BPDFamily.com

WOW!

After little or no contact for three weeks and her " please don't contact me again" " you need to move on" "yes i'm seeing someone---is that what you wanted to hear" email (from April 7) tonight out of the clear blue I get the following email:

Subject : This made me laugh

I hope you don't mind me sending it.

Attachment: A photo( which i"ve never seen) of me making a silly funny face while we are hugging and kissing and she appears like THE happiest woman on earth.

It is textbook BPD and SO messed up. THE worst part is I'm actually happy about it.

It feels like just a shread of [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)[/b][/url] that the relationship as I knew it actually did exist. I didn't just dream we had this awesome relationship and she still actually acknowledges it existed. OR---- Is it just a classic recycle attempt? Her sixth sense telling her he's acting different this time?. He's moving on like I told him. I must now  reel him back in.

So, what now?

1--- Reply immediately " Great pic."

2--- Do nothing. Zero response.

3--- Say "What the heck are you doing you said move on no contact".

4--- Say " See I told you we were happy together please come back lets try again" (tongue in cheek on this one)

5--- Other?

Please your suggestions are welcome and bottom line is I have NO IDEA what (if anything) I will do. I'm just Stunned. Shocked. Surprised.

Is this classic BPD behavior that will impede with my healing no matter what I do?  This S*** has been going on for almost 8 months now. Its driving me CRAZY. Help!

Chuck

#2

Someone told me once that the best response is no response, and I've come to believe this is true. 

I know what you're going through.  I just deleted all of my exBPD bf's phone messages and made the mistake of listening to some of them.  They actually made me smile and laugh, they were so cute and sweet.  It felt like no time had passed at all, and tricked my brain into thinking I should call him up for about a minute.  Then I remembered that he broke up with me by email, threw out all mementos of our relationship, and unfriended me on facebook.  So ef it.  Sometime you have to be your own best friend and advocate.

Hang in there.  Don't take any action until you're clear.

Chuck let's talk about what you're doing different this time and why. What are your thoughts?

Chuck, I think it's a good time to go back & read your other thread.  What you wrote, and what others wrote about the route out of the mire.

I don't think you have to ignore her even if you decide to be ChuckStrong and shut this down.  It makes sense to me to ignore abuse and repeated disrespect of your request for no contact.  But to this point, she first asked for NC, and you then asked her to accord you the same respect.  I don't think she's grossly out of line here, so I think it would be decent and self- and other-respecting not to act scared of her, and to explain that you need time and space to heal, and would really appreciate it if she would not reach out to you.  You can tell her you like the photo and often have things you'd like to share with her too.  But she made her decision and so you need to move forward with your life.  Be well.  End of reply.

The other option is to get back into a loop you know all too well.

You wrote that it felt good to get this because it was validating.  We all know that feeling.  But wise mind says that it is not actually validating about this r/s having meant anything in particular (not saying it didn't, just saying this contact is not evidence of that).  This contact is evidence that she doesn't like you calling the shots in any way; she wants to be in control; she drops you, she limits you, not the other way around; and also, potentially (and I'm sorry to have to say this), things are getting uncomfortably intimate with the guy she is seeing and she needs another emotional foothold and wants to be sure you are around and available to be that.

My ex reached out to his former gf in exactly that way at the very high point of our happy intimacy--a casual "hey, how are you? how are ABC important topics in your life? I'm in X city ... .  blah blah blah".  I couldn't even believe it when I found out later from a mutual friend.  I assumed then that she must have reached out to him & he just responded -- no WAY would he have initiated contact with her when we were so intensely happy.

Ha.  Three months after I requested NC, he emailed me, same kinda thing.  "how are you?  How's your sick relative?  How about XYZ topics of mutual concern? P.S. I totally understand if you don't want to reply to this."  I was so happy to see this message!  Even though I'd asked for NC.  I thought it was validating about how much he missed me, how important I was to him, blah blah blah.

Except, turns out he was in full pursuit of the ex gf just at that moment.  Tri-an-gu-la-tion.  He needed another foothold, just in case.  He cannot wholly commit himself to any one person, so despite his intense interest in her, he needed to open another front.  I wouldn't bet the farm that your ex isn't reaching out to you now to quell anxiety about her growing closeness to someone else.  Or not.  There is no way to know what it means, and it will mean something different tomorrow, or next week.

You are in the best place you can be right now with a BPDex who has informed you that the r/s is over -- moving away under your own steam and on your own terms.  If you respond, take your time, make sure it's short, mutually respectful, and firm, unless you want to get pulled right back into a very dis-empowering position with her.

"Made her laugh" as in, that's not what she feels now.  No response is the best response

#2 - what are your thoughts?

Unfortunately I see what patientandclear eluded to. In my experience as she sets the hook in the next one and proceeds with triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0), she will periodicaly check back on you to see where you are at. Deep down the closeness she is feeling with the next one scares her so she has to see where her 'saftey net' (you she hopes) is at just to give her peace of mind.

On the outside, her sending the picture is so sweet and has the desired effect of keeping you hooked in some way. The motive is more then likely not what it seems.

In my expereince when she appeared to have a small amount of clarity, or acted human, gave me a hug, told me how wonderful I was and if I had just not done that one thing (and she would bring up something silly and insignificiant) then we would be all perfect.   And on and on blah blah... .  She would leave and then later it would literally make me sick with disgust as at that very moment she had a plan in place and was acting on (cheating). She always did what you describe to my feelings as she was running into his arm. It didnt matter which guy it was (she has done the circus several times with different guys)

In a normal relationship (non BPD) her actions would mean something completely different. Her contacting you is about HER and her fears and nothing else.  I wish I was wrong but thats my gut feeling.

Take care of you and ask yourself, what do you want?

DEFINITELY #2!

One day, you won't be concerned with why she does stuff like this.  I realize that isn't today, but eventually... .  this stuff will be just like junk mail.

Is there any way you can block her emails, texts, calls, etc.  For where you are right now, looking at this stuff isn't good for you!

turtle