BPDFamily.com

I have the hardest time putting my feelings/thoughts into words when I talk about myself and how I am affected by exBPDgf.  There's always a pit of shame and embarrassment embedded in my core when issues crop up regarding the ex.

For the past two weeks BPDex has been dropping her child off at the school so I've seen her daily since then.  At first I didn't think much of it, which the not thinking, feeling, or having a ptsd reaction has been a major benefit in my healing in the last year.  But little things started to happen... .  like she'd pull beside me, or park behind me, or I'd go to the store and she'd park across the street at a restaurant and face me.  I'm not sure how it sparks, but for some reason I get that adrenaline, my therapist calls it flight or fright or freezing, and with this happening so many days in a row, my thoughts are now ruminating about running into her.  At first it was that I didn't want to run into her, then, perhaps a bargaining with self, that if we had to come face to face I'd make it so it was comfortable for me and say hello(and then I feel sick and guilty-why would I EVER even think about contact and HOW would it even make me comfortable)?  I don't know if this is a reaction or mental process to a trauma bond but I feel so guilty, ashamed, and physically ill.  The ruminating feels like obsessive thinking and when I start to feel really low about it, I have to work hard at positive self talk.

This isn't new... .  I've been dealing with this since high school.  I've just gained much more understanding and self-knowledge over the past few years and this is probably the longest I've maintained NC and the most she has tried to re-engage.  I think.  I think she's re-engaging. It's just so weird... .  nothing else ever happens so crazy in my life... .  I mean over and over again she shows up and I ALWAYS question myself and wonder if I am seeing what I'm seeing or am I making too much of it?  Why do I still pay attention to it?Why can there be periods where she reengages and I am not affected and times when it shakes me up? What's the mental process/reaction to long-term stalking and trauma bond reengagement attempts?