BPDFamily.com

Yesterday we had an episode - dBPDh was hurt by something I said, which I didn't realize would hurt him - I backed down immediately because the comment had been sarcastic (sometimes we play with sarcasm) and I saw it hurt him, but he was already headed through the roof emotionally and he lashed out.  Somehow I was able to just calmly take our son and go on a walk for 30 min - when we came back things were calm enough to work through.

H wanted to process further that evening and I got a little annoyed.  Due to the whole "radical acceptance" thing to which I'm aspiring, I didn't see a point to process.  Then I realized he needed to process, so I went along with it.  It went well until he started justifying (in my mind at least) his behavior... .  "it's hard for me to stay calm when I get emotional."  Here's where it gets funny - I actually said these words, "... .  please H... .  sometimes you act like it's so much harder for you to stay calm than the rest of us... .  "     As soon as the words left my mouth I realized how ludicrous that statement was.  I believe it IS much harder for him!  Oh, geez.  I immediately backed off.  He asked me what I need from him (he does this frequently, but is never able to deliver) and I responded "nothing".  Honestly I did a pretty crappy job of respectfully releasing him from his "duty" to fill my needs (I had a bit of an attitude), but overall I think this interaction was progress.  It didn't blow up into a full on raging fight, which is great!  This morning I apologized for my disrepect and affirmed my love for him and commitment to us.  He apologized as well for not being able to meet my needs.  I used to think he was feeding me a line of crap just to get out of taking personal responsibility, but would it be so bad if I believed that he truly wants to take responsibility, but is really unable to get there due to the BPD?  It is difficult to remember how insidious this disorder is, but it sure helps me a lot when I am able to remember it.

Side note - the mindfulness exercises in "The High-Conflict Couple" are really helping me in the heat of battle.

Sounds like you are doing great! Good job with making tihngs better. You are right... .  it does take a while for it to sink in that this isn't being done on purpose. You are also right about not having to point out to him what you see as his limitations. It took me a long time to get where I am with this, and it's a work in progress. I find that I don't come back to this site very much these days. Not because things are perfect, but because I'm coping so much better than I used to. The past few months I was dealing with some loneliness, but that's gotten better on the whole as well.

Keep the faith and keep practicing. It's so worth it!