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Title: "You knew what you were getting into" Post by: daylily on May 03, 2013, 06:26:08 PM I know we talk a lot on this board about the fact that we chose (and continue to choose) to be in a relationship with a pwBPD. Have any of your pwBPD used this against you?
My H is not diagnosed so he doesn't bring up BPD or any particular illness or disorder, but he won't accept responsibility for our conflicts because he says he is someone who is prone to conflict and can be difficult to get along with, and I knew that when I married him! If he can't find any other way to escape fault for conflict, that's his "go to" position. Of course, he also throws in that I tricked him into marrying me because I used to be so calm in the face of his confrontation and now I am not. Soo... . even if he's entirely at fault, he's really not at fault. He can't help it. (Little violin playing... . ) Any insights? I know he's right to some extent, but to use it as a weapon against me? I suppose he doesn't hesitate to use anything else against me, so why should this be any different? Title: Re: "You knew what you were getting into" Post by: justmef27 on May 04, 2013, 07:30:45 AM My story exactly.
He would use it against me and as a way to force me to love him and accept his tantrums. He would also say to hurt me: "I feel sorry for you, tough one that you didn't get the husband you wanted. Get used to it. You're stuck with me." Other words of his: "The whole town will know that it was your mom and aunt who influenced you to do this (separation, 6 months now). This is so unlike you". He was trying to say that I usually don't react like this, take attitude and oblige him to see that his behavior has truly and deeply affected me (sometimes, I think beyond repair). He felt he was torturing me and I was unhappy so, for him, that was another weapon he could use to inflict more pain. As if: "Aha, so this does affect you! I'm glad this gets to you, that you suffer, because you don't love me enough so you deserve to suffer!" Does this sound sadistic? Well, it is. Title: Re: "You knew what you were getting into" Post by: jedicloak on May 05, 2013, 05:23:39 PM Yes I've had experience with this... . though essentially what I get is "it's you; it's your fault/problem; deal with it." These responses are a form of "I don't want to look at me and the idea that I might be causing you pain. I don't want to feel/accept my part of the responsibility for that... . so, let's be unkind and direct it back at you." It's emotional immaturity and self-centeredness. It's all BPD. It's normal for the diagnosis. The question is, what do we do with it? Our response will determine how long this goes on for.
Choices: Stay and accept it. Leave the room (set a boundary). Leave the relationship. Argue and "try" to get them to see/acknowledge how it hurts us. Title: Re: "You knew what you were getting into" Post by: cska on May 05, 2013, 08:21:58 PM Yes, I've gone through the same pattern. My dBPDgf would always claim she is brutally honest with me about her issues, and b/c of that, all of her outbursts are completely justifies, simply b/c I was "warned ahead of time and knew what to expect".
She also used her illness as a shield: "I have BPD, so you should be willing to do everything for me." |