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My STBEXW crushed my heart a six months ago - that's to this post it has helped me in going LC but since that time she seems to also be trying to crush my soul by attacking everything dear to me, my family, my friends, my church, my fatherhood, telling me how everyone is saying that the feel so sorry for her because I am so mean (lie) the list goes on and on.  Any idea why crushing my heart wasn't enough for her?

I'm not one of the experts around here, I'm just someone new in agony and experiencing a lot of pain from my ex-bf.  Everything I've managed to read seems to suggest that they also punish when you're painted black.  They're vindictive.  I've read that it's part of their mental illness.

Also not an expert, but it appears to me that the painting black is a coping mechanism.   Its a way to deal with the huge emotions that are so painful to them.  In my case it was also an awful lot of projection,  so much of what I got accused of is actually her stuff.   Its very difficult for me to accept there isn't a thing I can do about it other than keep my head up and walk through it.  And not engage in her rage.

This is a very accurate assessment of what happened repeatedly in my r/s with my uBPDxbf, too.  I'm still trying to learn how not to internalize his "stuff."  Some days I have more success at this than other days.  I'm looking forward to the day that any blame and projection from him have zero negative effect on me.  The fact of the matter is that is what he did and does, and I have to gather the strength and self-esteem to rise above it.

Cal644

you are in the process of a divorce now, right?

I think she is probably doing extinction bursts facing the divorce. It doesn't mean this is tolerable. Perhaps it can give you the bigger picture.

The other thing is about the damage you have trough this. Does she have some success or are your friends or family standing behind you?

Its kind of like a kid that has a toy and knows another kid wants it. So instead of kindly sharing, the kid will instead mashed the toy into the mud. They do this as a way of then saying to the other kid, 'its bad, its dirty' and thus make themselves feel better about giving the toy up.

I am not trying to suggest its a kids game at all but they seem stuck somewhere back in childhood on some level. They know they dont deserve us or are terrified that we will see the real person so they sabotage their relationship to end it the only way they know how. By destroying what is good which is the other person.

We can not love that which does not love itself :'(

You have a right to feel hurt. Its the hurting that shows how real we are

I don't have an answer, but can only tell that you''re not alone.

My stbx was preparing the divorce for many months, ending in a try to:

- crush my finances

- crush my feelings

- crush my position in my work

- crush my position in my private live.

Seeing this I have to realise that her behavior isn't a logic one with a clear goal to benefit herself. Example: a child could see that crushing my working life doesn't leave room for financial gain.

It's just coping by punishing/hating.

Yes I am in the process of a divorce - and she seems to be getting more vindictive as time goes on - and yes my family, friends, church, councilor have all been great - maybe that's why she tries to trash all those things becuase they have stuck by me (and stepped up in many ways).  My theropist also says that her projection is soo evident - but yet it still hurts - as I do question some of the things she says (but then realize they are lies - just like her whole life)  That helps me to cope

Cal, this hurts. There is now way around it... .  

The way to understand it is knowing that this annihilating rage is not about you. It is about her inability to cope. Her need to destroy you and to project on you is in order for her to feel ok about herself... .  

Divorcing is so hard  

We are here for you.

My husband of several years was diagnosed with BPD only four years ago. i dealt with this unknown intruder for many, many years before that. Turns out, not knowing what "it" was for all those years, allowed me the time to prepare myself for more ugly years to come. With that preparation came growth. His words didn't hurt me. I knew, I absolutely KNEW the things he said about me and to me weren't true. I wasn't any of those things.  What hurt me and still hurts me/us to this very day, is that he TRIES to hurt me. The words don't hurt. The intent does.

By knowing I am none of those things actually strengthens me. I'm sure he would love nothing more than to see me curled up in a ball in a dark room, sobbing while admitting he finally got to me. Not going to happen. He can TRY to take away many things from me, but he will never, ever crush my self-worth. Ever. He is still a married man due to my seeing worth in him. I know he sees the way I view myself and I'm sure he tries that much harder to break me from something he doesn't see in himself. This is not to say that I will stay with him. I wasn't put on  earth to be treated in this way. I believe I have held onto my self-worth to accomplish greater things than using my energy to build him up when he won't seek other helpful resources to improve himself and our marriage. I cannot carry both of us.

Cal, you can do this. You too are meant for greater things. Do not let your wife's words or actions penetrate who you really are. Do not let them impede your potential to be greater than this "trial".

It is possible to be surrounded by dysfunction and still KNOW you are of infinite worth.

This is such a soap-box for me! I'm sorry if this came off like a hippie-guru lecture. It wasn't meant to be either. Just my two-cents worth of how i hope each of us here on these boards can  feel about ourselves and each other.

As the saying goes, "easier said than done", but we have to start at some point. There's nothing like a relationship with a BPD to prompt us to move in a healthy direction.

Hi Cal and All!

May I say, that all of you who have responded to Cal have spoken very wise and profound words! You are all doing what I too have made up up my mind to do throught this ordeal, and that is to live my truth. So must we all, always. We have no control over what they do, and as we know, sometimes they do things that are going to hurt and infuriate us. If we live our truth, we can rise above it all, and keep our heads held high because we did not sink to levels beneath us. It's hard to do this, I know. I can't say that I haven't had moments when I fantasize about giving him a taste of his own medicine. However, that would only fuel the fire, and weaken me, where being consistantly true to myself and the world keeps me strong, and brings me a sense of peace he will never know.

Best Wishes,

Val78

Just wanted to say what a great thread this is,  I'm preparing for the whole divorce to play out and my UstbxW is ignoring the mediator's letters and phone calls - we simply can't equate our understanding to theirs it seems, no rationalisation is evident at all for the moment.

And yes it does hurt more than I thought it could exacerbated by LC (how I would love NC), I think part of that hurt is because we can see a path which isn't taken by the SO, it seems clear to me what is in the best interests of the kids but her behaviours seem to confuse and ignite their bewilderment at a time when they need stability - only we can be that consistent guide.

My new motto borne out by recent experience is to prepare for the worst and hope for the best!

You are not alone, we are all here for a common cause. 

Whichwayisup

Exactly this

I was accused of cheating on her ( Ive never cheated on anyone in my life, not even emotionally ), but I have feelings she does all the time

I was accused of playing the victim ( mmmmmmm yeah right )

I was told that Im always finding faults in her ( she never stopped digging into me especially in the later stages of the relationship

I still love her dearly but looking back on it the whole episode was completely draining

Mine does the same thing. Told his kids that I was the crazy one. Constantly acussing him of things he was not doing. Turned quiet discussions we had into me being a raving maniac. I think mine does this in order to protect his image. He is very concerned about how people look at him. He works very hard at hiding this monster inside.

Surnia... .  

Extinction burst?

Can you shed more light as to what this is?

Thank you.

mrrlk

Sure, there is a great thread in the Learning Center. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

In very short terms: Our computer has a problem, we are perhaps nervous anyway bc we shoud finish a task and now all is blocked. We are hammering on the keyboard, screaming at our computer and no surprise, he didn't react and we get even more furious, pressing faster more buttons... .  In worst case we have to buy a new pc afterwards