BPDFamily.com

 Well Hello new board! I somehow skipped over this board the entire time.   I have posted several things (on the detaching board) on my self awareness and self reflection part of the situation & I think maybe this is where I should have been posting it.  Maybe it wasn't meant for me to get here yet until now.

So since I am at a point of realization and acceptance for my unhealthy issues and roles in the relationship with ex, I am wondering does the feeling of hope ever go away?

We are not nc (co-parenting) and it is hard to watch him getting better through therapy and grow and mature.  To be honest with myself (even after everything I now know and learned and how much better I feel now) I still have the little inkling of hope.  I know we could never work, yet I don't know how to shut that off.  I wonder if that is because there is contact, or is that just something that tags along with the emotional scars, or is this just a normal cycle of detaching, healing and building a new life?

Hi, changingtimes!     I felt the same way when I began posting on this board not too long ago.  I am very happy here.  I feel supported, encouraged, and accepted.  I hope you have a good experience here.

I did not leave my xNPDh until I felt like an ashtray holding a heap of crushed cigarette butts deposited by him.  I am benefiting from therapy.   As I feel better, hope for a decent relationship with my former husband occasionally sprouts.  (Like you, we have children.)  When I have not cautioned my hope, I have inadvertently exposed myself to pain and its associated furry when I feel blindsided by his behavior, yet again. 

What helps me the most is to ask myself what I can expect from him based on the historical evidence of our relationship.  I am far less likely to be blindsided when I maintain expectations that reflect why I left him.

I do not think hope is inappropriate, as long as I am not setting myself up for new trauma.  I believe miracles can  happen.  But I am not going to hold my breath!

Warm regards!

I believe in miracles too (with all things); maybe that is the problem.  I do have more logical talks with myself when I am feeling that way, but like I said it is still there. I wonder if that ever dissipates. 

This is a great trait to have - hope - people with hope are generally happier and more resilient to stress.  However, with BPD we must keep the facts in mind - this is where Radical Acceptance comes into play.

Radical Acceptance means we are realistic an in the moment.  Hope tends to be in the future. 

You married him, you have a child together, it is safe to say you loved him - hope falls into the bargaining phase of the grief process, it is normal and not a linear process.  Keep focused on the facts and stay in the now as you continue to detach and grieve.

Peace,

SB

Will do, thank you for your words of wisdom

thanks for that.

After a long angry period, I'm beginning to 'soften' in my feelings.  This quote is helpful because the facts are that his actions have caused great pain, his words great confusion even if I do feel that the actions and words stem from his own pain and confusion.  I need to hold on to the facts as i continue to detach and grieve.


I read this post earlier and I was thinking about 'hope' during the day, realised that the past months have been the first in a very long time that I have not had hope for the relationship (he's about to marry someone he's dated for a short time but the hope had gone before I knew about her). 

My hopes were about the future - the good times giving me a glimpse of what I thought our relationship could be.  But being 'realistic in the moment' means accepting this is not going to happen.  In 'this moment', I am dealing with the fallout of his latest attempt to feel better.