BPDFamily.com

Does anyone else ever feel like sometimes they would love to act like their PWBPD?  Sometimes when I'm in a grumpy mood, I would love to just let it all out... .  scream at people who annoy me, yell at people to get out of my way, and just say (or scream) whatever is on my mind with no regards to other people's feelings... .  lots of times WITH NO REGRETS LATER ON!

I know pwBPD are suffering from their own demons, but sometimes I have to admit that I'm jealous of their inability to feel remorse and embarrassment.  They get to act anyway they want to in order to make themselves feel better.  They don't care what others think of them, they don't see the pain the cause everyone around them, and their moods dictate the lives of those around them... .  pwBPD is in a good mood, everyone's in a good mood... .  pwBPD is in a bad mood, everyone's day is ruined.  It must be nice to have so much power over everyone.

Thing is , however, is that they would lose their mind... .    What I believe to be one of their favorites... .  I can do it to you but don't you dare do it to me... .  

" What I believe to be one of their favorites... .  I can do it to you but don't you dare do it to me... .  "

And that double standard applies to almost everything for a BPD.

^^^ This.

I can't stand the hypocrisy.

I can't stand it so much that I actually do act like the pwBPD. I admit it. Sometimes I go through a phase where I feel the best defense is a good offense.

She has told me she consciously know what she's doing during most of her tirades. And I'm not always in a place where I can continually validate someone who is mean enough to hit you below the belt. So sometimes purposefully yell twice as loud using the same techniques she uses on me. I will find an area of weakness and I will hit it verbally repeatedly until she stops.

At that point she switches to being the victim. I try very hard not to switch into consoling her. It's not easy for me. Instead, I tell her what I did and that I know she does it to me. I will explain an event where she did, and at that point she tells me she doesn't remember doing it.

What I do isn't right, I'm not condoning it, and I feel guilt and shame about it. I'm the hypocrite now. But at this phase of my emotional development, I feel bullies need to be hit back twice as hard as they hit you. I see how she runs over her other "friends", senses weakness and further humiliates them. I'm too stubborn for that. It takes everything I have, but it buys me a few weeks of boundaries.

Again, this is not mature or correct behavior on my part. I am working on better tools.

Yes, the double standards work on so many different levels.

Lately my wife has asked her mother to stay over at our house for several days in a row, at several occasions. And I'm fine with that really. The thing that bugs me is that my wife has painted my parents black - and I can't see that they are any worse than her own mother really. They are all old, and some things they say/do maybe you just have to accept - but my wife seems to think they have something against her personally, when in reality they have never said anything bad about her, and have helped us out a lot.

This also applies to friends. The people I know are easily painted black, but I'm required to meet all kinds of people she knows - and I've never once said no to having her friends over for dinner, or going to visit them.

It bothers me, because she has had it very easy with these things, while I have to constantly be on guard when she meets my parents for example, if they say/do something wrong I will hear about it from my wife later in the evening. Exhausting.

This isn't a healthy way to live. Yes, being around someone who is happy is uplifting, and being around someone who is miserable is depressing but... .  Ultimately we are the ones who are choosing our own moods and whether or not we stick around for mud flinging. It's really hard to learn when and how to walk away, but it really does put us back in control of our days! I have found that the skills I've learned on this site have helped a lot with making me feel more emotionally independent and have helped me to 'stop the bleeding' with my pwBPD. :)

I think if we really want to be in relationships that are 'fair' in the traditional sense, we should be carefully examining why we're in a r/s with a pwBPD. These people have a mental illness, it really isn't fair to expect them to behave or think the same ways we do. Radical acceptance.

Your question and many of the replies hit home.  My uBPDw also paints my mom black, and interactions always lead to some kind of episode - it may be weeks later, but it comes. WRT 'acting out', I went through a phase about 18 months ago where I began to be more aggressive, breaking a chair and some favorite glassware to maybe gain a more equal position on the 'crazy' scale in the midst of the late night rages.  It didn't take long to realize that fighting 'fire with fire' was more harmful to me than to her!  It's just not something you can fake - I have remorse to a degree she does not.  This process actually led me to find a more constructive approach  - after which I realy began to dig and found about about BPD as an explanation for her actions. Now it is trying to educate myself, setting boundaries and trying to defuse early on when I see trouble coming.   

Starting to act like your pwBPD? That's fleas! my-issues Don't want those. Very itchy. And the more you scratch, the worse it all gets. Best avoided.

(fleas = traits/behaviours we pick up from our pwBPD. Comes from the old adage: If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas)

maryy16, sometimes I do feel like I want to act like them.

And then I remind myself this will not only make things worse, it will make me feel much, much worse, because he'll "make me pay" (double standards and the like).

So I don't.  But in my mind sometimes I would like to have this double standard work in my favour for once!

In theory, this sounds inviting.  But setting aside the unhealthiness of it all, I don't know that I could implement it.  I care how my actions affect others.  I'm too "fair" to impose double standards on people.  And honestly, I don't think I'm creative enough to arrive at the "blame shifting" concoctions my H comes up with.  But I do enjoy a good yell once in awhile!  Just partook (is that a word?) in one of those yesterday.  my-issues

  Daylily

It would never work, you are all right.  I can never fight back.  When I've tried, he would respond with violence or say I am acting crazy.  Or he just gets dirty--too dirty.  ALl of the F---- You's and the I Hate You's.  They can't even SEE the double standards.  But I once read a book that concluded with "You can have power, or you can have love, but you can't have both.  And I choose love."  I choose love, too.  I have daydreamed about the pleasure I would take in fighting back, but love isn't about fighting back.  It's just ego stuff, and if it was really so bad that you wanted to leave the person--still you don't need to fight back.  Just wait for a calm in the storm and quietly leave.  I'm at an age where I'm over the drama.  I just take my issues up a different way, at a different time.  The kids and I deserve peace.