BPDFamily.com

I have tried to get my uBPDh in to see a therapist and he won't go.  My primary concerns are the verbal abuse and threats of physical aggression.  Last night we talked about it again and it triggered him... .  he said that if I start working on myself and he sees positive, sustainable changes in my life then he will consider starting to work on himself... .  but until then he just doesn't care.  He's given up.

He told me that I need to lead by example.

Now I know that my behavior has allowed my husband to get as bad as he is... .    and I need to continue with the lessons, putting boundaries in place and learning how to live better again.  Take a HUGE dose of "grow the heck up" and stop playing the victim... .    I have trained my husband to rely on me... .  I have aided and abetted his bad behavior for so long.  

Anyway, to address the emotional outbursts - I wanted to give him a book on DBT that doesn't reference BPD. He spends time now reading meditation books.  He knows that something is wrong and I would like to give him the book.  Any recommendations?

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

Matthew McKay PHD, Jeffrey C. Wood PsyD, Jeffrey Brantley MD

(https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/images/locate.jpg) (http://www.bookfinder.com/search/?keywords=1572245131&st=sh&ac=qr&submit=)

This doesn't say anything about BPD in the description, you can usually ask questions on Amazon and people who have bought it will respond.

There is one that says it's for anxiety, I don't know if that would help that it actually says it's for something other than BPD. I just posted the link for my search on Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Codependent#/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=DBT&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3ADBT).

I'll check them out!  Thank you.

The High Conflict Couple

A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation

by Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D

(https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/images/locate.jpg) (http://www.bookfinder.com/search/?author=&title=&lang=en&submit=Begin+search&new_used=*&destination=us&currency=USD&binding=*&isbn=978-1572244504&keywords=&minprice=&maxprice=&mode=advanced&st=sr&ac=qr)

I am reading "The High Conflict Couple" by Fruzzetti - actually found out about it on here maybe a week ago!  It's basically a DBT book for couples which does mention DBT, but not BPD.  I have tried to feed my dBPDh all kinds of good resources and he always has some excuse as to why he won't utilize them.  A while back I gave up trying to help him or change him and focused on me because I realized if I don't engage him, it mitigates the conflict (since you need two to fight!).  He still has his issues, of course, and my heart breaks for him - but my H isn't ready to recover yet.  If and when he ever becomes ready he will seek help on his own, and I will be more than happy to assist him.  But for us, it's working better if I just let him be instead of trying to drive his recovery.

I have to bite my tongue so hard whenever H makes comments about our marriage and how we need to "do something about it" to save it.  Um.  Yeah.  :)uh - I'm working really hard on that.  He says all the right things, but never follows through smh.  At any rate, that book is the bomb dot com!  It's definitely helping me lead by example  :)  

lizzie458 - your statement had me lol.

I'll check out the book.

Thank you.

I'll buy it too.  Thank you!

I'll recommend the High Conflict Couple--the exercises in it look great... .  but with two caveats:

1. The book has many references to its academic credentials, and a fair bit of DBT language. The cover mentions BPD in the author of the forward's other book. The references include several mentions of BPD too. So if you really don't want BPD to be mentioned (often a good idea), this book isn't the one for you.

2. Giving him a self-help book is an invalidating act. (I remember a cartoon I once read of a bookstore with a deserted self-help section and an overcrowded and sold-out spouse-help section  :) )

Otherwise... .  I really like mindfulness practice--I think that this sort of practice was one thing that helped my wife get better. I know it helped me a lot too. I really liked "Peace Is Every Step" by Thick Naught Hahn, and think that nearly anything he wrote would be good. This wouldn't be an invalidating gift!

Lastly... .  one thing that helped me turn my wife's issues back to where she had to deal with them was naming verbal abuse... .  and setting a boundary of not accepting it. I didn't have to prove that it was verbal abuse--I just left the conversation when it was.

I also read the High conflict couple and some other books.

My opinion about those kind of books: interesting reading for background information and good tips. But don't get your hopes up to high: it will only work if both partners do want to work.

I was in the same sort of situation as you: my stbBPDxw was seeing a T, but didn't want me to attend any sessions. Before I could do that I would see a T myself to resolve my own problems. She never could tell me what those problems exactly were, but I saw a T.

Good thing! Not for our r/s, because when the time came to meet each other in T she aggressively dumped me.

But it was good for me: I learned a lot about myself and the reason I was in this r/s. I learned that I am not the bad person she painted me black to.

I learned that I am a person with of course his own mistakes, but that this is normal.

I learned things about me and my youth that makes sense why I let me be abused for ten years.

I learned that a r/s is about two persons and not about one.

I have a lot of learning to do.

So my advice: read, don't get your hopes up, do the things you want to do, but do them to benifit yourself! It should not be about our SO, it should be about ourselves (and about our r/s).

Take care.