BPDFamily.com

Hi. I've been away from these boards for a long time. These boards gave me the hope and strength I needed to start to heal - and then I felt I had to go it alone for a while.

I'm here just from a need to communicate. I've always had the fear still inside me that maybe it was all my fault. That little feeling deep inside, could I have done more given the circumstances? Years of guilt to help save a soul who wanted never to be helped.

Anyone who read my story from a few years ago will know the context much better - but essentially I have been NC for 12 months. I'd hoped that given how he left me, he'd at least attempt to learn from mistakes made in the past.

But they never do. Do they. I used to fear it was just me that made him so unhappy.

However I have never seen him since he gave me 3 hours notice of the end of our life together and left me at an international airport. I've several indelible memories - cancelling the wedding dress is one of them. The shame. The humiliation.

Last week I learnt that his life is still as chaotic as ever. An unplanned pregnancy with a woman he hardly knows and claims is 'abusive' to him just like his father. He claims his life 'has never been so bad.' He's not with the mother and woe is me comments started.I know it sounds mean but I smiled to myself when I heard his never ending self pitying whinge yet again. Finally I got closure. It was not me. He will always create his own unique version of hell - and blame everyone else as though they were the ones to make it. Nothing has changed in 3 years. This time he can't blame me. For those who sometimes doubt themsleves and think we are just not kind enough, caring enough, thoughtful enough - remember that no-one will ever be good enough for them.

This is my closure.

To those in the midst of heartache still I truly hope you finally rebuild and find peace. It's taken me a long time but slowly I think I can see a light. And it feels good.

Good you could find some peace! You are not alone with those self-doubts that perhaps we could do things better in the past, all those guilty feelings. 

Perhaps you could start from now on a new era: "I trust myself more. I believe in myself." Its so important that we are best friends and supporters for your selves.  :)