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My mother is a BPD alcoholic in her 50's.  I went NC four years ago.  I'm in college now, and have always felt very nervous around my favorite professors.  I've always wondered why that was, and had always described the feeling as being "star-struck."  I think I figured it out.

Today at a class potluck, my professor offered to have me sit in on a summer class without enrolling solely so that I could learn.  She mentioned that she'd love to swap recipes after having had the cornbread I brought to the potluck.  These things may sound small, but it was direct proof that she likes me, and sees me as a person and as someone that she could be friends with, rather than a student that she's obligated to interact with.  

I'm always terrified that the people I look up to are not going to like me, will disapprove of me, and I suppose ultimately, abandon me.  Suddenly, it clicked today.  My first role model was my mother.  I loved her with everything I had, and above all, wanted to be like her.  I was brought up for this exact purpose: to love and idolize her, no matter what.  Whenever I faltered in that respect, I was considered a failure of a daughter.  I spent years trying to help her, covering her mental illness and addiction from the world.  My mother ceased to be a parent when I was 16, but I left two years later, only when I realized that she was dragging my life down with her own.  

I realized today that I'm nervous and intimidated by my favorite professors because I'm terrified that they'll let me down, just like my mother did.  It all clicked somehow, and I'm floored by it.  

It's been 4 1/2 years since I ran away from her house, and I'm still uncovering ways win which her methods of parenting have warped my worldview.  It's discouraging, because if I work from what I have, it means that I'll keep uncovering new issues.  For how long, who knows?

Have any of you all found this, that people you look up to scare you?  

I know that feeling quite well. I've been lucky enough to have some very positive role models, both professionally and in my personal life, and what has scared me is the thought that I'll let them down, or they'll move on.


Your mother didn't have the capability to love you in the way that a nurturing parent would. That's not your fault and it doesn't mean that you're a failure. It means that you couldn't have fixed her, even though I know you wanted to (and may still want to).

Not everyone is like your mother, though. Forming bonds with other people is what we're supposed to do as humans. Given what you (and I) have been through, it's normal that you're afraid to form deep relationships, because your mother abandoned you.

It sounds like this professor is reaching out to you. How can you capitalize on that and still feel safe? Do you think you could meet her for coffee or in a less intimidating atmosphere? What has helped me to safely bond with my professional role models is to get to know them as people, either through having lunch or chatting with them at the water cooler.

You really summed up a lot of my conflicted feelings about college. I was in a performing arts conservatory, with a fairly high level of pressure. I over attached to some very, very cruel/kind narcissistic professors. Think... .  Simon Cowell types, but worse. There was a high level of perfectionism and outright degradation. Their philosophy was "We're going to utterly break you in the studio so you don't choke in public."

I was trying to find my way out from my family on a grand scale. I was trying to avoid going home. I was terrified I didn't belong there, that I was a fraud for being accepted, and was trying to win the approval of everyone. Being in an environment where I was only rewarded for 200% commitment was NOT healthy. I came in feeling panicked, like I had to deliver 300% just to not be a fraud.

There was one teacher in particular who made me his pet project, and made point of being kind/cruel to me 'for my own good'. He was trying to find my breaking point, so he could push me past it. I understand his method, but it was not a healthy pairing right after leaving my immensely dysfunctional home.  There was a lot of tormented, projected family drama that showed itself as desperation to prove myself to him.  That guy was like... .  the symbolic person for everyone I was trying to win over, and I was the token proof that he could turn out quality students.  It took me a long time to pinpoint why our working relationship was so tormented, and accept the level of projection I was exhibiting.

I'd consider us still friendly, but we're not friends. He only exists in that academic environment (by his choice). Whatever bizarre antagonistic relationship we had going on there did not extend into real life. I mostly just got burned out. I built a lot of stronger, more genuine, and longer lasting relationships with other classmates.

Hi Katherine,

I can relate to your story, the fear of abandonment or disapproval is very common in children of BPD parents. When I look at myself I to this day often still have the feeling that good things probably won't last because that's what life was like for me growing up. For years I was desperately seeking the approval of others, basically looking for the love I wasn't getting at home but I didn't realize it. I was actually re-enacting the family dynamics with other people but I didn't see it at the time.

I understand how this whole process can be discouraging, you'll experience ups and downs but I do believe things can and will get better for ya. It's an ongoing process, most of us will have to keep working on it, but we can do a lot of healing.

Thanks you guys, you're totally right.  It's good to see that I'm not the only one who has a tough time dealing with these types of relationships.

GeekyGirl:  It took me years to see it, but you're right, the issue is that however it was that my mom loved me, it wasn't like how other parents love their kids.  My older sister still hasn't wrapped her head around that, and while it's painful, I hope she does soon.  I know now at least that there was a reason that she didn't care for me the way she should have; she just wasn't capable of doing that.  I'm going to try to relax more around people that I look up to, and try to stop putting them on a pedastal the way that I used to with my mom.

XL: I can see how you would have gotten caught up with a role model like that.  I', thankful to have found a professor who challenges me while also supporting me, rather than cutting me down.  I'm glad that you found your way out of that toxic relationship.

Kwamina:  That's exactly my issue- approval.  I have a hard time when it comes to needing approval from everyone, and in having a tough time believing it when I get it.  I always worry that my professors don't actually like me, or don't think I'm very smart, or are only being nice because they have to be nice to students.  Until recently, I didn't even realize how odd that was.  I was projecting all of the fears that my mother used to make me feel onto my professors.  I'm hoping that it will be easier to cut down on that behavior now that I've recognized that it's there.

Sometimes it feels like I'll never stop finding new ways that my relationship with my mom has messed with my world-view.  It's frustrating.

I know. The trick is to change how you see yourself. That's a lot easier said than done! :)

It's funny... .  I went to lunch with my boss today (one of my role models) and we were discussing one of my newer employees and how he reminded me of how I was about 10 years ago (a pushover) and how experience will toughen him up. My boss said, "I could see that. You're a kind person." The old me would have said, "Really? You think so?" but the more experienced me said, "I know... .  I really think he'll be great in a few years." It's tough to do, but you have to be able to accept that sometimes people see the good in you vs. how you've been conditioned to see yourself.