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I'm often asking myself after one of his episodes "Well, if you feel that way today, was yesterday real because you acted like you felt the opposite yesterday."

I can't seem to wrap my head around him telling me "the last five months have been killing me" but besides a couple of blow ups, the days in between (many more good than bad) were great. So were they not great for him?  Was he pretending and always suppressing the negative?

Do BPDs act on feelings all of the time?  Are the positive feelings as real as the negative ones?  It's so hard to answer questions like "if you say you love me then why are you intending on not talking to me for a week?"  "did you mean it when you said you were sorry you were putting me through this, because now you're acting like its my fault and you're not sorry at all".  

Hello MockingbirdHL.

I understand your frustration. I've had exactly the same concerns about what is 'real' with my wife.  I think most people with BPD partners go through this.

I'm not an expert, but if it's like my wife, I suspect your husband wasn't suppressing the negative during the great days. He probably thought they were great too.  At the time.

It's a bit like mixing paint.  Mostly white, with a little bit of black, makes light grey, right?  Well, not to someone with BPD. If black was the most recent experience, a little bit of black makes it all black.  Then a little bit of white makes it all white again.

With my wife, I think the positive feelings are just as 'real' as the negative ones.  Which one you get as her partner depends on the mood she is in, and who she is talking to, and what has happened recently.   I believe she is what is usually regarded as 'high functioning', which means she can control it to some extent, and can paint a black picture when needs demand, or equally a white picture if she wants.

Maybe think of it like the weather.

Some days are sunny and calm, some windy and stormy, some days hot and humid, and some day Hurricanes.

Maybe none of it is real, or all of it is real, but it makes little difference.

Most folks have figured out they cannot do much about the weather.  Just have the clothes and gear to cope with it, or move to a nicer climate.

Just is what it is.

psss (you are trying to make sense of some crazy mental illness -- if it actually made sense to you, you would have to be crazy, too.)

Traddad and Somewhere - thanks for your responses. I want to believe that the good times are even more real than the bad because I keep telling myself that they are true reactions to the moment; the bad times seem to be rooted in the past and/or the future.

I want to believe he is away thinking this through and allowing the white back in. I'm not stupid - I know the black will be back, but I like your weather analogy Somewhere - I need the correct gear to cope with it. 

I want to scream "What about for better or worse?  I haven't even DONE any of these things you're afraid I'm going to do!"

THAT part is called "projection."

You will be accused or suspected about the things they are either thinking about or doing.

Sort of makes you "to blame" for their actions, in advance.

Upside down and twisted world once you start to get your mind around all of this.