BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

I don't know if my uBPDw was triggered after spending an hour or two acting like a model mom and wife while we were with someone else (she went back to her currently-normal self within seconds after the other person left) or if it was that my wife has been feeling better about me in the last few days and so our D2 became her new target of projections, etc.  But either way, I feel bad for and once again worry about my D2.

It started with my wife getting really angry at D2 pretty soon after she got up from her nap.  My wife withdrew to our bedroom to watch TV on her own.  She said she did not want to expose D2 to anger.  I really appreciated this and told her so.  There have been plenty of other instances in which she all out got angry at D2, so kudos to her for recognizing it this time.  I stopped working early and spent the rest of the evening with D2 for the next couple of days.  The following day, my wife was generally still in a bad mood.  She was short tempered with D2.  And when D2 came back from preschool, which she attends a few days per week, my wife barely spent any time with her.  Since the first anger episode, my wife did not want to talk about and would not tell me what happened.

This morning my wife spent all of about 30-60 seconds with D2, then came to me and said this is what she has gotten tired of and does not want to put up with.  She said D2 is just being rude to her and not wanting whatever my wife is offering.  Sure, D2 is learning to express her individuality and her first response can often be "no".  Then, part way through breakfast, my wife excused herself and said she was going to lie down.  She said she felt tired, did not feel well, and felt like she might be coming down with something.  After a while, D2 and I went in to say hi to Mommy, but my wife was pretty cold, especially to D2.

I worry that my wife may be starting another depressed cycle, perhaps due to her internal turmoil.  I now finally realize that I can't "save" her from it, so I just need to give her space and be careful not to "reward" her for apparently not feeling well.  Her behaviors of watching TV for most of the day, part of it in bed, is nothing new.  What changes over time is the reason why.

I especially worry about the effect that all this may have on our D2.  I really appreciate the great advice that several of you have given me here over the past few months.  I will continue to be here for D2 as much as I possibly can.  This has partially contributed to my underperforming at work, but D2 is worth it (although I still feel some resentment towards my wife, I feel none of it towards D2).  I often spend evenings and weekends with D2 almost exclusively since my wife withdraws to do her own thing (usually watch TV, sometimes read, surf the web, or shop online).  Then today after breakfast, I took my D2 out for a long walk to run several errands.  And I tell her often that I love her and always will (Yeeter, I think I borrowed that last part from you).

I love the time I get to spend with D2.  But I worry about her mother's effects on her.  Although I'm sure she will get some "fleas", I really hope they develop to no more than that.  And I still get annoyed that although my wife is supposedly the stay-at-home mom, I feel like I end up doing at least half (and often quite a bit more) of the child rearing, in addition to my full-time job and house chores that my wife doesn't want to do.  At least on the house chores, I've learned to do them more often on my own schedule, regardless of whether my wife gets annoyed.  After all, guessing the schedule that she desired rarely ever worked anyway.

I'm not sure that I have a question in any of this.  Just wanted to get it out.  Thanks for "listening".