BPDFamily.com

I am posting here because if I get the chance I will be staying, but at the moment it seems like that is all up to him and I don't get a say at all.

My dBPDh and I saw each other and talked for the first time in five days. I'd practiced being non-reactionary, non-judgmental, calm, etc. I did very well with that over the course of five plus hours if I don't say so myself.

His first sentence: "I don't know what to do anymore" or something like that.

Me: "OK"

[what seemed like five minutes of silence]

His next sentence: "I think I want a divorce"

Me: "OK"

[what seems like five minutes of silence]

Me: "What is making you think that?"

[five plus hours of talking about his top three reasons. All three were "I" sentences, not "You" sentences].

A lot of talking about what he thinks / feels, but he still wasn't 100% open to me. Some rehashing of the past - circular conversation - that I tried to keep in track. A lot of me answering questions like "Why do you think it will be different this time?" And "How do I know you will follow through?" And other things.  Me admitting my faults and shortcomings. Him not admitting any of his and me knowing it would be pointless to ask him to while in this frame of mind.

Several times in the latter part of the conversation he said he came over with a plan to ask me for a divorce and work out how to split things up but now he was "second-guessing" himself because of some of the things I had said. I asked which - trying to get a sense from him which issues were more important than others. Gained a lot if insight there.

I said it was ok for him to change his mind. But I could tell he was still struggling with that concept. At one point he mentioned his T. He hasn't seen her in two months and in the meantime she has had some legal problems. I asked if he would go back to see her. He said he didn't know. I asked if he wanted me to call her or our MC (also not seen in two months) to try and make an appt for tomorrow (today). He said not tomorrow (today) because he has too much to process right now. I felt hopeful that he brought up T again. I just hope he doesn't mean "convince myself back into leaving you" by "processing".

He left to go stay at his parents place at the lake (where he's been for almost a week) and said he would stay in touch with me and text me when he got there. Before he left he hugged me and we kissed very briefly. He did text when he got there. Just to say he got there. Nothing else and haven't heard a word since. Almost 24 hours ago.

Trying to stay hopeful; finding it very difficult.

Thanks for listening. 

so sorry, and sounds like you did a good job with it.

my bf has said very similar things to me, many, many times. and sometimes, he has "broken it off" for a few days, to a few months. but he ALWAYS comes back, and has never dated anyone else.

also, usually, once i "hear" him (saying "i don't know what to do. i think i want to break up," he then doesn't want to anymore.

there is no way of knowing, and no easy answer.  i think all people with BPD are different but some def. share the same traits. has he done this before?

hang in there. 

Wdone,

Yes, he's done this before. We've been together 3+ years; married for one. Here's a quick timeline of previous experiences with this:

1.  Five months after starting dating. He stops calling. Seemingly out of the blue. I'm confused and don't understand. I try and call and text for two days and finally distraught go to his house and confront him. I get I've had a blast but you're not the one. No emotion. Done. I later found out he was triggered by feeling overwhelmed with his feelings. 3 weeks of nothing. He emails me. We talk. I agree to a second chance.

2.  Seven months later. Again. Stops calling /texting right after his birthday party (that I arranged). Again I go confront him. This time it's I need time to think. I'm confused. This is after we went to the other side of the world for him to meet my family, we had started talking about a future together, looking at houses etc. 5 days of NC. He comes back saying I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't believe him and manage up convince him to stay.

3.  One month later. On the anniversary of his brothers suicide. Apparently he had made plans for us that he hadn't told me about and I'd made other plans for myself. Huge screaming fight.   He initiates NC. One month later after nothing and I finally got sick of torturing myself and unfriended him on FB he emails me (within ten minutes of me removing every reminder if him from my page and blocking him). It's a half arsed apology.  I ignore it. Over the next two months he emails me intermittently apologizing (sort of). I ignore it. Finally one day I leave my house and there is a cardboard box on my front door step filled with everything I ever have him. (He knows how to press my buttons). I lose it and email him back telling him how cowardly and pathetic that was. I keep NC for a few more weeks. He asks to meet me to apologize in person. I say ok. He comes over and apologizes. I let him get done then I let him have it. For about two hours. Everything I ever wanted to say. My parting gift to him is a copy of SWOE which I had found after googling "extreme thinking" a month or two prior. I tell him to leave and read it. He does. We have limited contact after that and he starts seeing a T and I believe he is really trying. We mend our relationship.

Fast forward a year. We get married and build a house.

Fast forward another year. We go on our anniversary trip. Something sets him off while there, last two days of our vacation are spent in silence. Except for all his insecurities which he is projecting onto me, and his "evidence" to prove his feelings. We drive home from the airport. He takes my bag in and basically leaves. Again. He doesn't know what he wants, he has up be alone to think.

And here we are.   Now at least I know some of the tools to try and deal with this.

sounds so, so, so similar. 

he gets set off.

he says "i don't know what i'm doing." "i don't think i can do this anymore." he apologizes.  he needs time to think. he disappears. he proposes. he leaves.

my bf stopped calling and texting in the beginning, 3 weeks after we established we were committed.  he called and apologized after he found out i was upset because his friend told him who had seen me. he proposed about 9 months later, then called it off, and left for 3 months. 

i used to go to his house, and ask him what was going on, and i'd be all worked up and worried.  he would usually either not know anything was wrong, or say he had been hiding in his basement for a month/week/whatever.  i've almost done several welfare checks on him, but never have.

my bf also has a big trauma in his past.  easily reminded, in fact, i think it is always with him.

my bf is constantly saying he needs to "be alone to think" as well. and, i really do think he is trying to figure it out, to figure out if he can trust me mainly, which he always convinces himself he shouldn't.  then he sees me, and he talks with himself and me about how he was wrong - or he argues with me about why he shouldnt trust me.

most of my friends don't understand his enormous trust issues and fear and splitting. i  think they must think he really doesn't want to be with me. but, like you, (i think), i know the pattern, i know his fear, i know how he tries to get me to leave him, to push me away, and he never really leaves. i am starting to know better after 6 years.

i've also "let go", changed my fb status, tried to date, and inevitably, he will call, or want to make amends, or drive by a place where i am, or we will run into each other at the store, etc etc etc. 

i really, really love my bf, and as difficult as it is to be in relationship with him, i keep choosing it.

are you committed to staying?

what has helped in the past?

Wdone - we are experiencing EXACTLY the same things!  My H has always come around in the past too. I'm not sure this time. Or maybe I'll be waiting weeks or months. 

I'm not exactly sure what's worked in the past. I know this - as much as I don't want to give it; he needs the space to think. And I think me maintaining NC the last time for so long sent a message. But it's different (or should be) this time - we are married and living in the same house. Or supposed to be.

Again this all centers around him trying to figure out if he can trust me. Now and in the future. I understand perfectly where his trust and abandonment issues come from. But knowing this doesn't make it hurt any less when he projects them onto me. I've never cheated on him; not even thought about it, but that fear is there and it FEELS SO REAL to him that he's constantly trying to suppress it on one hand or find "evidence" to support it on the other.

Talk about past trauma:

Parents divorce when he is 12

Both cheated on one another

Believe his mother was clinically depressed

Know his father also has a mood disorder

Refused to have anything to do with his mother in 20+ yrs

His daughter, now 13, has never met her grandmother

Only sibling (older brother) commits suicide

One grandmother also commits suicide

First wife cheats on him while pregnant with their daughter

They divorce when baby is 6 weeks old

Two subsequent GF cheat (he says)

So ... .  In his experience, everyone close to him leaves him, but hurts him first.

Another big issue we are facing now.  Or he is refusing to accept ... .  His 13 yo daughter is growing up, wanting to do things with her friends in her spare time, not hang out with her dad. I've tried to tell him this is NORMAL. He doesn't believe it.  He thinks there must be a reason she is doing this.  Apparently I am now that reason.

It's exhausting.

But I love him and I made a commitment to him. I don't intend to give up just like that. I see hope if we can get outside help. So I keep choosing it too.

yes :)

my bf is always saying,

"nothing ever lasts."

"nothing work out."

"you will hurt me anyway."

he has a lot of trauma as well.

i get pretty frustrated sometimes still, when he gets soo close, and then has the deer in the headlights look and i see it coming and all of a sudden, i am the devil.

i guess it's the nature of the disorder.

i had the same feelings when we lived together (basically as husband and wife--it was a huge step for him)--that he shouldn't be running away, etc. but in some ways in made his condition act up more, and in some ways, he did better - i think due to the consistency/security... .

is your SO in therapy?

He's not in therapy right now. We were going quite regularly for the first couple of months this year - both separately and together - and I really felt that we were making significant progress. I believe he thought so too. He was coming to me and letting me know when he was starting to think irrationally, and for the most part we were able to talk about it and nip it in the bud. Most of the time. He seemed to be relieved that it wasn't all about his issues. After all, we must have some kind of issue to stay and tolerate this behavior - I mean doesn't every human?

Schedules got in the way. Need seemed less.  His T cancelled on him a couple of times. Whatever the reason, we had about six weeks without therapy that led up to the latest explosion.

IF he comes back it will be integral to our reconciliation. 

I heard from him briefly last night - he texted me to say hi and let me know he was still thinking about everything. I texted back saying thank you and I appreciate it and I'm doing the same. End of conversation.

This morning I got a text asking about a charge he saw on our online bank account. Asking what it was. I told him. It was for a summer activity for one of our girls. He texted back ok. And then I am still completely confused about us, what about you?  I texted back that I was still committed to him and our family, that it was not changing and I loved him. I didn't get a response to that one.

I wanted to say WHY ARE YOU CONTINUING WITH THIS SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR?  Looking for something in the bank account that doesn't exist. Checking online dating sites for my profile which doesn't exist. If you could just stop, take a breath and examine the facts ... .  

But like you said, that's the nature of the disorder.  Maybe one day he will take that breath. Not sure when that day will be. Until then I just keep reminding myself that I am doing all of this as a means to an end. I want him home and he needs help. If I have to let him go through this cycle (again) to get to that end, then that's what I am doing. It's hard. I hate it. It's destroying me. But I'm fighting.