BPDFamily.com

Hi - it's been a while since I've been on these boards - I felt I was focusing too much on the BPD and it was making things worse, not better.  Good news is that overall, things with BF are mostly better.  Bad news - I'm facing a loss of funding at work, meaning my job is up for being cut, and I'm very limited in commuting abilities and in a small town jobs are limited. 

I've already sent a few applications out.  I'm doing what can be done at the moment.  Work is not going to let us know who is up for layoffs till the 15th of May.  I had a phone interview last week, but am scared they won't call me back (it seemed good cop/bad cop - one seemed to like me, the other I couldn't tell, and no faces to help).

Given the background in which I grew up, fending for myself because of my parents' dysfunctions, my main source of pride, or at least self worth, has been that I've been able to work, and mostly take care of myself.  So losing my job is really wreaking havoc with my self esteem.  Even if it's a budgetary thing, not uncommon these days, and not really any fault of my own, the idea of being out of work is making me feel kinda worthless.  It's bringing up all the nasty things I've ever been told, and making me feel they are true.  I am having a hard time at work and at home, and know I am getting depressed, and my antidepressants aren't able to keep me even.  I guess I should talk to my doc and actually set up my annual appointment while I still have insurance, but the depression is making committing to that hard.  Bleh.

At least BF is being as supportive as he can, which is saying quite a bit as I know it's hard for him to empathize.  I just needed an outlet.  Thanks.

Welcome back!

Sorry to hear about the job turmoil. I'm job hunting right now too and I know how hard that can be on the brain. I have a lot of self esteem issues tied to work as well - it makes an already stressful situation even tougher.

Okay, so bf situation is under control. You're doing what you can about finding new employment. You're looking at scheduling an appt with your doctor. This is all good! So you've taken care of some practical things - what are you doing to help manage the depression (aside from the medication)? Do you see a T? Do you have outlets for stress management? What are you doing for yourself at a personal level? And what are you doing to validate yourself? Because I know you know that you're not worthless and that your value is definitely not tied to your job. But what are you doing to convince yourself?

Hang in there isilme!

   All tough stuff~~and being depressed can slow any progress.  I'd like to encourage you to make the doctor's appointment... .  if you can get some help with the depression, it's well worth pushing yourself a bit to get it. 

It's taken me 3 years (post college graduation~~got my degree late in life, too!) to get a job and during those 3 years, I struggled tremendously with my self esteem.  I'm still struggling a bit as the job doesn't pay 1/2 of what I owe in student loans, but hey... .  it's a start and I could very well end up retiring from there so I've got to make the best of it!  I suppose I had some lessons to learn~~time had to be just right as well as my attitude. 

Here's to a better tomorrow!   |iiii

Oh man, I understand. Employment in engineering and sciences is a disaster. I too had my self esteem tied to taking care of myself financially. There were simply no jobs. It drove me to be in business for myself, because I can build, run, and manage a small business better than anybody I know, and this includes my shyster former employers. I am also a minimalist, so I keep my expensese very, very low. In order to control junk, I only buy something if I absolutely need it. So this is the good offensive and defensive strategies I use to handle financial affairs.

In this economy, you have to think outside the box. I hope this helps. I have been though destitution, near homelessness, with no food in the house before, as I do deeply understand.

Thanks for the replies - I've been homeless as a teen while still with my BPD parents (both of them mentally ill), and never want to have to go through that again. 

T is not available in my rural small town, and commuting is not an option - I am trying to "let go" more and actually share witha few friends instead of holding everything in as is my habit - I guess it's helping.  I just hate the feeling of failure and rejection that come with being laid off - not fired, but it still hurts, and make me re-hear the old 'tapes' of being told I'm worthless.

I'm trying to not let it get to me - I made that Dr. appt. the day after I posted on here, and am applying for a job right now (yeah, I'm at work, but at this point, I don't think they can blame me - I got a good review just a month back, and I doubt anyone would look down upon making sure I can still put food on the table and pay my bills.)  It's hard to write about your virtues when you're not feeling it.

BF is doing his best - I know this adds a lot of stress to him, knowing it's up to him to keep us afloat while I'm searching - for a person with BPD, that's a horrible place to be.

Add to this a year-old social obligation at the end of the month - I'm going to be a bridesmaid for the first time ever, but it's an expensive honor - and I'm not sleeping well - too much, but not well.  Trips scare me overall, especially with BF, as he does not travel well.  Whheee.   

  I don't have answers... .  but I wanted to say   and that I am hoping things will work out better than your current fears.

That and I'm really glad to hear things are going better with your BF.

 GK

Thank you.

Be very careful about taking on burdons right now. this may be a good time to erect boundaries to protect against drama and emotional pain.

I don't have any advice to add but here's a   I relate so much to your feelings right now. It's hard to take care of ourselves on normal days but when the stress piles up it gets so much worse. Sounds like you are really aware, though and that's a positive. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but it is. Take care of you and I hope you get good news on the job front soon!