hear whats going on. I know how you feel and it is so very hard, but you will find yourself again. I am going through a detachment myself right now. It was on my behalf because I just could not take the lying and cheating. I gathered up my self pride and set it on the line, now I am afraid he is gone for good. I just keep reminding myself of the kind of man he is. I have a feeling there is probably a lot more that I don't even know. He is a very disturbed man. Just take this time now to find yourself again and decide if he does come back, that he is what you want. That is what I am doing right now and to be honest, the clouds are beginning to clear and I am seeing the light.

Again, I could have written so much of this myself.  It does get better. It DOES. I wouldn't lie to you about this.

Here's the thing, you'll go for that walk by the lake and then next time the last time you were walking by the lake won't have been with him. Next time you'll know the lake is yours too. That's the sort of thing that helps you to keep moving forward. Someone posted on another thread that they are employing the Japanese concept of 'kaizen' - make great and lasting change through small, steady increments. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." Yes? So go to the lake, buy a book or two, post on here, eat some comfort food, wear your favourite socks - everything little thing to help yourself.

my-issues Fleas - they're the behaviours and thought patterns we pick up from our pwBPD. So, BPD-like traits that we've 'caught'. It comes from the old adage: if you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas. Itchy! And then we scratch and it gets worse... .  ugh!

Don't be embarrassed. That feeling of always needing to be the one to 'fix' everyone else's problems? Codependency. Asking for help when you're down is healthy. Take this time for you and let go of any guilt. And besides, you'll get your chance to pass all this along to some other new member in the future! :)

Well, I'm on chapter 5 of "Codependent No More" and I'm feeling oddly calm. I'm also very embarrassed at the way I've behaved. It's clearer now, the mess. I can see it from the outside looking in. This is eerily accurate to my entire being and way of living my life. No wonder this relationship blew up. I hired a private investigator... .  oh my god, I hired a private investigator? What was I thinking? And then to admit it? Oh dear god I wish I had read this book years ago. I'm not excusing my ex's behavior because it's total bhitsh__ to string your girlfriend along with "just hang in there with me til I can pay off my ex, who i hate, who has done a lot of evil crap to me, then I'm done with her" only for him to turn around and say, after you've hung in there for years,  "change of plans, I'm going to be friends with her again and if you don't like it you're unreasonable" ... .  still, I can't believe how effectively this book illustrates just how depleted I allowed myself to get. This is sad. I need to survive this and start living MY life. Why didn't I read this sooner? Ugh!

|iiii  It's a great read and very enlightening :)

I'm so glad you're getting something out of it and are receptive to learning about yourself.  We only have control over ourselves and you know what?  We're pretty darn interesting   We have to believe it though, live it and be who we are meant to be, while letting others be who they are, too.  Making our changes from within, not outside of ourselves while getting super duper frustrated that other people aren't following along with our vague boundaries.

How was your walk around the lake?  :)id you see any wildflowers sprouting up, birds singing?  A turtle sunning itself on a log?  

There's so much to experience in life!  Yay!  Beauty all around us

Hey SR!

So glad you got the book and took a walk!  Nothing beats being out in the fresh air, regardless of the temperature too 

When you finish that book? Go and get The New Codependency also by Melody Beattie, and? another little book entitled The Language of Letting Go also by MB.

I reread my book lots over the weekend to help me over a hump/crisis/whatever the drama with my pwBPD, it helps me center myself to become focused on me and not the action of others. 

As so aptly stated by the author, "I'd stepped in a huge puddle of co dependency" the past several days.

Another thing? you can keep busy, yes you can!  It will get you over the first few days which are the very toughest when navigating your own life after it's been touched by someone with BPD.

Hugs!

CiF

I got the book on the way to the lake and took sanctuary at my mother's house near the lake. I read so much and during that time the rain started so I never made it to the lake. You feel great while you're reading it but it's easy to feel the emptiness when you're not.

Now I'm so filled with regret that I didn't read the book sooner because I would have behaved differently and possibly not destroyed my relationship with him. Now, unfortunately, his final memory of me is that I'm a nosy, stalking, spying nut who hired a PI. I've read that borderlines identify you with only the last interaction. I just wish I could explain myself to him. When he confronted me on Friday I got so jittery and emotional I was trying to explain myself out of the mess and explain that the PI was used sparingly. He was vicious at that point, foaming with anger and said I destroyed it for good, final. He will never trust me.  It's heartbreaking to me because I wish I had known more and been better educated about his illness and apparently mine. I could have maybe saved it or at least handles myself better. Ugh I'm always a day late and a dollar short.

Aw, SR, you're blaming yourself again! Stop being so hard on yourself, okay?

Yes, you are responsible for your actions, but that doesn't make him less responsible for his. One bumbled interaction is never the be-all end-all of anything. No one is perfect and if it hadn't been this it would have been something else. You know he was baiting you to begin with. Even if you were totally healthy, he still wouldn't be, and he's half the r/s.


^ Perhaps that might be true of some people, but it doesn't hold true for all pwBPD. Many of them selectively forget what they don't want to deal with or what is an 'inconvenient truth' for them. If he wants to get back together, he'll just minimize that whole event until it's nothing. If he wants to leave, then he would have anyway, and this is just a convenient excuse. You're not the cause of this. We aren't as in control of these things as we might like to believe.