BPDFamily.com

BPDw... .  I can do it to you, but don't you dare do it to me... .  and the opposite, which I am in right now... .  You should be doing this for me but don't expect it in return... .  Anyone else who would like to share... .  

There is so much in my relationship with my GF that is one-sided. The particularly frustrating part is that she often does not see it that way, or even worse, she even considers it to be the opposite. "You never, I always... .  " when the truth is closer to being the other way around.

Oh yeah, same thing over and over again... .  During a lifetime, actually. People have to bend and turn inside out to please them. Meanwhile you receive evil treatment.  :)

People with BPD generally aren't trying to inflict pain, although they frequently do.  They are full of pain, fear and anxiety themselves.  They have developed very dysfunctional ways of coping with these internal feelings.  Their emotions are intense and change rapidly.  Often, you are just a "safe" outlet that they use to take things out on. 

Most of these bizarre and unfair statements they make are entirely about them . . . not you (even though they say its about you).     They are driven to extremes by their intense needs and fears.  I suppose, in the moment, they believe what they are saying makes perfect sense somehow.  But, eventually we learn to not give these silly statements ("do it for me, but I won't do it for you" much credence. 

If something isn't reciprocal, and you feel it should be even if they don't, well, then just don't do it.  If we let it happen, these relationships can quickly turn into one way streets - but that really is in our control to allow or not. 

 

Hey Briefcase!

My experience shows the opposite of what you say: they DO want to inflict pain and they enjoy it a lot. They get happy when people are sick, they mumiliate you in public so they fell happy. Im talking abt an uBPD with sadistic traits, anyway. And they have no pain inside, no fear or anything, they just like to rock other´s boats so they feel alive. Do I sound harsh on them? Probably, but thats the truth (as I see it).  :)

I believe that they are VERY aware of what they are doing.  It boils down to empathy as we all know too well as well as they really have a diminished capacity to care.

Get what you're saying but I think you mean to say that they have a GREAT deal of pain inside and want you to experience that same level therefore they inflict it on us.  I think the saying goes... .  Hurt people hurt people... .  

I agree they don't have a lot of empathy and that they are aware of their actions, although probably not fully aware of why they do some of the things they do.  My therapist once asked me if I thought my wife could control her temper and language if a police officer pulled her over, or if she would just unleash her wrath on him too.  I had to agree that she would be able to contain herself under those circumstances (although I still wonder if she really could if she was highly dysregulated).  The point being that she could act different if she felt she had to.  

And yes, I do agree that sometimes they want others to "feel their pain." 

I'm not making any excuses for them.      

We tend to think of people with BPD as strong and powerful people.  They aren't.  They are weak and live in internal pain.  I've heard BPD described as emotional sunburn.  They are highly sensitive and feel pain at even the slightest "normal" touch.      

Can people with BPD be intentionally mean and cruel?  Sure. We all have that capacity.  I'm just saying that a lot of the day-to-day "problems" aren't motivated by a sadistic impulse or a desire to inflict pain.  They are being reactive and lashing out in ways that are inapproriate, and that they probably know are inappropriate.      

Other conditions, like NPD and ASPD, are different.  

Again, agreed.  My BPDw would most likley argue with the officer only after drinkin and get arrested to boot.  Her reasoning gets highly diminished in that state.

hey Bruceli!

I meant what I actually said, they have no pain inside, they just want to inflict pain. Again, Im talking abt my particular experience with an uBPD relative with sadistic traits.

I dont think theres anything there: no pain, no love, no mercy, no compassion. The sadistic types smell a victim and attack it, thats it. What for? Cause its fun to put someone down? I dont care way, I just got tired of being a target and being shot without any mercy. BPD, NPD or any other PD, I dont care. Its nice to understand about it and have information, but in the end, you cant get along with a sadist being a normal person.

Briefcase, we can have our wrath moments too, but usually it happens a few times in our lifetime and we´d really yell at the officer. We wouldnt choose whom to yell to. Unlike them. They know very well who they can attack and who they cant. Usually the targets are immediate family. Not a boss. Not a friend. Not a neighbour. They put the act for those people. Above all, they want to look like a victim even when they inflict pain on purpose on others.