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I previously posted a post here but the night was terrible. I have a flight now in my time zone 7 am and at 2 am she showed up drunk at my house and said she lost her keys. I let her in and she laid in my bed and started with me sexually. We started making love but I stopped and said I can´t do this. She then got an sms and was sleeping and saw that she started interacting with a guy she had a relationship 4 years ago and has told me how great their sex life was. She even contacted him in our relationship.

Five minutes before she texted him and said she was going home.

I asked her if she was seeing him and said why are you here then. She reacted badly, said I was crazy and she even mixed our names up and called me his name. Then she asked my if she could stay at my apartment but I said no. I would drive her to a friend of family or even buy her a hotel room. She freaked out, said I was a victim, crazy, she loved me, why I had change phone numbers etc. And the she screamed I should go and f-ck another woman. I always stayed calm but broke down on my way to the airport where I am now going on work trip with two hour sleep.

I guess i shouldn´t had let her in at the first place. It has been two weeks of no contact until now. But it was like I had no control but she had it all.

SHe seems to have a grip on my and I even began to wonder about my insanity for a while but I called a friend who calmed me down.

I am even now thinking of changing apartments.

This really sucks and I feel so bad

Awwww, 

I know we spoke a little earlier, but I wanted to continue to extend my support and concern for you.

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf)

I am not certain if I have mentioned this article before, but it really helped me in coming to terms with the reality of my relationship.

Tomjon

yes this sucks. I would feel bad too, really.

First of all: Forgive yourself.

I agree with you, it was a mistake let her in. Try to recover as much as possible for your business trip.

If you have enough sleep you can focus on next time, when she is try to contact you. Perhaps it is a  learning piece for saying: NO.

I see some risk from your other posts that she is stalking you. So it is very important to stay your ground. And perhaps you could make notes what happend when. You never know... .  

Thank you for your help. Yesterday was rough. I have anxiety and had an panic attack after a long days work. It can happen to me under a lot of pressure. I wen´t to sleep early but had nightmares all night about her.

As I said she has begun talking to an ex. This guy she started dating after her 9 year relationship with her former ended in 2006. She has been very explicit about how he "sexually liberated her" and told me stories about their "great" sex life and was at a point so explicit I repeatedly asked her to stop talking about him (or other exes).

He sent her a facebook request when we were together and she called him and had an long conversation in the car and then told me about it. I just said why do you have to tell me about this and why having to call him.

I find this so strange. This is so hurtful that she has picked him to be with. Is it coincidence or what?

I feel terrible now and and think I´m going crazy and want to call her and tell her how much she is f-ucking me up.

Also that night she said I´d better not go the gym since she started going there.

My guess is that she is reaching out in her fear of abandonment to every possibility and quite often this is a ex or exex... .  

Her statement with the gym is nasty. I would stay your ground, even if it is hard in the beginning.

To have things correct she had an affair with this guy when she was in a relationship with er ex (father of her son). He ended up in the mental hospital after her. And now I can relate the words he said to her "just wait until "me" get´s to find out how crazy you are"

The current guy she had a sexual relationship mostly with him but told me she just wasn´t just that into him. But they had bdsm sex and I wonder how she get´s a grip of men after all these years.

Also I´ve been thinking of her former spouses. She had a relationship with a married man.

She wen´t crazy after a guy ended a relationship with her and stalked him and then he wen´t for a trip around the world. And she even kept their love letters in places which were easy for me to find in our home.

And the last one before me the narcissist he wen´t really crazy and now he´s making her pay deposits of money she owes him for the next 3 years. He is a millionaire b.t.w.

But now after the NC policy of mine failed I guess it´s back to square one. And the pain that follows with that. How can you be in love with a person like this. It´s so strange. It´s like when she showed up I just didn´t have any control until she called the name of the guy she is seeing when we were in bed.

She said so hurtful things to me and I´m really struggling here. I feel like I need to be locked up in isolation to get through this or something.

Hi tomjon78 --

I hear the stress in your posts.  I'm sorry this is taking such a toll on you and that you are struggling to remove her from your world.  It's a hard thing to do, but oh so necessary.

Your desriptions of her are not flattering!  I'm glad that you are working on getting her out of your life -- and also out of your children's lives.  They don't need someone like this in their world!  If you can't stick to No Contact for yourself... .  do it for THEM!

So... .  let's think about just TODAY.  What can you do for yourself TODAY to alleviate some of the stress you are feeling?

turtle

Update!

I really messed up. After my trip home I felt really angry and frustrated and decided to call her. She sent me an email saying sorry for her behaviour that night and said she missed me so much. I called her with my number blocked.

She said her day was a mess and she really felt bad. I said I wanted her not to contact me anymore. Especially I asked her why she came to my house after sending her ex partner an sms telling her she was going home 2 minutes before.

Then things got ugly on the phone. She said she has realized she had issues with men and she and her former partner were only friends. Let´s keep in mind he told her he missed her during our relationship.

And then I said "do you realize your words and actions". and she asked me if I thought there was something wrong with here. I told her if she knew was BPD was and she said she had taken a test and the outcome was that she wasn´t.

I just don´t believe that. She said I was repeatedly punishing her and I was very bad to her in our relationship which is not true. I had 2-3 outburst when she said terrible things to me and told her she had to realize the magnitude of her actions and effects on me.

It was clear that she wen´t from being forgiving to being hostile in the same sentence somehow... .  I really think I messed it up. I miss her in a strange way and feel so bad about this. And I don´t know what is going on and it frustrates me more than anything she is in contact with the guy she cheated on her former husband with and threatened me via sms that he was the only guy ever good to her and described their intense sex live. I think that is not normal.

I ended the phonecall angry and told her I would never look her in the eye or talk to her again and would pass her by when I would meet her on the street.

I feel so bad for being so angry and frustrated and hurt. I almost feel like I´m going crazy.

I just don´t believe she is not BPD

Help !

Tomjon78,

First give yourself some grace, BPDs are so very good at pushing our buttons. We have all said things we wish we wouldn't have.

And of course you miss her, she creates excitement and that gets your adrenaline rushing. When my husband was being sentenced I told the judge living w/ him was like an addiction,  I still miss the good times!

But is having her in your life worth the drama?

Hi Tomjon

A rough see you are in. Lots of emotions.

Take some deep breaths.

About her having BPD or not: I think this is not the most important point. She can have it or some traits, she can have other things. What you know is from your own experience that your rs with her is very unhealthy. She has interpersonal issues. Trust your perception about this.

Now back to yourself. How to continue after this not so good encounter with her? What can you do for yourself? What do you think about next contacts? My suggestion is to focus more on the future, what can you make better than what did you wrong... .  

Hang in there, and we are here for you.  :)

Thank you all for your help. It´s been a better day for me. I had a long conversation with my sister about co-dependency and I have to admit to myself that that factor is very big here. I have to let go and look at things in the big picture. She is clearly not thinking things "normally" and there is nothing I can do to change that or be in that situation.

It´s like i´m obsessing about looking for answers, forgiveness for the things she´s done and I find it so hurtful that she is in contact with the guy she´s has so talked about in our relationship and described their bdsm sex and intense sexual actions, how great he was in bed, how he sexually liberated her and now he lives nearby her instead in the other part of the country. But I guess there is nothing for me to do about that since our relationship is over. But I wonder how strange that is, she had an affair with him in 2006 in the end of her 9 year relationship and has met him occasionally through the years. It´s like she has a grip of all of her former lovers and spouses.

But i´m so sure that she is BPD and our marriage consultant and my therapist are sure and from what i´ve read here. Even though she passed the test. My T. said it is no uncommon for some to pass the test anyway.

But still i´m so close to want to contact her and I am really grieving and missing her touch and to hold her in my arms. I feel like I will never have the same sex life again and now I have nightmares about her and things around her.

it´s just that I´ve never been so much in love with one person and for me I find it so hard to find love or feeling for another person in this caliber. I feel like I will never be in love again and my heart is broken.

I guess co-dependency is the worst thing to mix in this lethal cocktail.

But for me now it´s just one hour at a time and I want to ask if you think it helps to start to date women at this point?

And what about this doubt of feeling in your heart that things can be fixed and get better?

So, what would it take for things to be "fixed"? Are these things YOU could control or are there things she would have to do?

You can control yourself... .  you can't control her.

If it was up to you things would already be fixed right? But it's not up to you. She is making choices here too. And you can't choose for her.

As for dating only you know if you are ready.  I made the decision to make sure, in my heart, I was detached from my ex before I brought another soul into the mix. I didn't want to start dating someone then hurt them because I still had unresolved feelings for my ex.

Hang in there... .  this is HARD but we can get through it!  :)

I know that this is right and my heart is telling me that this will never work. But my anxiety is clearly not helping me. I got drunk last night and called her ... .  and there is always something new. She said to me that she went to her therapist and he just laughed that I had said she had BPD symptoms. And she and him would contact our marriage therapist about her words about that.

I know I shouldn´t had said this to her. But I find it strange she has all the symptoms I´ve read about here and my T. and marriage T. has told otherwise. And also our common friend and my family. My brother is a Pscychologist.

How can a person have a grip on her therapist like that. He has a reputation of mostly having women in his therapy and I´ve noticed that her therapy with him is not really working for her. She even admitted that and quit seeing him in february she told me.

Now here focus is on her BPD pathalogical female friend who has lived a double life and got very involved in her problems.

I had a very bad anxiety attack this night and called my brother because I had dark thoughts after the phonecall with her.

But I´m seeing my T. tomorrow and I really need help in getting out of this. I know I took the decision to end this but I still get so angry and miss her also and that she doesn´t know how she treated me with lying, financially taking money from me, pushing my buttons, her continous talking about exes and framing me for being crazy. I guess I will never get the answers I´m looking for here.

As for dating, I went out the other night for a drink with a girl and I felt that I´m not ready for that yet.

This has been a very bad week for me and many steps back. I even have suicidal thoughts.

TomJon78 - hang in there!  It will get better if you can have no contact.  I don't know if you have kids, if you do then light contact.  Please value yourself enough to get off the crazy train.  She is making you feel like you're crazy, but she's the crazy one.  Co-dependent traits are not the same thing as having a personality disorder, so quit beating yourself up. 

Be kind to yourself, first and foremost.  And come back here to check in and get support.  Keep reading everyone else's experience - that's what has been helping me.

There are people on here who care about you.

Hang in there tomjon.  It doesn't matter what label or diagnosis you put on her, even though it's tempting when we read descriptions that match on this and other sites.  The point is you sound caught up in the emotion, there isn't any trust either way, and she's pushing your buttons in a big way.  The important thing, if she does exhibit the traits we read about here, is you cannot make sense of it, and trying will make you crazy.  The best thing you can do for your own health and sanity is disconnect, go NC, stay on these boards and/or talk to someone local who is out of the situation, and work on staying grounded and starting to detach emotionally, which is much more than just not communicating.  Hang in there man.

Good you have a T apt today, tomjon78.

How are you today?

Update

Well things are clearly rough until they get better. I got an email from her yesterday where she said she will not see the guy anymore and she claimed there was nothing wrong with her and she is proud of her personality.

I felt really bad last night... .  i couldn´t sleep until 3.am and when I heard something outside my house I was scared that it was her coming.

I wen´t to see my Psychologist today and he said a few things about the situation:

-in his mind there is no doubt she is BPD

-I asked him if there was something wrong with me... .  could I have BPD and he said no way.

-But it was getting to be an obsession for me to get confirmation about it an that I would never get the "right" answers. It is very normal and I am showing all the signs after a relationship with a BPD.

-my anxiety cause me to irrational thinking which is very normal and she has all the control.

-He told me one of her exes was in therapy with him and of course he could not break confidence but said : "when you see a pattern in people and symptoms which are so clear" I have no doubt about this.

-BTW he started warning me that this relationship could be not good for me one year ago.

After therapy I went to her house and got my mail from the mailbox while she wasn´t home but her older son saw me. Then I got a phonecall from her. She managed somehow to get my new number. She said it was very serious for me to wonder about her being BPD and said she wrote to our marriage T. about that our conversation about that was very serious. She and her therapist (who is not a professional Pscychologist) were convinced the problem was on my side. She said I was at a bad place and I could come anytime to talk... .  but at the same time she said she was very upset about my thinking... .  I know I shouldn´t have told her this!

I am very depressed, self blaming and feel like she has control over me. But I´m really trying to think rationally for me and my children. It´s like when she called today I just found my heart raising and felt really nervous.

Also I feel bad about our Marriage T. to get in trouble about this and I´m thinking of writing her a mail about this. She has not given her an appointment and says she is busy but has booked me in short notice so I wonder she doesn´t want to deal with her.

It´s been a rough day but I got to see my son (from my former) marriage and my former wife is very supportive and said I could get the children if it would help.

Is it normal to have this self doubt... .  and thinking about you are going crazy and even being BPD myself?

But I find it distressing that she and her T. are claiming that I´m the crazy one.

Yes, tomjohn, everything you're feeling I felt.  It is not 'normal' because you were in a r/s with a disordered individual, but it is normal to have the feelings you are, anxiety, irrational thoughts, thinking you're crazy.  But hear this: IT'S NOT YOU!  And it isn't even her either, it's the disorder.  Just think, she's been living her whole life in the state you're in right now, she's just better at it, she's had more practice.

The first step is to disconnect, doing every and anything you need to, go NC, and start focusing on you.  It took me several months before the FOG, as it's called, lifted, and I could start learning about the disorder objectively.  The way it works is difficult for us to get our head around, and you probably won't be able to when your're still emotionally enmeshed, but the good news is when you do start learning how it works, it will start to make sense, and you'll feel better about you as a result.

First step: disconnect, as all cost.

Another update!

She rang the bell at my house this evening. Said she wanted to get her shoes. I decided to let her in and handed her the shoes.

Then she started telling how great it was training at the gym (martial arts) i´m have been training and I decided not to train anymore there. And then she tried the nice approach.

I decided with my heart pumping to put up the pokerface.

She asked me again about the phone number change. Asked about my children and then they strange part:

I would need your number for emergency? And then 2 minutes later she said we would see each other again at the wedding of our mutual friend in september and joked about she would bring a male escort.

Then she asked repeatedly why I didn´t want to say anything or how I was feeling and ended up saying that I was not capable of being in a relationship at all and I was a quitter.

I stayed cool all the time and am proud af that in the 45 minutes she tried to get things out of me... .  but collapsed in the sofa completely drained.

You are really on a rough place, tomjon! 

Are there more things at your place she could reach out for it? If so, make a paket and sent it or something like this.

I would really consider to not let her in your house next time... .  

I am not always opting for NC but in your case yes!

And keep posting here, we are here for you.   

UPDATE!

I have had some peace for a few days... .  but got an email on wednesday saying she was in a rough place helping her best friend (who is a pathalogical liar facing charges for being a nurse without permission)... .  She was explaining how her husband is sticking by her side matter what and comparing it to our situation... .  that she knew she had flaws but if he could do it, why couldn´t stick by her side and that I was showing strange behaviour by not letting her know about my phonenumber and so on... .  I should start to think things from her perspective... .  then she said she would not contact me unless neccessary... .  whatever that means!

then today i got another email... .  subject MISS YOU!  she told me she missed me like hell and told me how here day has been and she missed telling me things... .  

so strange to use their situation and compare it to ours... .  and she has been full force in their situation... .  which I find strange or maybe not... .  BPD strive on dramatic situation don´t they... .  I think this is a mindgame?

Thanks for the update tomjon.  Mine did the same thing, and after processing it for a while it was clear that she missed the friendship that we once had, and wanted to try and maintain that without the physical/romantic r/s.  I think she's aware on some level that all of her significant relationships devolve into chaos because of the push/pull nature of the disorder and all the crap that comes with it, and she attempted to ask for the good without the bad.  I don't blame her, although what I need from people I consider a friend is empathy, compassion and validation, and what I got from her was criticism, judgement, and devaluation; she's not qualified to be my friend.