BPDFamily.com

I am now quite nervous and have to share something and refrain my thoughts a bit.

What happend

A very simple thing at work. Where I am working there are no clear rules about meetings. We have meetings, most 90' or even 2 hours after work. They are announced some time prior and they are from 17:00 to 19:00. Work is finished normally at 17:00. Its was never clearly defined which weekdays. Wednesday evening I have yoga and newly I attend class Tuesday for better freestyle swimming (which is great fun.) Each time when a meeting is announced on these days am writing a email before to tell that I have to go earlier and sometimes it is okay and sometimes I had to abstain from my yoga lessons which I have to pay in advance. This sucks.

Okay today my first swimming lessons and - meeting.

I prepared myself: Okay, I have a emergency in my family, I have to do something for my parents and it cannot be done to late, they are old which is the truth. I will not write a email before, I will ask my boss directly before meeting.

He came to late. I was sitting there, oh my gosh, should I or not... .  can I do this, can I lie, can I leave and let my coworkers alone (!).

Time were running, and I did it. I asked directly in full meeting in a good moment. My boss was quite surprised a moment and said yes. I could do some more team work and I left at the right time for swimming.  :)


My emotions

I feel so guilty now, its over the top. Thats a little thing and my head is spinning its unbelievable. Yes I am very reliably and loyal most of the time. I am very used to do things against my own belief. I am used to say: Doesn't matter, you will only missing one lessons... .  blabla.

Today I changed my pattern and it is not easy for me. I have to dig deep to find a moment to say: Great Surnia, you did great. I am even convinced my boss will scold me tomorrow.

My dream is to be assertive and stand my ground without feeling guilty. I have to practice a lot more.


Thank you guys for reading. I had to put this down.  :)

Thoughts are welcome.

 It sounds like the guilt of doing something for you is weighing on you. I am familiar with the crushing feeling of guilt, not pleasant at all! Deep breaths.

I am also wondering if even though you did something for yourself if you still did something that was in fact against your own belief? When I put myself in your shoes I would feel guilty for putting myself first, I would also feel guilty for lying, and the two guilts would feed on each other.

What would have happened if you had said "I am so sorry I cannot make the meeting tonight as I have a swim lesson organised, it is the first one and it is important to me that I go, what can I do to make up not attending the meeting, how can we work this out?" -  would that have felt worse/better?

Is this about the part of you that does not feel worthy enough to take time for yourself - to make yourself a priority? It was 'okay' to skip the meeting when it was about someone else's needs - your elderly parents - but not your own needs?

Perhaps this will just take some practice putting yourself first? Realising that you are indeed worth it!

Because you are worth it!

Love Blazing Star

Thank you for your answer, Blazing Star   ! After some hours sleep I feel less guilty.  :)

Its true I hate lying and I used the direct way for month. I have to go for my yoga classes. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it was not accepted, last time with the justification that the implied meeting was announced long before. 

But I have the impression there is a kind of rating about the reasons. Yoga is not so high rated, its just recreation, family issues are higher rated. So I prepared this lie mentally, I didn't use it. Yesterday I even went on my way without reasons.  :) (Wow!) Boss didn't dare to ask, perhaps bc it was in public. (Swimming is probably even inferior to yoga... .  )

Your words nailed it:


I definitely needs a lot of practice to putting me first. And there are occasions at work to do so.

I have some traits being workoholic, which is sort of related to co-dependency I think. So I am easily caught in guilt feelings.

Hi Surnia,

Gee I understand that situation. I would feel really uncomfortable if I didn't tell quite the 'truth'. Rather than try to deal with guilt etc, I would try to find another route... .  is it possible to say to your boss:

"I have regular appointments at ... .  times. I have already explained the need to help my older parents and the demands upon me. Well these regular appointment times are in relation to my family situation and my ability to care for them. I am really sorry but it can't be avoided. I have tried to work around this but do not want to jeopardise these appointments. Is there any way we can work this out?"

there is no lying in this, is there? After all these are mental health breaks that keep you sane in juggling the demands on you, including those of aged parents... .  

or am I telling you how to do what you already know?

cheers,

Vivek  

The strategy as outlined by Vive is the one I employ. with practice, I have been able to snap into it with zero FOG. It just takes a while.

Great Surnia!

I think it’s extremely positive to choose for yourself. You’re worth it and should acknowledge that by doing things you want for yourself.

Right now you have to think up a lie, to do this for yourself. I can imagine feeling guilty about that. Don’t be. Lying possibly isn’t the right thing to do, but it’s the only way to get what you want AT THIS MOMENT.

Realising that you may and will do things for yourself is a first step. Standing up for yourself is the next. The next time (or maybe the one after that, or after that, or…) you’ll manage to tell that you won’t attend a meeting but have to go away, without making up something. You’ll get there!

For now: you did great.

Thank you for all the replies.  :)

I am in a way happy that the reason was no topic so no need to lying. And I agree with you the direct way would be better. I think this will be my next step. I will stand my ground, my values. I am sure there will be other occasions for practice!  *)