BPDFamily.com

in an old thread... .  "You can't get them to listen.  When I find that he's not listening I stop talking.  I've learned that the relationship is about them and sometimes they include you."  So very true... .  

How true!  I used to try incessantly to get my H's attention, I'd call his name 6 or 7 times - if I wanted him to see something or talk to him, etc.  He just couldn't pay attention.  However looking at it now I see that he does this to everyone, and he can concentrate fine if he's talking.  But even when the subject is himself, he gets disinterested very quickly with what anyone else has to say! 

I've implemented a boundary - I try to get his attention no more than two times, and at that point I simply give up and move on.  It's funny, he frequently notices the silence now and tries desperately to get me to say it one more time with him (which I very rarely do) after he realizes he's been completely ignoring me.  But then, on the rare occasion that I do repeat myself for the third time, HE (usually) IGNORES ME AGAIN!  And then I kick myself and move on.  Life is much easier when I accept that "noone's home" a lot of the time :-/

It's also why we have to take breaks. so we can have the space to focus on ourselves and get back on track.  BPD people can be so busy and adventurous that you end up in a state of disaray within just a matter of days; finances, house, time to be productive, time with kids, etc-  The last time we were together I can to really fight to get to have me time.  Even when I am jogging he calls, or sleeping... .  and he gets furious if I don't answer the calls.  It's exhausting, and yet, at the same time, I love his devotion and attentiveness.  I know that it is also often neediness, and people tell me that this is not about his love for me, but his emptiness/fears/insecurities.  And maybe I do like a little of that, based on my own insecurities, fears, emptiness and neediness. 

I am trying to come to terms with how much I DO want this, and to not complain too much about something that I in fact DO NOT want to change, ya know... .  ?  I love my needy man.

My BPDw is just the opposite, begs and begs for her own personal time... .  But... .  that is so she can go out to carouse, drink with "friends" and the like.  As stated in the first post... .  she only includes me in her world as she sees fit and when it benefits her.