BPDFamily.com

Hi Family

Long story short. My uBPD fiancee ended our relationship during October 2011. We got back in touch with each other during Feb 2012 and we went through many recycles and various other traits of BPD relationships until the beginning of this year. During February I explained to her that I was exhausted, mentally and physically, tired of the lies and the broken promises and that I no longer wanted to 'play'. She flew into a rage and said 'don't ever contact me again'

2 weeks after her rage I started to receive phone calls from 'private' numbers, 'unknown' numbers, from her own mobile phone and from her old mobile phone number... .  I've not responded to any... .  but it's so tough.

My question is why? why the phone calls? I know it's all about them and it's perhaps her way of letting me know she is about. She's in a new relationship now which makes it even more difficult to understand... .  why is she calling me and not concentrating on her new love?

In some ways the phone calls give me a lift... .  thinking that she cares about me or is missing me... .  selfish of me to feel this way I guess and I know deep down she perhaps doesn't care or miss me.

I find it strange that she calls but doesn't leave a text message or a message on my answer machine.

Any of your thoughts would be great. I'm fearful of a recycle attempt but would sometimes love to answer her calls.

Zack

Hi Zack,  this is kind of similar to what I went thru last week with my ex.  We haven't spent much time together outside of work (so NC is almost impossible) - but we had actually had 3.5 days of no drama and getting along so I had expressed interest in seeing each other Thursday evening... .  well, like clockwork something at work made his paranoia kick in (I laughed at something with another coworker, and by something I mean I laughed because an 8 year old boy took 10 cookies and ate them all at our Bring Your Child to Work Day... .  ) -so he of course accused me of inappropriately flirting (and he managed to insist I was flirting with someone who was not even in the conversation... .  ) - so after work as we talked on the phone and I heard about how he can't deal with me and all the ways I have thrown myself at men and then ended the convo by telling him I was hurt by him and going to the gym, what does he do?  He stalked me at the gym!   

Of course I didn't know about that until 4am the next morning when he started texting asking me how my workout was, making sure I said it was good, and then accusing me of lying because apparently he didn't do a good job in his stalking effort as he didn't see my car... .  now it was packed that night, but my car was right there in front of the gym... .    he only stopped when I told him to just call the gym,my fingerprint identification sign in proves I was there... .   

Why on earth would he push me away (over yet another imaginary flirtation) and then go on to stalk me?    It's a control issue for them.   It truly makes no sense but she's probably calling to see if you are still there.  If you are out doing something with someone else.   And yes, it does show they care... .  but it's less about caring and more about control I think... .  

I'm interested to hear what other replies are on this... .   

Hi Take2

I think you're right it's all about control. I was hoping for some strange reason that it was a genuine attempt to contact me, to see how I was, to say sorry... .  a foolish thought of mine I know.

This is all about having a "fall back guy".  She wants to know if you are still available, so if the new relationship crashes and burns, and it will if she is BPD, you are on tap. 

Remember, their core trauma is great fear of abandonment and being alone.

Monty

My BPD exgf always maintained that she was not big on phone calls. She'd rather text or email - no problem, I'm a pretty well-connected guy so it works for me. Though she was very hot/cold with texting (sometimes I wouldn't hear from her all day), I figured it was because she wasn't quite as connected as me - most of my texts, from clients and friends alike, get answered within minutes.

The first time she ever raged at me, she basically implied that she wanted to break up. I kept my distance, because she began with some very intense ad homenim attacks on me. Even though I offered to call and talk it out with her, she told me not to bother. No problem! So I kept my distance. Imagine my surprise when the calls started from the woman who hated using the phone... .  and they kept coming, and coming, and coming. It was an endless stream of calls and text messages; the few that I saw prior to deleting were full of venom. It was like this for nearly two weeks and I was utterly floored at her tenacity and, frankly, lack of shame. To think that she could say the awful things she said to me and that somehow I "owed" her the chance to talk, on her terms, was truly some warped thinking.

Of course, that also led to her showing up at my house twice. Once to yell at me and drop my stuff off and the other to apologize (sort of) and recycle me back in - which I fell for, hook line and sinker.