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Silly title but there is a serious point!

I have been anaesthetising myself with a lot of TV and have spent hours watching episodes of NCIS.  I find myself attracted to the character, Gibbs, and am trying to think about why because I think it might tell me something.

This is what I like:

he cares about his team and is very loyal to them

he stays pretty calm and only gets wound up when he's defending his team/people he cares about

he doesn't assume someone is guilty - he listens to them before making judgements

he's trustworthy

he can be tender

he knows who he is - sure of himself without being arrogant

well respected

good at his job

makes boats in spare time - practical and creative

sticks at things until they are resolved

doesn't bother about how he looks or what people think of him

he isn't a pushover but he's not hard - he has compassion for others

nice smile!  (I'm a sucker for a good smile... . )

Some of these are things I would like in a partner and some I would like in myself.

Little red flags :

his team seem to want very much to please him - gain his approval

he hits them playfully!

his relationships don't last (he's never got over his wife's death)

father figure?

Do you have any fictional characters that you are drawn to (not necessarily romantically)?  Why?

claire

Out of the things you like, what are the things you would like in yourself and what are you doing to cultivate those?

Hi clairadair

Im really sorry but I think it's dangerous to have crushes on fictional tv characters. It definitely is for me anyway. I have realised that these characters are created to exactly tick the boxes of women like you and I and the ideal man we imagine would give us everything we want. Heck he even is slightly damaged just to make him that bit more perfect!

Think about these characters from these shows. Have you ever met a man anywhere close? No, me neither. Oh hang on- my exwBPD seemed pretty perfect in the early days!

Hi Maria1

I was being a bit tongue-in-cheek about the being in love with fictional character thing!  I think what I was really trying to get at was that I 'notice' a different type of men than I used to and I am wondering what that is saying about me.  I seem to be less attracted to being around people with sad stories or issues and more to people who are secure in themselves.  I think this a good sign.  It's not that I want another relationship, I'm just aware that this is a change and am reflecting on it.

suzn - I said in earlier post that I would like some of the things in a partner and some in myself but reading them again, I'd like all of them in myself.  I'm mainly working on the 'good at job' one just now.  I had to leave a good job and one that I did well in because of difficulties related to my relationship and have been in a job which has really knocked my confidence.  After several interviews and rejections, I have finally got a new job and they even offered me more money to go work for them so that's been a real boost and I am really looking forward to starting it fairly soon.

Staying calm is another thing I'm trying to work on.  I am still too affected by his actions/contact.

I think you should make a mental note of the things you find you like about this character.That way,when someone comes along that may have these "traits" as well,maybe it'll help you recognize it.

I'll have to get back to you on the fictional character I might like.Haven't really thought about that.

Very nice, having the courage to seek out a new job is great. Working on your "calm" is a good attribute to work on. What coping skills are you using?

And on the flip side, in the little flags list, what little flags have you noticed in yourself and what have they told you about you? I'll go first, for me it was unintentionally seeking out unhealthy partners. I have codependent tendencies so I have a history of finding partners I could save. (we can go outside the small list you have above)

Looking at flags and attributes in ourselves helps us see them in others. It's an interesting side effect of a working recovery.

My own red flags?  I've only ever been in one relationship - the one with my exh.  We met when we were young.  My main red flag is probably my willingness to repeatedly reconcile with someone who repeatedly left me and repeatedly then sought out a relationship with someone else.  I have justified this a hundred different ways but it comes down to that useful cliche "what would you say if this was a friend/your sister" - I would have wanted my friend/sister to make a life for herself detached from someone who may or may not love her but was definitely hurting her.

Related red flags are weak boundaries and a tendency to constantly see another person's perspective to the point that I find it hard to really be firm about what my own opinions/values etc are.  I'm a real 'fence-sitter'!  I often feel quite emotional when I see people protesting/holding rallies etc because I am envious of their strong belief and willingness to stand up and be counted.

Thanks for the comment about the courage to seek out a new job.  I nearly cancelled interview because I woke up with a voice in my head saying I would fail.  It took everything I had to turn up so it has been great to be offered the post and comes at a point where a 'fresh start' like this will be welcome.

 

It's very difficult to have strong boundaries when you aren't sure what your values are. Have you considered asking yourself what sits well with you? I literally started asking myself "who are you and what do you stand for?" when I was working to find more of my values. Make a list. Asking yourself questions, though it may sound silly, opens up a different perspective in you. Have a discussion with yourself about your beliefs.


I'm really glad you stood up to that voice in your head and were indeed counted.