BPDFamily.com

As I said in my first post, I'm in a monogamous friends-with-benefits r/s with a BPD male who started getting treatment about five weeks ago.  He has found a therapist that will see him weekly.  It has made a lot of difference but I told him I could not continue a monogamous bf/gf relationship with him as it made him act as if he controlled me and gave him carte blanche to say extremely vile things to me.

We have done well so far in this version of our relationship (we were friends for awhile first before dating).  I see him 3-4 times a week, and other nights I've been either at home alone studying or out with other friends (male and/or female).

One of the arguments we used to have tended to focus on the fact that my male/female friend ratio is 75/25, which makes him uncomfortable, but he's worked through it.  However, aside from a couple of mutual female friends we had previous to the relationship, the only close female "friends" he ever has are girls he is pursuing or sleeping with.  And he doesn't spend much time with his platonic female friends.

He told me today that he planned to start going out with a girl from his workplace on days when I was out with others.  He told me he needed the distraction.  I told him quite honestly but without judgment that I knew I was being replaced and that we would be over and he would be sleeping with this other girl within three months if he had not already.  He replied that she had a boyfriend.  I replied that boyfriends have rarely stopped him (I know his romantic history from him and from others), and what boyfriend would be OK with his girlfriend going out with another guy 2-4 nights per week?--because when BPD was MY boyfriend, he didn't want me going out at all with any other male.

He protested his innocence, and then said, "You know what?  This is going to hurt you and I don't want to hurt you.  I just won't go out with her.  I'll call D and J (mutual male friends of ours) if I need to go out."

Needless to say I was surprised.  Normally he fights me tooth and nail about these kinds of things.  His way or the highway.  Of course I'm suspicious that he may just be telling me what I want to hear.  But I'm really hoping, for his sake more than mine, that he's telling the truth.

Outsider perspective here... .  I'm just curious about this. From what I have read of others' experiences with therapty, it takes a while (6 months or so) before a pwBPD starts to improve, and usually things get a little worse before they start to improve.

Has it occurred to you that maybe he is desperate for some reassurance from you and that he wants more of a commitment? From what I have noticed from my dBPDw, there is this inability to trust that manifests itself in many different ways. Along with that difficulty in trusting, of course, comes insecurity. You seem to have some good boundaries in place, which helps to control the anger/rage behaviors. I wonder though what his reaction would be if you reassured him that you aren't going anywhere any time soon?

From what you are writing,  I doubt this will work "monogamous friends-with-benefits r/s" he is obviously manipulating you to commit to more but then the push will start.

Are you staying in this type or relationship hoping he will get better then  you guys will commit to each other?