BPDFamily.com

My BPDw left me for her boyfriend, and is now living with him part-time. She has our S9 half the time, so he's with this guy a lot.

Here is what I know about this candidate for "Upstanding Man of the Year":

- Just got out of a residential treatment center for alcoholics

- At least two DUIs (needs does the blow before he drives)

- DV arrest in past marriage (court report was that he shook his wife's arm, but didn't hurt her)

- Does not even have supervised visitation rights to his three children, who live in the same town

It's the last one that worries me.  I've run a background check but couldn't come up with much except the DUI and DV arrests (he also has a Failure to Appear arrest). An attorney advised me that a DV incident of this nature would not result in a "no visitation" order.  The attorney said that his case would not be publicly accessible if it was pursuant to a custody evaluation.

Here are my options:

1. Ask wife and/or him to give me the documentation I would need to satisfy myself that he is not a danger to our son (my wife claims that she spoke with her boyfriend's exwife who admitted that she made false allegations against him.  I don't really believe this.)

2. Hire a private investigator to find out what he did to cause him to lose visitation of his kids (talk to his ex-wife, parents, etc.)

3. File something with the court, for the sake of safety for my son, to either require him to open his case, or else to enjoin him to stay away from our son

4. File for primary physical custody, to where I can reduce his contact with our son as much as possible

5. Do nothing and hope that he's a decent person

I know #4 sounds ridiculous, but starting a war of this nature with my wife will cause her to intensify her efforts at parental alienation (like she did against her ex husband for 20 years) as well as trigger false accusations of who-knows-what.  So either way, my son faces risks to his well-being.

Any advice?

Talk to a local attorney who has experience in similar cases, where the other party has BPD or something similar.  Find out how the process works where you live.

If you do #4, that may allow you to ask the court to appoint a Custody Evaluator, who can find out all the relevant information and make a recommendation.

":)oes not even have supervised visitation rights to his three children, who live in the same town"

This is concerning. The other things not so much.

I know in my county all Family Court records are public records.  Have you tried looking up his old family court records, you wouldn't need a PI. you can do it yourself.  Well you can here anyway.  Worth looking into.

"I know in my county all Family Court records are public records."

Exactly! Also,sign up for a month from a background check website.The DUI's and DV arrest,at least,should show up there.

After you get the info,you'll still have to get the arrest records,because you can't submit something off the internet I wouldn't think. It'll give you a starting point as to where he was arrested though.Which city,county,date,etc.,,

Family Court is public record, yes. But if it's dependency court (like if he lost the kids due to abuse or neglect including DV) then that's a black box. You can't access those records publicly, you might have to go through the court.

Ok thanks for the input.  I plan to go to the court tomorrow to see what I can dig up.  Will report back.

I agree with your concern about the fact that he doesn't even have access to his 3 kids.  That is very odd. 

I went to the County Courthouse and they gave me his 3 inch file (family law stuff only).

Several instances of  domestic violence on her; only one where the police were called and he was arrested. The big relief is that there was no charges of molestation or physical abuse of a child.  

The story shapes up to be, he has been alcohol addicted for many years (his wife claims cocaine to begin with, but he turned to drink after he ran out of money).  She filed for divorce in 2010 to get him out of the house, but he had supervised visitation. He started showing up for visitation drunk. He would also come to her house -- in violation of the restraining order -- drunk enough that it upset the kids.  So that's when she went for a total "no-contact" RO and got it for 5 years.

The latest thing is that just two weeks ago, he filed a Motion for modification of the RO.  He proposes that he start having  supervised visits immediately, and then after three months keeping them for weekends. He says he has been completely dry since July 2012 and has complied with all court orders for treatment and child support.  (He's so indigent that his child support for three kids is $180 per month -- not each, but in total.)

In the file were 8 glowing letters of recommendation to support his Petition, mainly from the non-profit organizations that he either volunteers at and receives treatment through.  (One of the enthusiastic, praise-filled letters was from my wife as Executive Director of the non-profit he works at.  It begins with, "It is with great pleasure that I have come to know ---name---."  My sarcastic thought was, "I bet it was your great pleasure coming to know him."

He also named my wife as the one who would supervise his visits with the kids. (How proper is it that the one the court appoints to supervise these visits also is boinking the "restrained" person?)

The next funny thing is, the court date/time assigned to mediate his restraining order is the SAME as the date/time assigned to our custody mediation, just a different room!  When we're done, I can see her leaving with him... .  and me -- well I haven't met her yet but her Facebook profile pic is pretty cute!  (I'm kidding!)

What an odd situation.

It's actually dawning on me that his ex may be in my life indirectly from now on, if he gets visitation and my son finds himself a new set of step siblings.

OK, back to serious business.

I need to go speak with her (his ex-wife) to get evidence for court that my wife is lying.  Back in January when I first discovered this man had babysat our son, I asked my wife why this was appropriate since I had already known the guy to have a no-contact RO against him. I asked this when my wife and I were meeting with our marriage counselor (before I found out for sure they were having an affair).  My wife got defensive and answered, "I spoke with his ex-wife and she admitted it was based on false allegations."  I believed my wife at first -- stupidly, because who would actually admit to making serious false charges in a Court of Law?

Documenting that my wife was lying about a significant issue regarding the safety of our child could be one of the best pieces of evidence I have in the custody battle that is shaping up.

And likely he is filing for visitation - now and not long ago - because of her pending case, she knows his current order makes him look very bad.

And I wonder how many of those 7 other people who wrote glowing letters did so at your spouse's urgings, hmm?

And I wonder - if his child support was behind - who helped him catch up with his CS payments, hmm?

However he may appear 'recovered' now, the face is that his long history of problems is concerning.