BPDFamily.com

Hi,

My H is suggesting that he's not BPD, that the horrific way he acted towards me (and sometimes others) in our 4 yrs marriage was a way of punishing me for lack of sex. Is it possible that borderline traits come to the surface because of sexual frustration in a man? He said that he would consciously withdraw from me everything that he thought was making me happy just to punish me for not providing sex.  

I must mention that I was afraid of getting pregnant, not motivated enough to use OC, or something else and it went down from there. I was also not feeling attracted to him because of his bizarre behavior. I saw him as a consequence not a source of joy. I felt like having an empty soul as my partner, not providing any real intimacy.

We're separated for 6 months now, he's apologizing for his rants and rages and the person he's become, he's clingy and desperate and all that, but said it was all because of the fact he was sexual frustrated. Is that possible?

I'm thinking that if we get back together and try to be more intimate, more sex, the BPD traits will go away? Is that possible? I guess I don't care about my needs being met just for him to shut up and let me breath. I know that's not healthy but this is the stage I'm finding myself in. Sorry if this sounds stupid. I really need some help

Hi justofme27

I can relate to the ongoing withdrawing from both side: You are feeling not attracted to him bc of his bizarre behavior and he could be probably get triggered by thinking no sex means no love and therefore abandonment.

This circle is not easy to break.

About punishing: This is a  red-flag in my eyes. In a healthy rs we can speak about the own feelings. We don't punish each other. Did he ever said to you that he would like to have more sex? Did he said he missed it? Could you share about your worries about getting pregnant?

So you are on to something but it is not just a simple bc-of-me-he-does-issue, I would say. Does this makes some sense?

Hi justmef27 ... .  it seems like your H is taking little responsibility for his behaviour in the marriage and is laying the blame squarely at your door... .  

Ok so now he is apologising as you are seperated and he feels desperate... .  how about when you were together?... .  Did he aknowledge how destructive it was then?... .  Was there a significant attempt on his part to address his bizzare behaviour (could you elaborate on what kinds of things upset you about the way he acted?)... .  

I can understand why he may feel frustrated at a lack of sexual intimacy... .  and I can also appreciate why you would feel unwilling to be intimate when his behaviour was strange... .  

Punishing you is an incredibly childish response... .  did you both attempt to talk about this issue?... .  

BPD is a very serious disorder... .  the symptoms can be exacerbated by external stressors which promote very heightened and intense emotions in the sufferer... .  but that doesn't make it all your fault!... .  

So he wants you to change your behaviour... .  then everything will be ok in the relationship and he will act pleasantly towards you... .  does this seem reasonable... .  or feasible to you?... .  

regards... .  Newton

Thank you with all my heart for your thoughts. You are so spot on even though I provided so little detail about the situation. I'm impressed.

Surnia, you sure made me think, no, there wasn't any real communication between us because i saw he was limited somehow. I couldn't put my finger on it. I will reiterate later.

No Newton,  H would yell at me for not doing "the normal", he was comparing me with other people. I'm successful, way more than him, but that didn't count in his eyes. He was acting like a copycat. Questioning his friends about their marriages and then he was yelling at me for not being like other wifes. He was trying to oblige me to cater to his needs by making me feel bad for being the person that I was. All that I loved, all that I stood for was garbage to him because I did not cater to his sexual needs.

Oghh, it's so hard being undecided, I don't know if I'm willing to give it a go and see if more sex would improve his behavior and even if it will I don't know if I can let go of the past. I also think it is not true love that we share, it is more of an unhealthy pattern we have developed.

I've red so much about recycling and everything on these boards but somehow I'm lost. I mean after 6 months, I recharged my batteries so to speak and I could give it one more try but I'm scared.

I know it would be devastating if the outcome of one more recycling would be bad but also I know I would regret not trying to see if that's the real problem: sexual frustration. H claims it is.

Is this aggressivity, selfishness, vilification of me, disturbed thinking, rigidity, passive aggressive and all that, a result of not getting a physiological need met or it is just lack of character? How can I tell?

H keeps telling me that all men are aggressive when sexual frustrated. He wanted so bad intimacy but he thought to get it by punishing me for not providing. Does that make any sense?

How do I find out if that what he is claiming is true without getting back together again first?

I didn't have another rs to compare. I don't know how I would be with another man, what sexual drive would I have, I have it in general, but H kind of killed it:)Thank you for being here.

If he has BPD then having sex with him on a regular basis will not make it go away.

I think some BPD's use sex as a soothing mechanism but when he rages on you for other stuff it is not going to make you feel like soothing him with sex... .  so I don't think it will help long-term.

justmef27 I appreciate you are conflicted about what to do... .  it's reasonable to expect that if his behaviour was like this before... .  it will be again if he has made no attempt to address his issues during your separation... .  

I'm going to rubbish one of his sentences straight away... .  not ALL men get aggressive when sexually frustrated... .  that is simply bs and he is attempting to excuse his poor behaviour (and it's an example of black/white thinking ie/ alls or nothings)... .  some men get aggressive, others may have affairs, and some may sit down with their partner and calmly talk about things or suggest couples councilling... .  

Lets assume for one minute that he is correct... .  that all his frustration and anger (and subsequent poor behaviour towards you) stems from a lack of intimacy... .  and if only you would give him what he wants... .  everything would be fine and rosy with the world... .  

Doesn't this sound a little like a child stamping it's feet and screaming to get a toy/candy/cuddles etc... .  

Is that the sort of dynamic you want to have in your relationship?... .  

Many of us here have enabled our partners poor behaviour by giving in to their needs without expressing our own and sticking to our values (or deciding what they are in the first place with stronger boundaries!)... .  

When we have given in to their latest set of demands of "If only you change THIS about yourself we will be happy" (I have so many letters I could show you)... .  a few weeks or months down the line the behaviour re-surfaces and new demands appear... .  

It's important you determine what YOU want from a relationship before you go back to this one and attempt to compromise your happiness in order to fix it... .  

Hi everybody, thank you for being here 

I guess I'm accustomed to H behaving like a child and making excuses for him. But, this childish behavior is sprinkled with malice. I wouldn't mind him being childish in a sweet way. But he has the emotional maturity of a child and the weapons to hurt you of an adult.

I'm blaming myself for not being nice enough to him. He knows that when I married him I didn't really loved him. My rescuer/fixer personality came into play. I thought he was the happiest man alive for just having me. And I thought his happiness would bring me joy. Except that he wasn't as happy as I thought he would be "for having me", his frustrations and resentments gathered and eventually touched the sealing.

And I comforted myself into thinking that everybody around us think something like " well, they're so unfit for each other, such poor match but they look happy" because I wasn't moving an eyebrow when he was having his baby tantrums in public. I kept acting like nothing had happened, like I forgive him everything because in private he's the best husband.

It all blew up when I kicked him out 6 months ago. Now everybody knows that it wasn't all rosy and nice between us like me/we struggled to appear. I read somewhere that when you have the feeling of holding on to a secret regarding the r/s or marriage and hoping that nobody knows the real deal between you two, it's an abusive r/s.

Maybe it's in my power to stop this crazy dance, this "folie a deux" by not only trying to be more intimate, more sex, more support, but also using the validation and all the tools I've read about in the workshops.

I feel I can somehow learn to love this man not only piety him and thinking of him like a human being not a puppy that needs feeding and hoping that he'll just shut up and  not screw up my day by saying or doing something inappropriate.

During our marriage I focused on the same  red-flag I chose to ignore (break up/make up cycle, the intensity of his emotions was addictive)  when we were dating. And that's how my marriage became a consequence of my poor self worth (I know us non's have a problem too for accepting r/s with these disturbed people).

I could not stop to see my self like a failure for recycling the r/s and not having the courage to end it before it lead to marriage.

So, as you can see, I do have my issues. Sorry for venting. Thank you for giving me perspective on things.

This is exactly my situation, except I am 12 years ahead of you in the marriage... .  with 17 years behind me. Please do not think that you can fix this by giving him more sex. It may work temporarily... .  but at some point you will default to being "human" again and not be able to meet his demands and the cycle of his bizarre behavior/lack of attraction begins again. Trust me, I have lived it. Over and over. I have lived with "all of our problems are your fault because you don't give me enough sex" for years and now I am done. One of the criteria for BPD is addiction. I never thought as my husband as a sex addict until I read an article on this website. Wow did he fit that criteria and I bet your husband does too.

Oh... .  and giving in to sex so he'll be nice to you? I have done this before and always felt like crap afterwards. Then he would rage that "I didn't really enjoy it... .  why don't I find him attractive... .  am I really a lesbian... .  blah blah blah."

You are out of that situation. Please stay out and don't get sucked back in thinking it is your fault. Feel free to message me if you want to talk about this more. I have been there done that.

I am sorry to say that I have been Married to my UBPDW for nearly 45 years.  The last 36+ years have been with her Total refusal of any sort of Intimacy, not even holding hands.  I have been very understanding for the last 36 years, but I need to have a few needs met.  So NO, IT IS NOT NORMAL OR EVEN EXPECTED FOR HIM TO BECOME A PWBPD FROM YOUR REFUSAL OF SEX, and especially when he has abused you creating this refusal.  You have every right to refuse intimacy when abuse has been hurting you.  Any Normal Woman, in my understanding is emotionally turned off, especially sexually by abusive and bizzar behaviors. 

     Do you have a Therapist?  Do you want or need to continue with a Relationship full of RED FLAGS? 

     I am having my own issues with leaving as I just discovered BPD and Codependence 2.5 years ago.  It is not so easy to leave her with three grown sons and grandchildren.  I know how it feels to be sexually frustrated.  I have been for over 36 years but! I have NEVER CHEATED, and she is my one and only woman I have ever had sex with.  I am especially frustrated now since I hurt my Right Arm!

Art

Thank you Mrshyde, Artman.1  and everybody else here,

I appreciate so much the fact that you posted on my topic. I was thinking today what it would be like to get to know each other in real life... .  I think we could chatter for days and our stories would be so similar... .  I have not decided if that is scary or comforting:)

I'm sorry Art, it must have been terrible for you all these years. Again, I don't know what's more upsetting: not knowing what it is or knowing but having to decide one way or another. This uncertainty of what to do next is killing me. I agree that knowledge is power but the responsibility of knowing this is just overwhelming.

H comes everyday to my house: one day he's being nice and next day he's giving me attitude. I guess I'm hoping for him to keep his position of wanting me back even if I react cold to him. But he's not because his fear of rejection kicks in. He gets upset and starts "the speech" as I call it. And after listening to him for a few minutes or hours I get deasy and I get a headache.   


When I pointed out to him that his behavior was wierd before marriage he said it was from the same reason: sexual frustration. So, I guess he was sexually frustrated from the day he was born



I expect him to say those words to me, by now he has made a reproach that when we did have sex I was not kissing him. Imagine that, he's coming to me to bag me to take him back, gives me an explanation for the malicious treatment of me (sexual frustration), and all of the sudden he's turning the blame on me even more by telling me how bad he was feeling because I didn't kiss him during sex.

Tks mkrshyde I will look for material on sex addiction. There was a lot on your plate too... .  These harsh words would definetly destroy a bond of affection between spouses. It's amazing they don't realize this or choose not to.

I don't have a T, neither does H.  And under these circumstances I'm pressed by so many factors into taking him back and give it a try... .  

justmef,

Glad you are getting some answers.  Just some thoughts: I tend not to believe that the sex was the issue, at most, he didnt want to feel responsible for meeting your needs in the relationship which made you hesitant its one of those no win situations.

When you said " keeps telling me that all men are aggressive when sexual frustrated." I am female, and I get frustrated from him withholding sex all of the time.  It's not only about sex, its about the relationship, both men and women (as art described) seek intimacy- which may or may not include sex- so what he is telling you is "Im only this way because of you and your choices, if you come around to my way of thinking, give me what I want, our relationship will flourish"

Only you can decide, but dont put yourself out there too far because if he pulls the carpet from underneath you when you're reconnecting with you, you may feel unloved, undesireable, BPD's (most) really never think of their partners especially with sex in a LTR, its usually on their terms.

Think about what you want, what you are comfortable with.  I just dont think you need to take blame for him not being intimate with you in a zillion other healthy ways.

Tks Whereisthezen... .  good point. It truly feels like a no win scenario.

Our problem is lacking of real intimacy and as you said, it can be achieved in a zillion other healthy ways. For normal people it's doable... .  

I cried my ass off today thinking what to do and it's scary to feel like I failed either way: if I take him back and if I don't. It's because I let this r/s happen in the first place. I wish it would have never existed :'(

BPD's have a way of sucking you into their drama by getting you to lose focus on what's important to you, how you want your life to be and just to go with the flow. You think: I don't really like it, I don't really want this but since I'm in... .  I'll just go with it. The FOG is taking over.

e.g My H always played the piety card on me: ":)on't you see that I'm already old ? (at 22 yrs ) I'm getting bold and growing a big belly? Who would want me? You have to marry me now, you played with my feelings all these years. You kept me from developing a r/s with someone who would love me more.

So, stuff like that kept me from seeing things objectively, to wonder if that was what I really wanted or even if that was healthy motivation. I felt guilty for ruining his life and therefore I had to pay.

Who knew that it would all turn on me eventually: " I regret the day I married you! If it weren't for my mother whose sick and I don't want to cause her more pain I would divorce you in an instance. Don't you see how you are? What other men would endure a life with you like I did? You think others are as good as me? You think another man could possibly want you?"

After the breakup: " You destroyed my life. You have to take me back! Even if you take me back my life is destroyed. But you have to, there is no other option!"

And that's how we end up on these boards thinking "What was I thinking? Why didn't somebody stop me?" 

I could have written your first post word for word. 

Especially this part
Pretty hard to want to get closer to a person who purposely hurts and punishes.

Boundaries and letting him show you his consistent improvement with the bare bones basics might help.  Someone who's stuck blaming and not taking personal responsibility for their part shows little capacity for authentic change.

Maybe counseling and reunification therapy is in order to help sort through this.  Knowing, articulating and upholding your values is essential with a person like this.

My experience when I did that though led to the real end so is I'd be prepared to walk.

I am sorry you are going through this. My uBPDexh also said such things to me. I now know that it is abusive and crazy making.

It is not your fault. You did not cause his behaviors.

Been there. My girlfriend has BPD, and we've lived together for three years. After moving in together, the "abuse" started, with her screaming at me over any little thing I or she did wrong. I started to get depressed and completely lost my sex drive for a very long time, and her behavior got worse as a result. She ended up sleeping with a coworker after she got drunk about six months ago, then didn't tell me for five months. She completely blamed me for the whole thing, saying that I made her feel unattractive and unwanted. She failed to see why I couldn't be affectionate or loving toward her, and how she had created that situation.

Working out why on earth we are settling for sixth or seventh best... .  when number one (ok... .  number two   ) is waiting out there for us is surely more important than obsessing about why number 6 or 7 can't provide what we need or want... .  

Questioning why we are hoping they will, someday... .  and being realistic about if they ever could... .  is essential... . |iiii

FOG can keep us blind... .  we become uncomfortably comfortable in our victim state... .  and we fear change, loss and potential loneliness... .  

"Better the devil you know"... .  really?... .