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What I realized today is that needing him to "give me closure" gives him my power.  Puts my peace of mind in his hands... .  ef that!  Time to create my own closure.  Why want someone who doesn't want me?  Just so I can relive my childhood wounds of not being wanted, and try for a different outcome this time? 

I do miss him, and I wish we could have been a healthy couple.  But he walked out on me... .  let him deal with his own karma & lessons around this.  Otherwise I'm just torturing myself by sitting here pining for someone who didn't even care enough to break up with me to my face, or at least over the phone.  You know what?  If you want to step, then get to stepping.

I'm still grieving the loss of him, miss him and love him, but holding on to someone who doesn't want to be with me is a self destructive act.  Why give anyone that power over me? 

Just venting, thanks for listening.  Starting to get sick of feeling like a victim.  I might have to change my username at some point.  I don't want to identify myself by the fact that he didn't choose me. 

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.  Maybe I'm being protected by my angels (meaning by him breaking up with me before more time passed).  Maybe I will adopt the belief that everything that happened around the breakup was for my highest good, even though I can't see or make sense of that right now. Who is to say this wasn't meant to happen (the breakup)?  Maybe if we stayed together I would be miserable in a year. 

The only reason that I question this is because it was so good for so long, then poof!  He disappeared overnight.  So I've been wanting to invent a time machine to go backwards, try to get everything right this time, to try and preempt the breakup.  But perhaps that the very fact someone could "love" me so much one day then cut me out of their life the next is all the evidence I need that this wasn't for my highest good. 

I'm going to try on these beliefs for now and see if they're helpful. 

leftbehind --- This is a GREAT post.  One of the best posts I've read here in awhile!

I hope you don't mind, but I linked it in a thread on the Undecided Board.  It's just perfect for that thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200168.0

turtle

I propose a new name for you:

leftHIMbehind

turtle

Thanks Turtle:-)  I love that you reposted it.  I hope it helps someone else.

One of the things that I adopted for myself long ago is... .  I never know what God is protecting me FROM.

Long ago, things were so bleak, so hard, so stressful.  I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  Now... .  ELEVEN years later... .  I truly believe that I was saved from a life of extreme stress and a possible early death... .  and I believe that the child I never had (miscarried) was also spared from a life of violence.

Sometimes, we cling to the very things that will destroy us.

I love that you see this.

That doesn't mean you don't miss him.

That doesn't mean you don't wish things had turned out differently.

It just means that you are ALSO aware that things could, and would, have gotten much, much worse!

turtle

Thanks for your post lb - I agree with everything turtle has said. I am 10 weeks nc and it has been by no means easy. But I think that I am more thoughtful, resilient, mindful, reflective, compassionate & non judgmental as a result of my BPD relationship. Sadder but wiser so to speak.

I also have moments - and even whole days - of intense happiness and contentment. I'm lonely and miss him but no journey worth making is ever easy. One thing is absolutely true & that is that time is a great healer 

Great post. I wish I read it before I just started a new topic... . I need that wake up call.

"Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. "

You can bet on that! 

Hi lb. I had the same desire... . the time machine thing. Now, and after some work on myself, I don't anymore.

Why?

The argument is not necessarily BPD related. So, we suffered like in hell during the r/s (at least the last part of it). BPD or not they were FAR from perfect. Still we were willing to give everything for them and for a future together. Yes we made mistakes, definitely. But if we had to measure the distance from perfectness, I bet that in true honesty, we would position ourselves much closer to the target than them. Still... . they left, or forced us to leave them.

Hence, are we sure that "perfect" is the goal? Plus, what is "perfect" for us may not be perfect for someone else.

The thing is, and I am speaking out of my exBPD experience, the more she was acting "weird", the more I felt to be as strict as possible with my values as if I wanted to show her... . what "perfect" was about. But that was not ME. That was my "perfect" version of ME, which I don't really love.

I love the "imperfect" side of me, of my friends and of people in general. I love the unexpected, the silly, the surprising, the peculiar traits... .  

And indeed I fell, once in a lifetime for a BPD, because, well, you multiply "imperfect" by 1e+10 and you get BPD... .  

But that 1e+10 factor was so crazy that led my behavior towards perfectness, and after the break up, to think, the same way you do, that if I could have a time machine I could try to get even closer to perfectness... .

Bottom line: our ex's pushed us to behave in a way (as close as possible to perfect) that is not "our way", as a response to the fact that "their way" was diverging towards the opposite side of the spectrum. On top of that, as we break up with them, we blame ourselves because we could have behaved even "more perfect". But, clearly, not only the more we try to be perfect the more  we make the people around us uncomfortable, but also the more we are uncomfortable with ourselves.

So no, no time machine. We did our best. I am sure we all did. There is no point going back. If they cared, they would have their own BPD forum, in which they would write how much they miss us. If they cared they would have found us in here, with our nicknames and they would tell us how sorry they are.

If anybody, they are the ones wishing to have a time machine, not us.

I want to be loved for my mild imperfectness and for the way I make my mistakes.

Thank you for all your support and comments on my post.  I really, really appreciate it!

Wisdom & power in this post my friend!   |iiii

You rock LB! Now leave behind all the memories of the times he took away your power, and use your new found power to start fresh, create a new reality for yourself, and open the door to new happiness!

Best Wishes,

Val78

LB, I completely agree and would add just a thought more... .  

it has occured to me that the biggest part of the pain has to do with my own expectations. You know--what I wanted the relationship to be, versus what it actually was. Thusly, that's why there is no "closure". Not from him anyway. Has to come from within.

doublearies, you are so right!  good point.

|iiii