BPDFamily.com

As many of you will know, I'm doing really well and am largely healed

But the pull that comes with the silent treatment or being painted black can be a mysterious one. I can go days without caring about the break up; justice; name clearing; answers. But then out if nowhere I will have a day like today - when the pain can be intense and emotions raw.

These feelings come in waves... .  Every 8 weeks or so

Fortunately, my exBPD was so disgusting at the end that I won't yield to these urges or break NC

I can hear the faked boredom... . The sarcasm... . The sighs and that is enough to stop me acting on them.

But when do the urges finally stop completely?

What more can I be doing to end these kinds of days for good?

Thx

Bb12

Hi BB12

Do you mean the urges to contact? Or do you mean the raw emotions?

Do both things come together?

Hi Maria

The urge to make contact

I still sit in a state of disbelief - despite what I know of PDs now - that someone who was such a big part of my life can discard me like that and never communicate again

So yeah, it is I who want to make contact... . To better understand the how!

These days where the urges are strong really mess with my head and make me feel I have made little progress at all!

Bb12

I think it's difficult to let go of it altogether. The thing is that the relationship was real wasn't it? As much as it was an abusive relationship much of it was good and you loved him. Maybe it's accepting that and letting it go that's hardest of all?

As much as it helps to see the damage it caused I think you just have to accept and keep going. It's like accepting that he is dead, only he isn't. That's harder than anything.

For me I chose a different approach and this is only for me- I am very aware that this is me and very few on here believe or get this BUT I needed LC to detach, just as I needed to try the odd cigarette to remind me that I didn't want to smoke. It isn't worth the risk for most people and I certainly don't advocate it but seeing my ex always reminds me that he is just a sad disordered person that I don't want a relationship with. In my head with NC he turned into somebody else altogether. I didn't have enough abuse to remember so I needed the reality of who he is to help me detach. Just as I needed the odd cigarette and over time they tasted more and more disgusting. Now I would probably never even puff on a cigarette and haven't for years.

This may make no sense so please ignore if it doesn't. People in longer NC may be more help to you here

Thanks Maria

That actually makes perfect sense and I'm glad it worked for you

For me LC is not an option. He simply won't communicate with me

So I go to all the awful stuff... .  The sh!t list... .  To remind me how disordered he is

But being someone of integrity, I just hate being hated and that urge I talked about is the desire for something nearing civility. Just never had such an illogical end before where I am the bad one and never to be thought of again

Am off the crest if this particular wave so on the upside I have 8 more weeks of living my new life without dwelling on this as much

X

Bb12

Well, being idealised isn't much better really. It's all utterly disordered thinking and not based in reality- just a way of disordered coping. But I can imagine it feels pretty horrible when it bites. It was real and that's why he's made you so bad.

Guess you just have to keep on through those bad days and look for validation that you are worth it from inside you. Because you really are worth so so much more and the more you believe that the less those days will get to you. I think mindfulness always helps with all of it.

I started a meditation class!

I have to treat myself like an addict, like that of alcohol or cigarettes. If anybody of any significance starts pulling stuff that frightens or confuses me, I call them out immediately. If they are so cowardly as to not face me, then THEY are the chicken sh!ts with the problem.

There are people who are so cowardly, that they will never give you closure. You won't discuss this after my attempts to do so  are thrarted, fine, you are history. Period.

See BB12 normal people communicate and want to resolve misunderstandings. Little brats get stuck in magical thinking, and the more we enable it, the more we enable their damage. I am sorry he is so atrocious with his baby like behavior. It must really suck to have lost you as a companion. pity him.

Maria, you will dig meditation. Good job.

What you feel is very normal.

Time - it takes time and patience - no magic cure really.  Radical Acceptance of this fact can help us stay the course.

What part of you wants to contact her?  Looking at your own emotions during those times can help you process the unresolved emotions that tie you to wanting to talk to her.  Many people reconnect because they are lonely and hurting and look to the pwBPD as a short term fix.  Others are angry and know that the pwBPD will give them a good fight... .  looking for someone who is mentally ill to relieve any of our unresolved feelings is not really a healthy or ideal way to process these feelings.

With time (and tears) you won't want to contact her... .  My impulse to contact my ex is very rare - and directly tied to when something in my life isn't turning out how I want so anger is the trigger.

Good question BB12

See BB12 normal people communicate and want to resolve misunderstandings. Little brats get stuck in magical thinking, and the more we enable it, the more we enable their damage. I am sorry he is so atrocious with his baby like behavior. It must really suck to have lost you as a companion. pity him.

Thanks for this Mary 

Thanks again everyone

SB / Mary - some great advice in there

Time really has been the main player in my recovery. Would love to say it has been something else: an epiphany; the penny dropping.

But it really has just been a hard slog made a tiny bit easier with the support of friends and this forum and TIME

And you're right. I think my own loneliness can be a bigger contributor to the ruminations than I had realised. Even some of the reading on codependency confirms that obsession (negative fantisation... .  love that expression!) is nothing more than a coping defense learned at a young age to distract us from our feelings. So yeah - loneliness and shame (at being discarded like a broken toy) are at the heart of it.

And maybe some anger... .  that I hadn't realised was in there

And as you say Maria... .  get to a point where knowing what they are trying tell us with this hurtful behaviour is not right. Not correct. That's where self-worth and self-esteem comes in. And if I'd had those in supplier when I met this person, they would have never stood a chance. So I need to build those up... .  for a better future

|iiii

bb12