BPDFamily.com

I was proud of keeping NC for 4 weeks. This afternoon, I went to someone's funeral and I was feeling sad. I felt that I did say hurtful words to her during push pull and her ST. I thought it is human to apologize and give her some peace and comfort.

So,  I texted to her " I apologize for hurtful words I said ... . hope you will forgive me for that."  As I expected there was no reply.

I feel like a loser . Why did I put my dignity on line in a weak emotional state?

Funeral made me feel we should not carry grudges and say goodbye with decency. But, I know Borderlines donot have the capacity for love and forgiveness. Resuming NC.

WTKM I know exactly how you feel. You likely only wanted to be honest and sincere when remembering because of the funeral how life is too short not to be.  You only acted with good heart 

Now is the time to act with good brain, get back on your NC horse and sit straight and proud. The road ahead may be a little rocky, but it is all yours and therefore crazy-free.

I wouldn't sweat it. We are all weak when it comes to our BPD ex's at some point. After the ex creeped me, I kinda was a bit childish about it. Got drunk at the bar her and her guy showed up at, flipped them off and said... .  something... .  dunno what honestly. Then when I got home sent a drunken rambling email to her. Dunno if her creeping me was technically her breaking our one month NC that she had initiated, or my email. But I guess it doesn't matter. It was still weakness brought about by regret and feelings for her. She responded to the email a day later, saying she doesn't know what I want her to say. I pulled myself back together and told her people say stupid crap when they are drunk. After an email of her proclaiming her happiness with him (it was an obvious lie, she sucks at lying big time), I initiated the NC this time and left her with kind words. She was very apologetic through her lies, which was the only truth I believe was in those emails. So yes, they feel bad when they screw up and hurt people they know loved them and we're good to them. But it felt good for me to be the one who said I gotta stop with the contact.

Don't be hard on yourself.

I sometimes get tempted to contact my ex. I don't cause I know it'd be more of the same.

I remember last year after a breakup, I tried contacting her and she wouldn't reply. Even after I made so many attempts and I really was pathetic. What hurt the most is I never ignored her when she would reach out to me like that.

I couldn't believe that after all we'd been through she could just coldly ignore me like that.

The way I view it now is I don't care. I don't want or need her respect.

If I reached out to her now and he rejected me, I don't care cause I don't want more of the same.

It sounds cliche but she doesn't deserve me or what I offer.

Stay focused on yourself. It's not a big deal that you broke nc.

I've done the hurtful-words thing before, too. Blew up at her in a major & uncharacteristic way twice, which ended me painted black & the "forever" silent treatment.

Of course, both times I did apologize afterwards a couple times, like any fairly healthy person would. It's only natural.

No reply, obviously -- because it's only natural for them. Giving you the silent treatment makes them feel like they have power & are in control. They don't do NC like we do; odds are they are not doing much, if any, proper healing.


Try not to feel like a loser, cuz based on what you posted, you're not. The funeral brought up some stuff for you. And you apologized like most people would.

Continue with NC, and do what's best for you.

I didn't really break no contact much, but when I did it was those agonizing moments after I sent (or whatever) that really solidified my resolve to stay silent.  Don't beat yourself up.  You feel bad.  Has she apologized to you?  Something tells me no.  Remember this feeling.  It will make it a lot easier to stay quiet each time you're tempted.

Thank you all  for the support.

LuckyEscape, the way you described ,exactly this way I was feeling after attending the funeral. I realized that its worthwhile to apologize for my side of the errors in r/s. That way I felt peace and relief but her coldness and inhumanity of not responding with atleast with one  word made me feel sad. But, its what BPD is ! pwBPDs are certainly different type of human beings.

It has to be irrational as ,after proclaiming that I was the greatest thing that happened to her in life

this stony ,icy coldness is illogical. But, I am coming to terms with the facts, BPD is BPD and can not change because they want to remain in total denial.

There is so much good going on in my life... . I am at peace with myself now ... . thanks again for your kind replies.

glad you're doing better... .  

try to keep it going through the rollercoaster

also, what helps me, is remembering what i want, which my ex doesnt really offer. if i idealize her then she does, but i keep in mind she isn't my idealized version, she's the one who inflicted a lot of abuse and never truly cared for my needs or how i felt as evident in her actions